Excerpts From Donald Trump’s Official Application To Be In His 2nd Term, Which Is Certain To Again Accomplish More Than Lincoln, Washington, And All The Other Presidents Combined:
- In 500 words or more, explain why Donald Trump was a better president than all the others combined. [If you don’t include Trump’s name in every sentence he will get bored and not finish reading it.]
- Do you think Trump could date Ivanka if she weren’t his daughter, and why?
- If you have a law degree, are you willing to be disbarred in service of Trump’s various legal defense efforts with some light obstruction of justice, witness intimidation, and/or perjury?
- Please list three “outside-the-box” ideas for how Trump can delay further criminal prosecutions until after the 2024 election when he can shut them down or pardon himself
- If Trump was to give you a box of documents for safekeeping, where would you hide it from the FBI’s prying eyes?
- What are your thoughts on the hypothetical hanging of vice presidents? Would you be interested in participating in one?
- Are you good at determining the difference between high-end hotel chains and local landscaping companies?
- List all the Russians you are on good terms with, and detail how closely connected to Vladimir Putin they are.
- List all the Saudis you are on good terms with, and detail how closely connected to Mohammed bin Salman they are.
- If you see Trump cheating at golf, will you keep your mouth shut?
- If you see Trump cheating on Melania, will you keep your mouth shut?
- Describe Trump’s hand size in 100 words or less.
- Do you have any Obamacare replacement ideas that would be cheaper and cover more people?
- Will you vow to never invoke the 25th Amendment to remove Trump from the presidency, no matter what he asks the military to do or what dictatorial powers he tries to take for himself?
- Do you have any dirt or blackmail on Democrats, Republican members of Congress, or Evangelical pastors with big congregations (Lindsey Graham, Matt Gaetz, Kevin McCarthy, and Mike Johnson excluded because we have more than enough on them already)?
- Give 3 recommendations for people you think would be willing to pay for a pardon. [White House lawyers have to spend a lot of time to cover the quid pro quo tracks, so SERIOUS RECOMMENDATIONS ONLY!]
- (WOMEN ONLY) What is your bra size, menstrual cycle going back 6 months, and are you willing to get plastic surgery to better conform to Donald Trump’s casting aesthetic?
- (WOMEN ONLY) Will you be willing to serve as a character witness and tell the jury at Trump’s next sexual assault trial that Trump has never been anything but totally appropriate and non-threatening with you?
- (WOMEN ONLY) Do you need to go out furniture shopping anytime soon? Would you like accompaniment?
- (MEN ONLY) Have you been accused of domestic abuse or sexual harassment? (Be honest because this a big advantage for you in Trump’s unique application scoring system for loyal underlings.)
- Do you know the Heimlich Maneuver? (Trump chokes on big bites of well-done steaks about twice a week.)
- Have you ever booked a hotel reservation at a Trump property? If no, why not, AND when will you be booking your first stay? (You can pay a deposit at the interview)
- Will you join the next coup attempt if Trump loses the election again in 2024, and will you help break some of the windows of the Capitol Building if the mob isn’t riled up enough yet to do it themselves?
- You see Trump kick his golf ball into a water hazard, and drop a new one from his pocket real close to the hole. What do you do?
- STRONGLY RECOMMENDED: Bring at least one 12-pack of Diet Coke, a fake Time Magazine cover with Trump on it that makes his hands look big, and proof of purchase of at least one Trump NFT digital trading card of Trump dressed up as a superhero.
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