7 Serious Monday Thoughts From A Satirist

Photo by Big Dodzy on Unsplash

1. Andrew Schultz recently exclaimed, “I voted for none of this!” about Trump’s disaster of a presidency.

While it’s reasonable to be annoyed at Schultz’s low-information support for a village idiot rapist president as his hacky, edgelord comedy schtick is being pedantic about politics because few of the civil rights issues and the economic malaise directly impacts his life, at least Schultz can admit he was maybe wrong about Trump and MAGA!

Schultz may have spent months simping for fascist demagoguery, but the path to eradicating MAGA is in welcoming people like him back into the anti-fascist coalition. He helped normalize Trump for a lot of young Gen Z men, and that influence will be just as effective deconditioning them from the delusions of the MAGA movement. That’s politics, baby!

2. Let’s cut it out with the clamoring for a special counsel for investigating what’s going on with the Epstein files.

How many times do Democrats have to play that game with Trump and lose?

A special counsel will take two years full of endless witness intimidation from Trump, and everything the special counsel subpoenas only informs Trump on what and how to obstruct. Trump will launch a plethora of frivolous lawsuits claiming executive privilege and attorney-client privilege, and each of those individual suits will have to be litigated over months of getting on various courtroom dockets, and waiting for appeals to finally reach the Supreme Court only for the conservative majority to contrive ridiculous excuses to let Trump get away with everything.

Then, before we know it, it’ll be the spring of 2027, and Trump will announce he’s running for a third term, and Congress or the DOJ or the Supreme Court will find him a stupid loophole to exploit to do it, and Trump will claim from then on that the special counsel is perpetrating election interference, and — 

NO! Fuck all that, Democrats, or whatever element of the government that could be an anti-fascist Deep State, needs a new plan!

3. Wanting the Epstein list revealed is the kind of bipartisan unity America has been craving!

Do you want the Epstein files released? I certainly do. Neo-Nazi Nick Fuentes does. Tea Party media icon Glenn Beck filed a FOIA request for Dan Bongino’s emails. Democratic Representative Ro Khanna is demanding the files get released to Congress, and AOC came out on social media calling Trump a rapist. Tucker Carlson is highlighting evidence that Epstein was likely a foreign agent. Even Donald Trump Jr. has posted multiple times demanding the Epstein files get revealed, though he hasn’t said anything lately 😜. My sample size is small, but isn’t that quite an impressively, unified poll from across the political spectrum?

4. I’m calling it now that Trump is gonna go out like Warren Harding.

He’s going to fuck everything up in giant corruption scandals, the likes of which this nation has never seen, and when the years of grifting, lying, sex-trafficking, and raping finally catch up to him, he’ll die in office. It’s rumored Harding’s wife offed him, maybe Melania will do the same heheheheh

5. I can’t take it anymore with climate idiots.

A man was arrested in Oklahoma for sabotaging a weather radar system because he believed it’s a part of a conspiracy to control the weather. I just can’t anymore with morons who don’t understand weather or the climate. Democrats have spent the last 25 years constantly warning about global warming and predicting how a hotter climate would lead to the exact weather catastrophes we’re now increasingly experiencing, and, rather than admit liberals’ scientific doomcasting was right all along, delusional idiots are convincing themselves that the freak storms are actually a giant, nefarious conspiracy to somehow control the weather. Fucking idiots.

6. Trump is a “Schrödinger’s President”

He both “alone can fix it,” and isn’t responsible for anything, and you don’t know which one until you measure the public’s outrage. Meanwhile, he keeps saying he doesn’t know anything about the various controversies in his administration — like Kristi Noem’s incompetence with FEMA in the Texas floods, why arms shipments to Ukraine stopped, why Putin won’t make a deal on Ukraine, and what’s going on with the Epstein list — but he wants credit for everything positive that he had nothing remotely to do with.

7. A brief reminder that Trump’s economic agenda is really stupid.

Native-born Americans have good, prosperous lives when, for the most part, we have access to cheap clothes, shoes, electronics, etc., and we don’t have to make them ourselves. Americans aren’t the ones sitting in factories all day with poisonous dyes or chemicals, or installing millions of tiny little screws. Having a trade deficit on the labor of screwing little screws means we are economically winning that trade relationship. It’s not ideal for the laborers in developing countries that we are capitalistically exploiting, but it’s definitely within the ethos of America First that it’s not Americans doing those jobs. 🥃


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