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- A MAGA televangelist who told his congregants to give him all their money because the rapture would happen today has reportedly disappeared with all the cash.
- Large numbers of atheists in several cities are holding impromptu tailgating parties in the parking lots of giant churches to celebrate either their raptured disappearance or their gullibility always getting duped by grifting charlatans.
- Kash Patel claims the Epstein Files were raptured up to Heaven on Tuesday and now he can’t release them anymore.
- The only person raptured to Heaven on Tuesday was Eric Trump.
- The United Nations reportedly removed all Diet Cokes from the vending machines to screw with Trump.
- Trump is reportedly threatening Republicans that if the Epstein files are released he’ll reveal all the GOP’s closeted gays.
- Melania Trump reportedly charged Trump an extra $1,000 per second in appearance fees for the time she was stuck on the escalator with him.
- Trump is reportedly threatening that, if Democrats let the government shut down, he’ll fire everyone who handles the Epstein Files and steal them.
- UN representatives from several African countries reportedly told Trump to his face today that the only shithole country was his stained underpants that were so big to cover his fat ass that they could be an independent nation.
- How many bribes from random countries do you think Trump solicited in the bathrooms at the United Nations?
- Thousands of protesters are reportedly calling their local Sinclair and Nextstar affiliates to play out loud the sound of gay pornography, Obama’s speeches, and the First Amendment read aloud.
- Gay dating apps reportedly surged all day yesterday from Christians who were trying to get in one more gay hookup before the Rapture.
- Trump is threatening Democrats that, if they let the government shut down, he’ll fire the entire bureaucracy and name himself king.
- BREAKING NEWS: A local MAGA fan is struggling to figure out how it’s “America First” to give a $20 billion bailout to Argentina. [I will update this when he decides on an answer!]
- REMINDER: Hey, conservatives, you don’t have to project crazy homophobia to make amends with God for the guilt you feel toward your private behavior. 🥃
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The Halfway Post 
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