How I imagine Republicans would react if Democrats ever tried to help rescue cute puppies in abusive puppy mills:
Mitch McConnell: “The Democrats want to tell you we Republicans are heartless monsters for telling puppies to lift themselves up by their leashes, but that’s just socialism masquerading as compassion, and I will not fall for their tricks to use puppies as pawns in their political games. As a conservative, I will never condone the government interfering in the free market of puppy retail. Democrats are making irrational arguments based on their emotions to intervene in the economy. But I will not be intimidated by the alleged cuteness of puppies’ domesticated features, like their cartoonishly big eyes and heads, their disproportionately sized ears and paws, and their silly behavioral antics. Puppies have never warmed my heart. I’m a reptile man, Goddammit!”
Donald Trump: “All my kids constantly asked me to get them puppies when they were growing up, and I always told them, ‘In two weeks.’”
Susan Collins: “I have been assured by my Republican colleagues that they will not pass any further anti-puppy legislation. So I trust that this bill the Democrats have sponsored is just not needed. Besides, I’m sure my Republican colleagues will be much too busy betraying all the promises they made to me about not taking away any more abortion rights or further eroding access to birth control and contraception to think about taking away any rights from puppies! I think puppies will be just fine. It’s human women who have to be concerned and troubled!”
Matt Gaetz: “You know what I like about puppies? I keep getting older, but they stay the same age!”
Jim Jordan: “I’ve never seen any abuse happen in a puppy mill. Who is saying I saw abuse happen at a puppy mill? They’re lying! No puppy ever came to me and told me it was abused! I didn’t report it because I never heard it! How can I report something I never heard? There’s nothing to investigate! I don’t have a guilty conscience! I never heard anything, I swear to God!”
Ted Cruz: “The faster this dumb puppy bill dies, the faster I can get to Cancún! There’s a heat wave coming to Texas this weekend threatening to kill the power grid, so I gotta get to a Cancún beach resort fast before my constituents notice I’m gone and start bitching about me leaving the state during an emergency! Dogs can’t vote for me in presidential elections, so what do I care about what puppies think about me? I don’t care about dogs at all, even if Donald Trump does call my wife one!”
Lauren Boebert: “The Second Amendment in the Constitution clearly shows guns are man’s best friend, not dogs!”
Kristi Noem: “I call dibs on taking any puppies we need to euthanize to the shooting range!”
Elise Stefanik: “If it will get me ahead in the ranks government, I will tear off a puppy’s head with my teeth on live television, and hold its lifeless body above Speaker Mike Johnson head, and let the puppy’s blood drain out onto Mike’s face and into his eyes as a warning that I’m coming for his job. I will smear the blood on my forehead and cheeks like Native American war paint. I will do whatever — and I mean whatever — it takes to get ahead. If Trump will pardon me after, I will decapitate as many puppies as it takes to show him I have what it takes for him to fire JD Vance and appoint me as his new vice president.”
Louie Gohmert: “I made love to a dog once in the woods behind my house. I was sixteen. Who knew how old the dog was. But its love was soft and tender. And, when we finished, it left and never came back. I’ve spent the rest of my life wondering, what if?”
Josh Hawley: “I gotta be honest, I’m still too terrified of the January 6th protesters coming back and hanging all of us to pay any attention to what we vote on anymore. What was that sound? Are the protesters here? Ah, they’re back!” [Hawley then sprinted out of the Senate at top speed.] “My book on manliness is now available for pre-orders!” he shouted over his shoulder before rounding a corner and disappearing from view. Then he popped his head back around the corner and yelled, “Don’t forget to not masturbate!”
Mike Pence: “While I sympathize with the abused puppies, I believe prayer will save them more than adding more liberal government mandates and red tape on the pet industry. If we can just pray enough, God will change his mind about allowing puppy mills. That’s why I’ve added puppy mills to my list of nightly prayers for God to end gun violence, school shootings, abortion, sex-trafficking, slavery, murder, poverty, and children’s cancer. I think we’re real close to convincing benevolent God to make those go away. So hang on, puppies, God’s going to answer our prayers any day now, I’m sure of it!” 🥃
☕️ My Dadaist graffiti news comedy fights fascism. Become a paid subscriber and help me relentlessly mock Donald Trump and his fascist MAGA movement. Here’s a 50% discount on a paid subscription to help support me, for just $2.50 a month!
And help me grow by sharing my comedy with your liberal friends and family, and your conservative enemies!
If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published two books for you: Satire In The Trump Years and Satire In The Biden Years, available on Barnes & Noble, Amazon, and Kobo. Or, better yet, request your local library order a copy on their website.
I’ve also published three existentialist poetry books, Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, and Hotel Golden Hours available in print and on Kindle.
Because our social media platforms are being scrambled up by oligarchs, if you like my humor, diversify where you follow me so you never miss my jokes to interrupt your doomscrolling: Twitter, Bluesky, Threads, Facebook, Instagram, Spoutible, Medium, and Substack.
Browse my comedy portfolio, my graffiti news portfolio, and my poetry portfolio.
Or buy me a coffee if you want to help keep me caffeinated and amped to think up jokes about MAGA world!
The Halfway Post 
One thought