- Federal funding for a national “Trump Youth” program
- Reforming the national security policies on storage of top secret documents and the declassification process so that Trump can keep as many classified files in any bathroom he wants
- The installation of a stair lift machine for Trump to use in the White House
- A blatantly inconclusive report on Epstein’s sex-trafficking that further inflames the rage of his MAGA base over Trump’s Epstein cover-up
- An attempt to see if Trump’s enraged base will be satisfied if Trump fires Pam Bondi and blames the Epstein cover-up on her, and then appoints Matt Gaetz as Attorney General as a recess appointment so Congress doesn’t have to vote to confirm him for several months, and then lets Gaetz use his experience fighting criminal sex-trafficking investigations to help bury Trump’s Epstein culpability
- Wait a little longer, and then fire Pete Hegseth for incompetence so it’s less embarrassing that Trump made such a terrible hire
- The return of prayer back into schools so that the children can help pray to God to look out for all of America’s elderly and infirm who will be losing their Social Security, Obamacare, Medicaid, and Medicare benefits
- The institution of “gaydar detectors” inside federal buildings, and research into “transdar”
- National child labor rights
- National reinstitution of child marriage by lowering the age of consent nationally from 18 to “girls’ fathers’ permission”
- The creation of an annual beauty pageant at the White House for teen girls that Trump will judge
- Amending Congressional rules to go back to banning women legislators from wearing pants
- A Congressional resolution proclaiming that plastic surgery and other gender-affirming operations are okay with God for Christian women because they need to keep their looks to ensure their husbands stay monogamous, but gender-affirming operations are NOT okay for trans people
- Endorsing high school history books that omit the Civil Rights Era
- Funding new ICE uniforms so ICE can look more like the Hugo Boss — designed Nazi uniforms to look sharp and imposing while conducting their raids in workplaces, churches, businesses, hospitals, and anywhere else
- Hiring 5,000 ICE agents from incel applicants who can’t get dates even on the MAGA dating app called “Red Flags” because those guys will provide the kind of loyalty dictators can only get from homoerotically misogynistic men finally obtaining the only bit of power, coerced respect, and sense of belonging they’ve ever had
- Funding a government initiative to “disprove once and for all the female orgasm”
- The institution of a federal tribunal to adjudicate “Women’s Crimes,” and a committee to study Iran’s morality police to try to adopt a similar police force in the US
- The Department of Health and Human Services will give Stephen Miller a grant of $250,000 to experiment on “human centipedes.”
- Increasing government spending to “study the alien abductions and subsequent anal probes” of Rudy Giuliani
- A demand that all corporations update their Christmas branding so all depictions of Santa Claus and his wife from now show them with children so Santa no longer “sends the wrong message” that a childless Santa hangs around so many little boy elves
- Abolishing the FBI and CIA completely and rolling their responsibilities into ICE so Trump has greater control and can make sure no one bothers him with nosey investigations or subpoenas into his BFF relationship with Jeffrey Epstein, or which dictators he’s showing what classified documents on our nuclear technology, spy capabilities, and our military positions throughout the world
- Unveiling an “Official Iconography of the Messiah” document that demands all public representations of Jesus feature Him having blonde hair, blue eyes, side abs, a pronounced Adonis belt, and a BMI no higher than 20.5
- The renunciation of the heliocentric model of the solar system, and a return to the Christian geocentric model
- Defunding all sex-ed programs in public schools, except for a new one called “Eve’s Great Mistake” which goes into gratuitous (but surprisingly — credit to them — biologically accurate) detail about menstruation and childbirth, and at the end is a pledge for all girls to sign officially apologizing for Eve’s mistake of eating the fruit in the Garden of Eden and promising to never disobey God like that again
- Education Department funding for public schools to have annual purity balls for kids starting in 3rd grade
- A legislative push for bestiality to no longer be illegal because of its capacity to relieve the sexual frustrations of horny, young, potential incels — Republicans promise it will still be a little societally frowned upon and not too directly encouraged, but just won’t be illegal anymore
- Legalizing cousin marriage and endorsing it in order to double down on Real American families’ white and Christian genetics in their kids’ DNA — also, the MAHA assertion with US health guidelines that incestual genetic decline is a liberal hoax and part of the “evolution scam”
- A last executive order that’s titled “Concentration Camps,” but is blank save for just one sentence that says, “TBD — still waiting to see where on the dictator scale from one to Hitler that Congressional Republicans will let Trump go.” 🥃
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The Halfway Post 