Trump Is Ruining Everything So Much JD Vance No Longer Wants His Job

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JD Vance is reportedly having nightmares that Trump will stroke out this year, and the Iran War he didn’t support in the first place, the depleted missile supply, the global economic meltdown, and America burning all its alliances for Israel will become his problems.
The new Iranian Ayatollah says he’ll agree to an all-encompassing peace deal with Israel for 100 years if Netanyahu publicly releases the blackmail tapes of Trump raping children.
Trump reportedly told Pete Hegseth this morning he has “nothing to worry about” being thrown under the bus and blamed for the Iran War if it keeps spiraling out of control.
Dozens of millionaires and billionaires are reportedly pissed the Iran War is forcing them to move back to the US from their tax havens in the UAE, and now they’ll have to pay taxes again and start contributing back to the society that allowed them to get rich.
The new Ayatollah of Iran reportedly told Trump, “If you’re so serious about a cease-fire, give me your Nobel and FIFA Peace Prize medals.”
Trump is reportedly furious that JD Vance keeps leaking to the media about how he was “skeptical” about bombing Iran, and now Trump is forcing him to wear Florsheim shoes two sizes too small every day.
Trump reportedly keeps asking his advisers if they think people are distracted enough by the Iran War yet for him to pardon Ghislaine Maxwell.
A new poll found that a prospective law that would draft all the kids of any president who starts a war into the military has 96% approval.
Trump is reportedly threatening to make JD Vance use a “Trump Phone” so he can read all of Vance’s text messages and see his call history to make sure Vance stops leaking to the media that he was skeptical about the Iran War.
After a new military policy went into effect punishing soldiers who shout, “For Epstein!” when saluting each other with 100 pushups, soldiers are now reportedly shouting, “For the DOW!” while saluting.
Trump is reportedly “humiliated and furious” Michael Wolff told everyone how he was Melania’s sloppy seconds after Jeffrey Epstein.
A federal judge in Florida says the state’s death penalty for child rapists would have to apply to Trump if the allegations in the Epstein Files turn out to be true, even though he’s the acting president: “The law is the law.”
The Pope is reportedly making all the cardinals who knew about the Church protecting pedophiles drink Malört, the infamous Chicago wormwood-based liqueur, instead of any other beverage during every meal.
The rich pedophiles complicit in Epstein’s sex-trafficking are reportedly terrified Trump will throw them under the bus by releasing the photos and videos of them raping kids to distract from what a disaster his Iran War is becoming.
Sunni Gulf state officials are reportedly ignoring Jared Kushner’s calls and requests for meetings because he has no official US diplomatic role, he’s clearly working for Israel, and he’s soliciting bribes to his investment companies everywhere he goes. [This one SHOULD be true.]
Iran has reportedly ordered its sleeper cell terrorists in the US not to commit any terror attacks saying, “The US is spiraling, and the first rule of war philosophy is to not interfere when the enemy is self-destructing.”
A White House official says the only difference between the way Trump is strategizing how to de-escalate in Iran and the way Adolf Hitler planned the defense of Berlin in April of 1945 is that the Nazis weren’t all wearing the same shoes that didn’t fit.
Pete Hegseth is reportedly calling for surrendering to Iran after the Revolutionary Guard just revealed a battalion of all trans, gay, and female soldiers.
Several farmer unions have announced they’d rather vote for Democrats to take control of Congress and maybe allow a few trans swimmers to compete in college than keep letting Republicans destroy all of America’s agricultural export markets and explode the price of diesel fuel.
Mike Johnson is reportedly “sweating buckets” over Trump repeatedly increasing the number of troops being deployed to Iran, and he worries he may have to finally say something when Trump gets to 50,000.
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