JD Vance Says “South Park” Didn’t Draw Trump’s Penis Accurately

• Donald Trump’s lawyers have reportedly lamented that his capacity to keep his web of Epstein lies consistent has surpassed his intelligence, memory, and attention span.
• Barack Obama just announced he will be suing Donald Trump for $500 billion over Trump’s claim that Obama led a coup.
• Trump has reportedly ordered the DOJ to block JD Vance from having any access to the Epstein files.
• Trump is reportedly beginning to worry it was a bad idea to encourage his supporters to promote Epstein conspiracies for the last 8 years.
• Trump has reportedly been ranting about the South Park jokes regarding his micro penis all week.
• JD Vance claimed the South Park rumors about Trump’s micro penis are totally inaccurate.
• The White House just released what they claim is an authentic Epstein file signed by Barack Obama, but the signature appears to be written in Sharpie marker and dubiously includes “HUSSEIN” in all capital letters.
• Trump is getting so angry about his increasing Epstein scrutiny and throwing so many things on a daily basis that White House staff are reportedly removing many priceless artifacts of American history from the Oval Office gradually so Trump doesn’t notice.
• Fed Chair Jerome Powell reportedly said under his breath to Donald Trump during their photo-op together, “You’ll be leaving office before me, bitch.”
• Trump reportedly had the FBI wiretap JD Vance’s vacation hotel phone to find out if he’s making calls to Rupert Murdoch or anyone else to collude against him.
• JD Vance is reportedly open to pardoning Trump if he has to resign over the Epstein files in exchange for Trump’s blackmail files on all the Republican members of Congress.
• Trump reportedly called Sam Altman, Elon Musk, and Mark Zuckerberg today, and demanded their AI programs stop creating images of him with a micro penis.
• The Nobel Prize Committee is again offering the Peace Prize and its million dollar prize to the first Republican Senator who announces he or she will vote to convict Trump in an impeachment trial.
• Trump has reportedly sent JD Vance several pictures of the “Hang Mike Pence” gallows from January 6th as a threat not to take advantage of the Epstein crisis to dethrone him.
• JD Vance is reportedly taking charisma classes four times a week to prepare for becoming president.
• After meeting with Trump’s lawyer, Ghislaine Maxwell now claims that every time something illegal was happening at Jeffrey Epstein’s parties Donald Trump was in another room reading the Bible, calling charities to donate money, or holding Melania’s hand.
• After an ICE raid in Palm Beach, Mar-a-Lago is reportedly now understaffed.
• In her most truthful-sounding defense of Trump yet, Ghislaine Maxwell claims Trump’s body odor stench was too toxic for Epstein to ever invite him to a sex party because everyone would throw up.
• A new poll finds that 96% of Democrats want Bill Clinton to take one for the team and admit everything he did and saw or heard about Trump doing.
• After staffers printed out an image of South Park’s representation of a naked Trump with a micro penis to show him, Trump reportedly drew a much bigger penis on it with his Sharpie.
• Scotland is reportedly planning to build a school right next to Trump’s golf course there, register Trump as a sex offender, and then use that designation to arrest Trump if he walks within 1,000 feet of the school.
• BREAKING NEWS: A local MAGA fan is starting to believe Donald Trump thinks he’s a gullible idiot.
• A confused Eric Trump reportedly just asked his father if Ghislaine Maxwell is his mother. 🥃

---

☕️ My Dadaist graffiti news comedy fights fascism. Become a paid subscriber and help me relentlessly mock Donald Trump and his administration’s fascist tendencies. Here’s a 50% discount on a paid subscription to help support me, for just $2.50 a month!

And help me grow by sharing my comedy with your liberal friends and family, and your conservative enemies!

If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published two books for you: Satire In The Trump Years and Satire In The Biden Years, available on Barnes & Noble, Amazon, and Kobo. Or, better yet, request your local library order a copy on their website.

I’ve also published three existentialist poetry books, Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, and Hotel Golden Hours available in print and on Kindle.

Because our social media platforms are being scrambled up by oligarchs, if you like my humor, diversify where you follow me so you never miss my jokes to interrupt your doomscrolling: Twitter, Bluesky, Threads, Facebook, Instagram, Spoutible, Medium, and Substack.

Browse my comedy portfolio, my graffiti news portfolio, and my poetry portfolio.

Or buy me a coffee if you want to help keep me caffeinated and amped to think up jokes about MAGA world!