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#1. BREAKING: Trump is reportedly pissed that Melania is suing everyone who says she was involved with Epstein because a lot of damning Epstein records will have to be revealed during discovery, and he suspects she’s doing it on purpose to ruin him.
It’s an interesting move by Melania to threaten to sue Hunter Biden for $1 billion over his repeating of some reporting that a mutual friend with Jeffrey Epstein introduced her to Donald because presumably the discovery phase of such a lawsuit would be a catastrophe for Donald’s Epstein cover-up (as well as potentially easily proving Melania a bluffing liar). If such a lawsuit were to head toward trial, Melania and Donald would presumably both have to be deposed under oath.
It would be awesome, though, if Melania really was intentionally trying to fuck Donald over with these Epstein lawsuits. Why now after all these years? Maybe, because of Trump’s historic crypto grifting, it might literally be the first time he actually has liquid cash she can withdraw and run away with.
#2. BREAKING: Trump has reportedly been distracted all day by planning out what awards he’s going to give himself at the next Kennedy Center Awards ceremony he’s also going to host.
It’s a shame to think that Trump likely started running for president in 2015 just to raise his profile to get a bigger contract with NBC for The Apprentice, and now 10 years later, as he’s destroying the economy, our democracy, and the American-led post-war world order, he still just really wants to be a TV host.
The sad part is that even the awards Trump doesn’t give himself over the next few years of his stewardship of the Kennedy Center will be cringey because Trump has gaudy, terrible taste, and is the most intellectually incurious person to ever be president.
Worthwhile artists and critics need some degree of empathy or capacity for self-examination, and Trump is really incapable of pretending to have either. Most artists and critics who DO have empathy and capacity for self-reflection are raging liberals who vocally detest Trump’s cruel demagoguery, so Trump’s list of artists to honor that he’s not currently feuding with is incredibly short. Get ready for Kid Rock to sweep this year’s Kennedy Center Awards… 🤢🤮
#3. A second MAGA spa just opened in West Virginia where the milk is raw, the food is unregulated, ivermectin smoothies are available all day, and “leech therapy” is used to suck and filter out all the childhood vaccines from conservative patriots’ blood.
It’s funny how most maps depicting various metrics of Americans’ standards of living by state look like this:
It’s also interesting how, despite several realignments of the major political parties, American conservatives’ power base has consistently been in the South, where their laissez-faire, socially Darwinist policies have led to many of the worst standards of living in the country. And Trump just defunded this region’s rural hospitals!
#4. BREAKING: A new TikTok challenge is offering $75,000 for someone to smack Donald Trump Jr.’s pants pockets on live television to see if any white clouds get dispersed.
I’d be willing to contribute some money to this challenge.
#5. BREAKING: A new poll found that 87% of Twitter users are relieved the algorithm is no longer forcing everyone to see an Elon Musk post at the top of their feeds when they open the app, and a Musk tweet every third post while scrolling, and random Musk comments on posts from people you don’t follow and don’t care at all about.
I made up the 87%, but I think it’s an accurate reading of the vibes. I absolutely love that Elon ate shit and is now shutting up at least for a while. Talk about a guy who flew too close to the sun and melted his wings. He became the de facto co-president, as well as the richest person on the planet, and he immediately managed to dismantle his aura of mythical genius, wreck the automotive company his wealth depends on, and make everyone on both sides of the political aisle ostracize him.
Kind of like a dumber, more awkward Alcibiades from ancient Greek history who switched allegiance multiple times during the Peloponnesian War between Sparta, Athens, and Persia until he was eventually assassinated because everyone hated him. There’s a lot of lessons on hubris from Greek history Elon should study.
#6. BREAKING: European leaders are privately expressing concern about “MAGA Face,” or the distracting amount of plastic surgery in the women Trump has appointed to his administration.
This photo matchup of Kristi Noem is going around the Internet:
Laura Loomer, Kimberly Guilfoyle, and Lara Trump have had shocking before-MAGA/after-MAGA transformations as well, alongside the numerous frightening looking women who hang around Mar-a-Lago every weekend. And it’s not just the women. Matt Gaetz looks like a freak, and JD Vance appears to be using makeup, which he likely learned from the orange Clown-in-Chief. For all the hate on the trans community, I don’t think anyone has had more gender-affirming care than Donald Trump. It’s karmic that MAGA is starting to look on the outside as soulless as they are on the inside. 🥃
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The Halfway Post 