A Secret Service agent who has served nine presidents says Donald Trump is weirder than all of them put together, and the only president in the last 100 years to come close, according to official SS records, is Calvin Coolidge.
The following are details the agent has compiled based on reports of Trump’s behavior:
- Trump has never once ridden in a car with Melania or Barron because Melania forbids it.
- Trump demands that the “Beast” limousine be fully stocked at all times with an 18-pack of Diet Coke, a bottle of Adderall, an emergency bottle of ketchup, and a stack of blank non-disclosure agreements.
- The Secret Service had to start offering bonuses to drivers of the presidential limousine because Trump smelled so bad. The agents quietly went on strike in January at the start of his second term, and refused to drive him without extra “stench pay.” It made Trump furious because the strike made him miss a few days of golf, and he had to stay inside and suffer through the boredom of actually reading his presidential briefings.
- Trump regularly tried to choke out his Secret Service drivers when they refused to stop at the McDonald’s drive-through citing the security risks of sitting still in line and getting trapped by other cars for five or more minutes.
- The floor mats in the back seats of the presidential limousine had to be replaced monthly because of how much fried chicken Trump eats messily on his way to rallies that coats the fabric with grease.
- Trump likes once a month to go on a long drive with a Republican member of Congress he’s upset with into the middle of nowhere in Virginia farm country, and leave him or her there to walk back to D.C.
- Trump often farts, and then accuses the driver of the flatulence.
- The seats of the vehicles Trump rides in are regularly stained with orange foundation makeup. On long drives, Trump sleeps and always leaves orange stains on the seat belt strap.
- Sometimes Trump throws Big Macs he brings for snacks against the windshield when he hears bad news. The Secret Service thinks of this as an incredibly reckless, potentially catastrophic security threat given that each time they have to stop the vehicle and wipe off the smeared ketchup.
- Trump is a big fan of the Swedish pop group ABBA, and on motorcade rides liked to blast “Dancing Queen,” and when he hears the lyrics, “You are the dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen,” he tells the driver, “Epstein used to love this song.”
- Following every meeting with an Asian diplomat or leader, Trump talks with an exaggerated Asian accent for fifteen minutes.
- Every Secret Service agent has heard Trump recommend they spend their next vacation in Moscow because “the Russian girls are into some crazy stuff.”
- During international events and global summits, Trump tries to “accidentally” walk into the women’s bathrooms, which is always really awkward for Secret Service agents to have to witness.
- Trump occasionally asks his Secret Service drivers to run over people “just to see how they react.”
- Trump tries to get perimeter defense Secret Service agents to help him cheat when golfing. He hands them several balls and tells them that if they see him hit a ball into water or sand, to throw the balls somewhere on the green.
- 95% of Secret Service agents’ COVID infections in his first term were directly linked to Trump demanding no one around him wear a mask. Most infections were directly or indirectly related to the infamous ride Trump took while staying at the hospital with a nearly fatal COVID infection so he could pretend he wasn’t about to die.
- After every motorcade ride, Trump tells his drivers, “I’d tip you but I don’t have any cash, so I promise I’ll tip you big on the next one.” The Secret Service also heard him say that to every Mar-a-Lago employee who served him, his golf caddies, and various hotel staff members when staying in foreign countries.
- The Secret Service had to triple its golf cart fleet and pay for storage space in foreign countries to store them because Trump refuses to walk anywhere, even when attending ceremonial events outside with other leaders, including female leaders wearing heels.
- While being driven to campaign events, Trump regularly complains to agents about his supporters’ lackluster “star power,” and accuses Hollywood of “rigging hot people against him” by brainwashing “all the good” movie stars, models, and artists to hate him. One conversation recorded in a voice memo text captured Trump saying, “The MAGA people are all missing teeth, and ugly. Yuck. I don’t get enough donations from my MAGA dupes to pay any hot people to come to my rallies. I can barely afford all the ‘Blacks for Trump’ people I bring!”
- Trump sometimes makes long phone calls where he listens a lot, and says things like, “NATO is ripping us off, you’re right,” “Ukraine is ripping us off, you’re right,” and “the US should tell Poland, the Baltic states, South Korea, Japan, and the European Union to fuck off, you’re right,” and then announce after he hung up, “That wasn’t Putin I was talking to by the way, it was — uh — Barron, yeah, Barron was asking me questions about his homework.”
- The Secret Service has to regularly invent excuses for why women Trump invites to ride alone in a car with him can’t in order to save the government millions in under-the-table hush money payouts.
- Trump would occasionally make suggestive comments to agents like, “You know, in Russia and North Korea, their security agencies will push the leader’s political enemies out of windows…”
- Trump has asked the Secret Service agents to “pull a Princess Diana” on Mike Pence, Kevin McCarthy, and JD Vance.
- Trump once asked the head of the Secret Service, “Why do we call you the SS if you won’t do any of the stuff Hitler’s SS did?” 🥃
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