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1. BREAKING: During an emergency Trump Administration cabinet meeting on how to distract from Trump’s utter failure in getting any deal at all with Putin, Stephen Miller’s idea reportedly won, so news agencies are preparing to report on some extra cruel ICE policies on Monday.
This one is definitely more than halfway true. Trump is a colossal failure president, and his only talent is distracting everyone from his almost incessant fails.
The Trump-Putin meeting was a trademark Trump Production®. The Ukraine negotiations were going nowhere, and Trump only agreed to the meeting to distract from his floundering Epstein cover-up. Then Trump did no preparation while Steve Witkoff bumbled around confusing everyone because he inexplicably refuses to organize a competent team of translators and foreign policy experts.
Then Trump didn’t bother to plan with the Ukrainians or Europeans for any degree of Western solidarity, or even to get on the same page about expectations and goals for the summit. And Trump apparently brought no serious demands or requests of Putin. So, completely unsurprisingly, there was no breakthrough or new commitment of any kind.
A classic Trump Production®! It was a total waste of everyone’s time, except that it did distract a bit from the general impression that Trump most likely raped a bunch of teenagers for years with Jeffrey Epstein, and it legitimized Putin a little on the global stage undoing years of American success in isolating Russia.
(Remember when Trump staffers floated the idea a couple days ago that the meeting would be so successful Trump and Putin might even tack on a new nuclear nonproliferation pact? Lol, psych!)
But, anyway, even MAGA media can’t hide the reality that this Alaskan summit was a total dud, so expect Trump to do some heinous shit against immigrants this coming week because he’s a narcissistic sociopath who lashes out at the weak and downtrodden to make himself feel strong.
2. BREAKING: Oklahoma Senator Markwayne Mullin says Washington D.C. is so scary and crime-ridden that last night when he was walking to his car he saw a sketchy youth and had to hide in an alleyway dumpster and sleep there until morning.
I think conservatives aren’t mocked anywhere near enough for how terrified they are of big cities.
I’m from St. Louis, an extremely blue and urban dot in a sea of increasingly Deranged Republican Rural Red, and it’s eye-opening how many visually cliché “MAGA alphas” you’ll talk to on the opposite side of the Missouri River who say they won’t ever cross the bridge into the city, even in their mini-tank Ford F-250s. Cowards.
The city is close to half Black, but is unfortunately still dominated by some of White Flight America’s most egregious racist zoning, so too many of the whites are the kind of people who say, “This area is sketchy!” if they see a group of Black people walking somewhere.
I have worked gigs for years all around the city limits early in the morning to late at night, worked in bars and clubs throughout downtown, and had a social life that took me to the cool neighborhoods all night and I’ve never had a problem… but I guess I don’t live in fear, and maybe liberals just aren’t little bitches projecting a profoundly weak and superficial masculinity to mask social fear, or something.
3. BREAKING: Leaked Russian messages reveal that Vladimir Putin called his meeting with Trump “useless” because Trump talked more about windmills, Fed Chairman Jerome Powell, Gavin Newsom’s recent tweets, and the Nobel Committee than Ukraine.
…I mean this probably also happened. Trump and Putin reportedly talked for 2.5 hours, there’s noooo way Trump didn’t bring up at least one of these lol. Too bad Trump can’t be publicly mic-ed up for his meetings with foreign leaders because I’d love to know what batshit crazy stuff he says. I’d love to be able to bet on it. For instance, I’d wager the odds are extremely high that Trump asked Putin to nominate him for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I have often wondered what it was like for competent US presidents with complicated foreign policies like Barack Obama, George H. W. Bush, JFK, and FDR to have to call up various foreign leaders from around the world who are uneducated coup victors, or nepo babies of hereditary monarchies, or long-term dictators whose perspectives have been wholly warped by being surrounded for decades by brown-nosing yes-men and now they’re old, senile, and suffering from chronic pain. What are those conversations like?
But now I have the same curiosity about what it’s like for other countries to have to call Trump, and no doubt listen to him rant about how high his polls are, and how the 2020 election was rigged against him, and how no one could believe The Apprentice had the highest ratings, and how everyone is saying he deserves a Nobel Peace Prize, and how all the unnecessary inflation he’s causing with brainless tariffs is Biden’s fault, and how if you give him some bribe money he won’t sue your university or law firm or company.
Trump is a stupid, narcissistic mob boss, so now it’s America with the banana republic style leader who other governments roll their eyes at while talking to on the phone.
4. BREAKING: Trump is reportedly furious after only finding out now that the Nobel Peace Prize isn’t an American award, and it’s actually run by a committee of Scandinavians who 100% support Ukraine.
I would be totally okay if the Nobel Committee bribed Trump to commit fully to Ukrainian victory with a Peace Prize. Trump is so vain and easily manipulatable with idiotic flattery, that it might get him to actually acknowledge what a geopolitical and national security homerun bringing Ukraine into the American-allied EU and American-dominated NATO would be.
5. BREAKING: White House insiders say Donald Trump is “totally unprepared” for his meeting with Putin, he won’t read his briefings on Ukraine’s non-negotiables, and he’s only interested in how much gold will be in the room where he shakes Putin’s hand for the photo-op.
I published this several day before Trump’s meeting with Putin, so, to self-congratulate a little, I called it. …Just kidding. It’s not even worth bragging about because this was, all along, the most predictable outcome.
6. BREAKING: During a White House tour this morning, a 6th grader reportedly asked Donald Trump, “Your meeting with Vladimir Putin went nowhere because you didn’t do any of your homework, didn’t it?”
Children and teens of America, if you find yourself around Donald Trump you know what to ask. 🥃
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