A Secret Service Agent Revealed What It’s Like Working For Trump

An anonymously delivered stash of Secret Service memos is revealing secrets about Donald Trump, and the memos variously describe Trump as “needy,” “fussy,” “whiny,” “high-maintenance,” “emotionally volatile,” “morally destitute,” “functionally illiterate,” “needlessly cruel to his underlings and loyalists,” and “foul-smelling like a garbage bag full of roast beef sandwiches that has been left out in the sun for a week.”

The memos also revealed the following details about Trump’s life behind the scenes:

Trump has never once ridden in a car with Melania because she forbids it.
One of Trump’s favorite songs on his “motorcade ride” playlist is the Beatles song, “I Saw Her Standing There,” and when he hears the lyrics “she was just 17, you know what I mean,” Trump yells out, “I know exactly what you mean!”
The floor mats in the back seats of the presidential limousine have to be replaced monthly because of how much fried chicken Trump messily eats and the crumbs coat the fabric with grease. Trump also leaves orange stains on the windows when he leans his head against them to sleep on long rides.
About once a month Trump likes to bring Mike Johnson on a “Congressional strategizing drive” and ride with him at least 45-minutes into Virginia farm country in the middle of nowhere, and then kick Johnson out of the car forcing him to walk back to D.C.
Trump often farts and then blames his driver.
Trump watches porn a lot during car rides and doesn’t mute the volume, and never reads any briefing reports his staffers bring along for him.
Following every meeting with an Asian diplomat or leader, Trump talks with an exaggerated Asian accent for fifteen minutes.
Every Secret Service agent has heard Trump recommend they spend their next vacation in Moscow because “the Russian girls are into some crazy stuff.”
During international events and global summits, Trump usually at some point “accidentally” walks into the women’s bathrooms, which is always real awkward for Secret Service agents to have to witness.
The Secret Service had to buy 70 golf carts and pay for storage space in foreign countries to park them because Trump refuses to walk anywhere, even when attending ceremonial events outside with other leaders, including female leaders who don’t complain even though they wear heels.
Trump repeatedly asked Secret Service agents in the week leading up to January 6th if, hypothetically, it would be possible to “pull a Princess Diana” on Vice President Mike Pence.
The Secret Service had to start offering bonuses to drivers of the presidential limousine because Trump smelled so bad. The agents quietly went on strike in March of 2017 refusing to drive him without extra “stench pay.” It made Trump furious because the strike made him miss a few days of golf, and he had to stay inside and suffer through the boredom of actually listening to his presidential briefings.
After every motorcade ride, Trump tells his drivers, “I’d tip you but I don’t have any cash, so I promise I’ll tip you big on the next one.”
While being driven to events, Trump regularly complains to agents about his supporters’ lackluster “star power,” and then accuses Hollywood of “rigging hot people against him” by brainwashing most movie stars and models to hate him. One agent reported hearing Trump say, “The MAGA people are all missing teeth, and ugly. Yuck. I don’t get enough donations from my MAGA dupes to pay any hot people to come to my rallies. I can barely afford all the ‘Blacks for Trump’ people I bring!”
95% of Secret Service agents’ COVID infections from 2020–2022 were directly linked to Trump not wearing a mask because it would smear his makeup.
Trump regularly tries to choke out his Secret Service drivers when they refuse to stop at the McDonald’s drive-through citing the security risks of sitting still in line and getting trapped by other cars for five or more minutes.
Trump once ordered a Secret Service agent to run over his son Eric after Eric revealed he had given a children’s cancer charity a 1% discount for booking consecutive fundraisers at a Trump property.
When playing golf, Trump makes every Secret Service agent carry three of his golf balls in their pockets for him to cheat with.
The Secret Service has to regularly invent excuses for why the women Trump invites to ride alone in a car with him can’t in order to save the government millions of dollars in under-the-table hush money payouts.
Sometimes when Trump is napping on long plane rides, Secret Service agents can tell from Trump mumbling in his sleep that he is having a sex dream about Nancy Pelosi or Angela Merkel.
Trump has told many Secret Service agents that he thinks Melania is trying to poison him.
Trump occasionally makes suggestive comments to agents like, “You know, in Russia and North Korea, their security agencies will push the leader’s political enemies out of windows…”
Trump regularly makes long, suspicious phone calls where he’ll listen a lot, and then say things like, “NATO is ripping us off, you’re right,” “Ukraine is ripping us off, you’re right,” and “the US should tell Poland, the Baltic states, South Korea, Japan, and the European Union to fuck off, you’re right,” and then announce after he hung up, “That wasn’t Putin I was talking to by the way, it was — uh — Barron, yeah, Barron was asking me questions about his homework.”
Trump once asked the head of the Secret Service, “Why do we call you the SS if you won’t do any of the stuff Hitler’s SS did?”
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