Another Republican Accidentally Shot Himself During The Filming Of A Campaign Ad

• Only two GOP House members have accidentally shot themselves this year photographing their families’ Christmas cards where everyone is holding guns, which is better than at this point last year when five had shot themselves.
• A new viral TikTok trend is called “Deprogramming 2025,” and involves kids going on their conservative parents’ social media accounts and unfollowing all the political content that keeps them debilitatingly enraged, conspiratorial, or racist.
• Since beefing with Donald Trump, Rupert Murdoch has reportedly stopped filing and hiding the devil horns growing from his forehead.
• A self-proclaimed “MAGA hospital” in southern Idaho is using leeches on people to suck the COVID vaccines out from their blood because a nearby pastor has alleged that the “Kung Flu Fauci antibodies” were designed in cooperation with China to turn Americans’ DNA Chinese.
• Florida Republicans say schools should censor images of the Founding Fathers in their textbooks so that Washington, Jefferson, Franklin and others aren’t shown wearing high heels, stockings, long-haired wigs, makeup, or any other transgender-adjacent details.
• Trump can’t name any of the presidents between Jackson and FDR.
• A GOP state party chair says his claim that “Satanist feminists are boycotting sex until Republicans die out so they can convert the US at vaginal gunpoint into a fascist, matriarchal triumvirate led by Beyoncé, Michelle Obama, and Oprah” was taken out of context to make him look crazy.
• The Republican state senator currently trying to ban pictures of nude statues like Michelangelo’s David from school art textbooks was reportedly just documented having a pair of “truck nuts” hanging from his truck’s tow hitch.
• Several GOP members of the Senate Subcommittee on Family Values say their Chairman Josh Hawley makes them watch “almost certainly way more gay porn than is necessary” during committee meetings for his stated goal of “studying the insidious network of gay pornographers throughout the US.”
• A Florida GOP state senator accidentally said on a hot mic, “My plan is for school vouchers to allow public schools to go bankrupt while all the wealthy neighborhoods’ tax money gets funneled to elitist suburban charter schools that can conveniently fill up availability before poor, ethnic kids can apply.”
• Trump accidentally dropped a candle at a Christian prayer dinner event tonight, and caught a Bible on fire.
• Despite Ron DeSantis’s governmental homophobia, Florida was just named the “Gayest State In America.”
• Ivanka Trump spoke to the Female Empowerment Convention today, and said her family has been creating thousands of jobs for women for generations going back to when her great grandfather Friedrich Trump ran a brothel during the Canadian Gold Rush.
• A hospital in the “most MAGA town in America” just bought 20 iron lungs because of an outbreak of polio after the mayor declared vaccines were a “socialist plot to inject people with Satan’s mRNA semen.”
• Die hard MAGA fans are beginning to refer to Trump as “Reverend Don,” and reportedly have plans to start a compound in Guyana.
• Judges in six red states have now removed Bibles from school libraries citing GOP laws banning books with sexual content, with one judge pointing out that almost immediately Adam and Eve’s kids are doing incest, and, not much later, Lot’s daughters rape him when he’s drunk, and, pretty soon again, Noah’s family all gotta do incest too.
• Legal scholars say West Virginia’s state constitution now officially gives more explicit rights to coal mines than it gives to women.
• Bad news for Ron DeSantis: a new poll found that 86% of Republicans do not want to follow a “Donald” Republican president with a “Ronald” presidential nominee in 2028.
• A MAGA country singer who claimed his music is written “to raise awareness about all the children whose blood is drank by San Francisco Democrats” just got arrested for possessing child pornography.
• A lottery event held at Mar-a-Lago that raised $25 million this weekend just announced its winner: Donald Trump. 🥃

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