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- Doctor experts are pointing out that Trump always sits behind his desk in press conferences to hide his ankle swelling, and he can’t walk in straight lines anymore, and his hands are bruised from constant IV medications, and he maybe has as few as 6–12 months to live.
- Several blue states are reportedly moving all the voting locations in their Republican districts to inside of gay bars, Planned Parenthoods, and drag show venues.
- An upcoming R-rated comedy/horror film is about Jeffrey Epstein and Donald Trump getting imprisoned together on an island inhabited by vengeful teen girls who torture and mutilate them, and test screening audiences say they wish it was longer than its current 3.5 hours.
- Trump is reportedly beginning to worry that the major European nations will take matters into their own hands, deploy troops into eastern Ukraine to stop Putin from stealing any more land, and make Trump entirely irrelevant in any future peace talks.
- Texas Republicans are reportedly warning their constituents to stockpile food and fuel for the winter because the gerrymandering effort took up all the allotted time to pass a funding increase for the state’s energy grid to be able to withstand a freezing weather event.
- Trump was reportedly worried someone would throw a sandwich at him when he went on his tour of D.C.’s militarized streets and he’d get mayonnaise smeared in his hair.
- When Donald Trump was calling Putin during the European meeting at the White House, Zelensky and the other European leaders reportedly could hear Trump yelling from the other room, “You promised you’d never release those tapes, Vlad! You promised you burned them!”
- McDonald’s executives are reportedly deliberating about offering Trump free food for life if he’ll exempt them from his tariffs.
- A dozen tuba players followed Trump around on his walk through the militarized streets of D.C. blowing on their instruments every time he started walking.
- Blue state governors say they will have drag queens patrol all voting locations that Trump sends ICE agents to in the midterms.
- Kash Patel and Pam Bondi have reportedly both gotten carpal tunnel flare ups from how many times they’re having to black out Trump’s name in the Epstein files.
- Trump is accusing Gavin Newsom of “going nuclear” after Newsom claimed he could have dated Ivanka.
- The brain worm in RFK Jr.’s head has reportedly eaten all his brains, and is now planning on sneaking into Pete Hegseth’s brain the next time he and RFK Jr. workout together to see what alcoholically drowned brain tissue tastes like.
- A new poll found that only 1% of Americans believe Ghislaine Maxwell’s claim that Trump never did anything inappropriate with Epstein: a single idiot from their sample group named Hank Walbarten from Akron, Ohio who has been drinking ivermectin shakes daily since 2020.
- Trump and Putin reportedly spent the first half hour of their 2.5 hour meeting in Alaska comparing their health issues and life expectancies.
- Trump reportedly appointed himself ambassador to a dozen countries so he can have 12 more governmental salaries.
- A McDonald’s store in D.C. is offering Trump unlimited free food for life in the hope that it’ll clog his arteries faster.
- Trump is reportedly using wheelchairs and stairlifts in the White House, as well as a bathroom crane designed for zoo animals when he has to use the toilet. 🥃
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The Halfway Post 
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