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- White House staffers say that when Trump falls asleep during cabinet meetings and press conferences, he “loses all sphincter control.”
- The Earth’s rotational spin reportedly slowed down by 1/8th of a second today because of how many billions of people around the world rolled their eyes when they heard FIFA would soon be awarding Donald Trump a made up “FIFA Peace Prize.”
- Trump is reportedly depressed because he’s worried he’ll be one of the “loser presidents” who die of natural causes in office.
- Trump is reportedly asking around for advice on how to fire Pete Hegseth, Kash Patel, and Pam Bondi without it looking like he made big mistakes hiring them in the first place.
- Nebraska’s self-described “biggest MAGA fan” says that his support doesn’t waver despite his farm going bankrupt because of the tariffs, his undocumented immigrant fiancé getting deported by ICE, and his health insurance premiums rising 400% next month.
- A new poll found that 91% of Americans want Jack Smith to “accidentally” leave his briefcase full of dozens of copies of his report on Trump’s J6 coup attempt in the CNN office lobby.
- Vladimir Putin was asked by Russian reporters if he was afraid of any consequences for ignoring Trump’s latest peace plan revisions that aren’t so one-sided against Ukraine, and Putin and the reporters laughed for 16 seconds.
- Trump is reportedly pissed JD Vance and Marco Rubio are obstructing his administration’s foreign policy by trying to screw each other over to look better for 2028 runs.
- FBI agents reportedly keep switching Kash Patel’s jackets with XXL ones before meetings and public events so he’ll look extra small when wearing them.
- A dozen protesters dressed as Santa Claus spent all day today walking around the White House carrying sacks full of coal to give out to people to throw over the White House fencing because Trump has been such a bad president this year he doesn’t deserve any presents.
- Military officials are reportedly refusing to sit with Pete Hegseth during meals at the Pentagon.
- Marco Rubio reportedly hopes that Trump is just sleeping through his speech during the cabinet meeting, and not stroking out.
- Trump is reportedly getting pissed about how many of his administration staffers are committing crimes he’ll have to pardon them for without even profiting off them.
- FBI agents say they approve of Kash Patel focusing so much of his attention on the transportation logistics of his girlfriend and her drunk friends because it’s less attention he focuses on ruining their cases and tipping off their suspects.
- Another GOP member of Congress has been given divorce papers by his wife for being afraid to vote to release the Epstein Files until everyone else did.
- Protesters are reportedly mailing dozens of trophies to the White House with Trump’s name on them in the mold of variously sized mushroom shaped penises.
- BREAKING: Several local Republicans just had the epiphany that there aren’t any trans people or drag queens in the Epstein Files.
- Trump is reportedly angry with his new ballroom architect because he says the blueprints don’t include enough shelving to display all the trophies he has been given this year.
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If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published two books for you: Satire In The Trump Years, and Satire In The Biden Years. Or, better yet, request your local library order a copy on their website.
I’ve also published three existentialist poetry books, Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, and Hotel Golden Hours available in print and on Kindle.
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The Halfway Post 