Trump Might Claim Bad Health To Resign Before The Epstein Files Drop

• Trump is reportedly asking around if people think JD Vance would pardon him if, hypothetically, he claimed his health required him to resign so he could leave office before the Epstein files drop and reveal him, again hypothetically, as a sex-trafficker.
• Trump says he can’t release the Epstein files “because of the audit.”
• Trump is reportedly threatening to force America into an economic depression if everyone doesn’t shut up about the Epstein files.
• Trump is reportedly planning to baptize himself tomorrow to forgive his sins and move on from the Epstein crisis by pivoting hard toward Christian fundamentalism.
• Lindsey Graham is reportedly depressed that Trump doesn’t bring him on the golf course to blackmail him anymore.
• Trump is reportedly looking into suing a 16-year-old who created a webcomic called “The Mar-A-Lago Molester” that features Trump as a bumbling villain whose comedic relief sidekick is his anthropomorphic, mushroom-shaped penis that he imagines talking to him, but no one else can hear.
• Trump is reportedly terrified of locker rooms now because he’s worried someone will be wearing a wire to catch him telling Epstein stories.
• An executive of Project 2025 accidentally said on a hot mic, “The goal is for the rich to cash out the last bit of money they can from America before hopscotching over to the doomsday bunkers they’ve built on various islands and pretending they’re globally rich passport barons who don’t owe anything back to America for their spectacular wealth and business opportunities.
• Trump’s doctors say just a few more days of calling Trump a rapist pedophile could give him a heart attack.
• The Olympic Committee is revoking its invitation to Donald Trump to attend various Olympic festivities because they’re worried he’ll wander in front of the cameras at every chance like he did at FIFA’s Club World Cup, and then steal athlete’s medals.
• Trump is reportedly demanding his cabinet do blood oaths swearing they won’t use the 25th Amendment on him when the Epstein files drop.
• ICE is reportedly having staffing problems because the agency’s newest hires keep turning out to be liberals who spend their free time during course of training to convince all the other agents that ICE’s work is unAmerican and unConstitutional.
• Trump’s new plan for a Nobel Peace Prize is reportedly to attend the Nobel ceremony, wander onstage, and steal one.
• Trump is reportedly complaining that Melania keeps telling him to go golfing when it’s storming out because he thinks she wants him to be struck by lightning.
• Trump is reportedly drinking three time as many Diet Cokes than he usually does due to stress from his Epstein crisis.
• Republicans in red states are privately alarmed that Trump’s budget will soon result in their states having third-world standards of living with no hospitals, infrastructure funds, disaster relief, and large swaths of the people having no health insurance.
• Trump says his son, Don Jr., is the one in the Epstein files, not him, and they just didn’t include the “Jr.”
• Trump is reportedly relieved that at least the Epstein crisis is distracting everyone from inflation going up, and that there are no peace deals yet in Gaza, Ukraine or Iran, and that no trade deals have been signed. 🥃

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