The following is Donald Trump’s job listing for new lawyers who will keep him out of jail and turn around public perception of his crimes:
JOB DESCRIPTION
The Former President of the United States (FPOTUS) Donald J. Trump is looking for a new lawyer to join his growing legal team, and help fight, delay, and obstruct several ongoing criminal investigations including for fraud, insurrection, and espionage! Love for a fast-paced work environment is a must, as our team has very high turnover.
*** MUST be willing to sign an all-inclusive non-disclosure agreement! ***
QUALIFICATIONS
- Previous on-air TV experience from Fox News, OAN, or Newsmax
- Blondes strongly preferred (an “Ivanka-esque” look will be given preferential treatment for female applicants, and male applicants must be better looking than Rudy Giuliani but not too much better looking than FPOTUS)
- Big breasts (inquire about our new-hire bonus of free implants) for women, full head of hair (inquire about our new-hire bonus of hair implants) for men
- Team player and a clean criminal record (you may be expected to claim guilt for a couple crimes and/or obstruct justice, you know, for the team, but pardons will be negotiable if Trump is reelected)
- Intimate knowledge of the fast food menus at McDonalds and KFC, or be a very fast, visual learner of combo deals
- Must have a good memory because we are a paperless office so that there’s no paper trail or physical records of anything we do, write, or say (if you do need to write ant notes, you will be expected to flush them or eat them)
- Some plumbing experience is a plus, particularly unclogging paper jams in our memo toilet!
RESPONSIBILITIES
- Fetch FPOTUS a can of Diet Coke every 37 minutes (due to his extreme physiological dependence on aspartame, he will go berserk if you’re more than 45-seconds late)
- Flush (or eat) all handwritten notes from FPOTUS
- Occasionally light janitorial work, such as cleaning ketchup off walls and sweeping up broken plate shards and half-eaten burgers
- Schedule trial schedules for FPOTUS with various prosecutors in several federal jurisdictions and state governments, assist FPOTUS in crafting press statements, and conduct follow-up calls to the journalists and reporters clarifying that FPOTUS’s statements were neither threats nor attempted witness tampering
- Be proactive and a self-starter at claiming “executive privilege” and “attorney-client privilege” when interacting with any courthouse officials or the media
- Coordinate legal strategies with a revolving cast of co-conspirators, underlings, yes-men, and blackmailed members of Congress, and occasionally escort blackmail material to and from the vault in FPOTUS’s penthouse suite
- Stalk and spy on Republican members of Congress to blackmail them into loyalty, and occasionally earn overtime driving to their houses in the middle of the night to look through their trash and plant concealed listening devices on their porches
- Help enforce a two-drink maximum on Rudy Giuliani during regular business hours if he is around
- Spray Steve Bannon with Febreze when he comes around so his homeless-adjacent stench doesn’t stink up the office (his stench somehow clings to the couches he sits on for days)
- Spray FPOTUS with cologne so his infamous bad body odor doesn’t embarrass him in meetings (we’ve tried everything to mitigate the smell and nothing works, so just get used to it fast)
- Use Craigslist to hire Black people for “Blacks 4 Trump” appearances at campaign rallies
- Follow Rudy Giuliani, Mark Meadows, and Melania Trump around town, and investigate any hints that they might be trying to turn state’s witness to testify against FPOTUS
- Do NOT EVER mention windmills, the water pressure, Obama, Georgia, Arizona, Ukraine, Zelensky, Pelosi, exercise, heart disease, Jack Smith, January 6th, his inauguration crowd size, Melania’s fidelity, or Eric when FPOTUS is around
- If FPOTUS invites you out golfing with him you MUST let him win and look the other way when he kicks his ball into the water hazard and drops a new ball from his pocket
BENEFITS
- Payday in “two weeks”
- Proximity to classified and top secret documents the FBI didn’t find (while supplies last)
- Casual appraisals of your physical appearance daily by the former owner of the Miss Universe pageants
- If FPOTUS wants to make a move on you he’ll take you out furniture shopping first
- You’ll be around many powerful people in Republican politics, and see FPOTUS humiliate them often (you’ll love “The Kennel,” and seeing Kevin McCarthy, Ted Cruz, and Lindsey Graham spend hours locked inside it)
- Complimentary Adderall
- There’s often free makeup available when FPOTUS buys a foundation that isn’t orange enough.
- Working for the greatest president in US history who has been treated more unfairly than every other president combined despite the fact that he accomplished more than all the others, and there was no Russian collusion, no quid pro quo, and he won more votes than any president before him, but the evil, totally corrupt Democrats perpetrated the two impeachment hoaxes and stole the election and gave it to the biggest enemy of the people ever, Joe Biden, who is totally brain dead and has been more terrible than anyone could ever believe, and is ruining America so much it’s a disgrace, and he’s perpetrating the worst assault on America in history by directing the FBI to raid Mar-a-Lago and plant all the documents that were declassified by Trump anyway and everyone’s talking about how they remember so clearly when Trump declassified them, and the FBI is guilty of the worst Election Rigging Scam and state-sanctioned burglary maybe of all time so we must REDO THE ELECTION and STOP THE STEAL
TO APPLY
- Cover letter must be no more than two paragraphs. Including FPOTUS’s name in every paragraph (if not every individual sentence) is STRONGLY RECOMMENDED.
- Letters of recommendation from dictators are quite welcome!
- Pay a $50 application fee, a $50 resumé reading fee, a $50 resumé filing fee, and a $50 non-disclosure agreement filing fee
- Female applicants must mail several printed out nudes to Mar-a-Lago so FPOTUS can determine if you have the “Trump lawyer It Factor,” and male applicants must write out an amusing story of a time you think you were were unfairly accused of sexual assault
- Pay a $50 nudes filing fee or $50 sex adventure reading fee
- Join Truth Social and post five Truths accusing Nikki Haley, Ron DeSantis, and Mike Pence of being illegal immigrants ineligible to run for president, and show FPOTUS during interview
- Write and send a letter to NBCUniversal at the end of your interview while being monitored to tell them that you’d love it if they produced another season of The Apprentice featuring Trump as president firing his cabinet members for not being loyal enough
- Tips: Bring an 18-pack of Diet Coke cans to the interview, say FPOTUS’s name a lot (he really likes hearing his full name, not just “Trump”), show cleavage if you’re a woman and maybe bend over a couple times, say either racist or sexist things if you’re a man, express that you think it’s genius to have America abandon our NATO allies and it’s totally not just because that’s what would be spectacular for Putin’s land grab dreams, remark that his hands are even bigger than you expected, tell him he totally could have dated Ivanka if he weren’t her father—he’ll really love all that
We look forward* to meeting you!
*No fuglies
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