God Admits He Tried With A Heart Attack, But Bernie Sanders Is Unkillable


The Halfway Post reached out to God this morning for a few brief questions to ask what he thought about the Democratic primary, and his answers were very newsworthy.

The following is a transcript of the conversation, lightly edited for clarity:

THP: So God, it’s looking like Bernie’s the front-runner.

GOD: The Jewish guy obsessed with equality? Is anyone surprised? I’m all in for Bernie now, ever since I sent a heart attack his way and he survived it. The guy is literally willing himself alive long enough to right some of the economic wrongs in America. I’m starting to think I may have accidentally did another Jesus thing after a night out on the town and forgotten about it. Maybe I gave Bernie one of My Old Testament long lifespans. How many 78-year-old men have a heart attack and get MORE energetic and MORE committed to saving Millennials’ future? Just to reward his sheer willpower for democratic socialism, I’m going to let him win by a 50-state landslide.

THP: Do you think Bloomberg will flame out?

GOD: Bloomberg really downplayed all the women he has bribed off with nondisclosure agreements at the debate, but, let Me tell you—coming from an omniscient deity—Bloomberg did some crazy stuff toward women. At boardroom meetings he used to force his secretaries to lie down in piles on the ground so he could walk on them during meetings and presentations so that he’d appear taller. He made another female employee of his carry him on her back at a music concert with his legs straddling her neck so that he could see over the heads of all the other medium-sized people in front of him. She was actually cool with it until he got a boner and asked her to turn around. Another woman he forced for two years to follow him around carrying stilts in case Bloomberg ever crossed paths with a celebrity so that, real quick, he could put on the stilts and look really tall for the celebrity. Then one day when she was wearing a skirt he told her to get on them. Another NDA needed there. The guy definitely has some quirks. But I’ll tell you what, Bloomberg gets way better deals on his NDAs than Trump. Trump overpays for his agreements like he overpays for everything else in his life. Now if you’ll excuse me, Trump is applying his makeup, and I’m going to make it cloudy outside D.C. so his bathroom gets dark and he doesn’t get anywhere near his hairline.

THP: Talk to You later, God.

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(Picture courtesy of Shelly Prevost.)

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