It’s your favorite president here, Donald J. Trump, the most respecting of mothers president this country has ever had, maybe even more than Lincoln and Washington combined!
Having just been totally vindicated and exonerated in my rape trial against that awful woman E. Jean Carroll, who my lawyers proved without a doubt lied about everything no matter what the jury said, I have a special message for my wives, who I’ve always been totally loyal and 100% dedicated to: Happy Mother’s Day!
And to my second wife, Marla Maples, I totally knew it was you in that picture during my deposition in the rape trial. I only said I thought you were E. Jean Carroll to throw off the judge and enemy lawyers. It was all part of a master legal strategy!
I’d also like to wish a very warm happy Mother’s Day to all the suburban white moms out there who better switch back to voting for Republicans in 2024! But not just any Republicans, only me. They better not vote for Ron DeSanctimonious. Or those nasty women like Nikki Haley, Liz Cheney, or any other dogs who might run against me! I feel sorry for their kids. What horrible, rag-soaking monsters those mothers are!
But on this day we recognize all the good mothers who do so much for our kids, particularly mine. I never changed a diaper or cooked a dinner one time in my life even though I have at least 5 kids, but they all turned out pretty good!
Don Jr. is great at politics, Eric is so good at fundraisers for children’s cancer charities, and, of course, Ivanka is a great mother herself. If you don’t mind a little locker room talk, she’s a total MILF. Her kids are so lucky to have her as their mom. Oh, how I wish I could have been up in that womb, or drank some milk from those magnificent jugs. Her kids were the luckiest little babies in the world.
And Barron is so tall. I knew the Trump genes gave us big brains, but who knew the Trump genes could make such tall legs too. There’s just nothing my superior genes can’t do! Thankfully his mom’s genes were more recessive than the Trump genes. Melania is looking a little alien-ish these days. I keep a credit card for my wives to do whatever cosmetic surgeries they want, and I usually make sure I divorce them before they do too much. Unfortunately, my political career has necessitated I stay married to her much longer than I ever would have if I wasn’t in politics, and it’s starting to hurt the Trump brand. Donald J. Trump is not the kind of guy who has a wife over 50!
But the Christians, they really like monogamy, and I need their votes. They’re already threatening to vote for Ron DeSatan in the GOP primary, even though I did so much for them by giving them the anti-abortion Supreme Court judges they love so much. There’s just no loyalty anymore in this world. If they vote for Ron De-Pudding Fingers over me, it would be an even bigger betrayal than Jesus getting crucified. Jesus may have been the best ever president of Israel, but Jesus never got the US embassy moved to Jerusalem. That was all me!
So the Christians better stay loyal, or maybe I reveal some not so nice details about their beloved judges that maybe makes them have to resign from the Supreme Court. Is Brett Kavanaugh squeaky clean in all those FBI reports we hid from the public? People are talking!
So happy Mother’s Day, everyone! Even the ugly wives of all the RINOs who helped the Democrats steal the 2020 election from me in the worst rigged election in the history of humanity.
To the wives of Mike Pence, Brian Kemp, Brad Raffensperger, Doug Ducey, Mitt Romney, and all the other RINOs who either approved the swing state votes for Biden, voted to impeach me, or are refusing to support me in 2024, you’re all ugly, nasty dogs, but I suppose you somehow birthed little NeverTrumper enemies of the people, so technically this Mother’s Day is still in honor of you and your pussies I’d never grab.
I also want to wish a Happy Mother’s Day to my late first wife, Ivana. Her burial at Trump National Golf Club Bedminster was such an honor for me, and also a tremendous tax break! And I want everyone to know that, right before she died, she called me and admitted she made up the allegation she made in our divorce deposition that I raped her during our marriage. I recorded the call, and I’ll be releasing the audio in two weeks! So it’s 100% verified that no one respects women more than Donald J. Trump!
Follow me on Twitter @HalfwayPost, and follow me here on Medium for more of my comedy.
Check out my brand new poetry book Cabaret No Stare, available now on Amazon.
Also check out my book “Satire In The Trump Years: The Best Of The Halfway Post,” available on Barnes & Noble and Amazon.
And check out my comedy portfolio, my Dada news portfolio, and my portfolio of prose poems.