The White House Is Filled With Cockroaches Fleeing The East Wing’s Demolition

• The demolition of the East Wing has reportedly made “thousands of cockroaches” scurry out of it and into the White House residency and West Wing, with a good number of them settling in Stephen Miller’s office.
• The National Parks Service says that America’s historic preservation laws “make it very clear” Donald Trump will now have to rebuild the White House’s East Wing exactly the way it was at personal expense.
• After finding out that the East Wing’s demolition is likely flinging asbestos all over the White House grounds, Trump is reportedly trying to sue someone but can’t because he started the construction job without any of the proper, legal permissions.
• Trump is reportedly renovating the bunker underneath the East Wing so if he wants to start a civil war he can live underground for months, and his plans call for it being stocked with 10,000 Diet Cokes.
• Trump is reportedly threatening that if Congress releases the Epstein Files, he’ll demolish the Capitol Building too.
• The workers demolishing the East Wing reportedly just severed a sewer pipe and now poop and urine have flooded all over the White House grounds.
• Trump demolishing the White House East Wing to build his “Epstein Ballroom” so he can distract from Mike Johnson’s “Epstein Shutdown” of the government is not working as polls suggest 96% of Americans still want the Epstein Files released.
• Trump is threatening that if the National Parks Service makes him pay to rebuild the East Wing back to the way it was, he’ll just keep suing the Department of Justice for whatever NPS bills him.
• A federal judge just ruled that all of Trump’s $400,000 salary will be garnished to pay for some of the damage he has done to the White House.
• The newest viral slang phrase among Generation Alpha middle schoolers is “vive le Boomer clot” said in a French accent, and it references the hope that Donald Trump will have a stroke and there won’t be anymore geezer Baby Boomer presidents.
• Red state health officials are reportedly launching a new “Own The Libs” program that will self-destructively mail all their vaccines to blue states.
• Perennial presidential candidate Ted Cruz is reportedly starting to get pissed how often MAGA people are claiming Trump will be president for a third term.
• Trump interrupted a bar mitzvah party last night at Mar-a-Lago, and ranted for 26 minutes about how “they say I shouldn’t say it, but Hitler did, in fact, have loyal generals.”
• Officials from Portland, Chicago, Los Angeles, and New York are accusing Donald Trump of razing D.C. to the ground.
  A leaked memo from Fox News revealed that the network’s interviewers use Vicks VapoRub when interviewing Trump because he smells like, as one Fox producer described it, “rotten eggs soaking in a boiling pot of diarrhea.”
• In response to Trump breaking the law by demolishing the East Wing without permission, the National Parks Service just renamed the Grand Canyon as the “Grand Trump Throat Vulva.”
• White House insiders are worried Trump is so obsessed with building his ballroom as fast as possible because he only has months to live.
• Trump wants his new White House ballroom to fill up every weekend with all the plastic “Mar-a-Lago Face” women who hang around his Florida resort. 🥃

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