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- BREAKING NEWS: A row of porta-potties reportedly just overturned outside the White House where the Rose Garden is being remodeled, and now the entire West Wing “reeks of excretory waste.”
- The Nobel Committee just announced they’re unveiling a “Nobel Puss Prize,” and the first recipient will be Donald Trump to commemorate all the times he has been a pussy around Vladimir Putin.
- North Korea’s Kim Jong Un just posted online an AI photo of himself sitting on a nuclear missile with several buxom women sipping a cocktail with the caption, “Hey, Vladimir, great job against the ‘MaStEr dEaLmAkEr’ Donald Trump!”
- National security officials are warning that Donald Trump’s stance on Ukraine literally depends on whether Putin or Zelensky gives him a bigger, more gold award.
- Trump reportedly regrets that his meeting with Vladimir Putin in Alaska will not be as good as his North Korean nuclear deal, his Iranian nuclear deal, his infrastructure deal, or his Obamacare replacement deal.
- National Security staffers were reportedly terrified that Trump’s dementia was going to flare up during his talk with Putin, and he’d end up somehow offering go give up parts of Alaskan territory to Russia as well as Ukrainian territory.
- Fox News says Gavin Newsom’s tweets mocking Trump are beneath the dignity of an aspiring president.
- Everyone in polite D.C. society is kind of just acting like they didn’t see the viral reports about Laura Loomer volunteering in a deposition apropos of nothing that everyone in the Trump Administration talks about Lindsey Graham being gay.
- Trump is reportedly creating an American version of the Nobel Peace Prize he’s naming the “Donald Trump Peace Prize,” and he’s going to award the first one to himself at a Mar-a-Lago ceremony next month.
- Top Evangelical leaders around the country say they’re beginning to feel used because Trump hasn’t answered any of their phone calls since winning reelection.
- Trump has reportedly told RFK Jr. that he’ll fire him if he “lays one regulatory finger on the chemicals in Diet Coke, McDonald’s, or KFC.”
- A local MAGA fan with Trump flags on his truck, a Bible in his hand, and an AR-15 strapped to his back is having trouble explaining how he’s different than Hamas.
- GOOD NEWS FOR DEMOCRACY: Trump reportedly spent all morning yesterday too mad about the attention Taylor Swift was getting for her new album release to decide on which US city he’ll invade next.
- While JD Vance has been on his 8th vacation in 6 weeks, this time in the UK, British protesters have reportedly been waking him up playing bagpipes every morning outside his rental properties at 6am.
- The janitors in Congress reportedly just installed a “TRANS WOMEN ONLY” sign above the bathroom Nancy Mace has been protesting in front of off-and-on for months.
- White House insiders say Donald Trump is “totally unprepared” for his meeting with Putin, he won’t read his briefings on Ukraine’s non-negotiables, and he’s only interested in how much gold will be in the room where he shakes Putin’s hand for the photo-op.
- Trump was reportedly so angry this week at Gavin Newsom’s tweets that he didn’t read any of his briefings on the Ukraine negotiations.
- Trump is reportedly demanding Melania drop her lawsuit against Hunter Biden because, if she has to talk under oath about Donald’s relationship with Epstein, her deposition will ruin his cover-up and likely lead to him being forced to resign in disgrace.
- Trump reportedly wore extra-strength Depends for his meeting with Vladimir Putin.
- Senator Markwayne Mullin says he has hid in an alleyway dumpster and slept the night inside over a dozen times after seeing Black people walking behind him in D.C.
- Putin reportedly purchased a little tube of “Vicks VapoInhaler” from his hotel this morning to use while meeting with Trump to try and mask Trump’s smell.
- From January until now, 19 women in the Trump Administration have been called “sluts” by other female members of the Trump administration.
- Vladimir Putin was reportedly annoyed at how many times Donald Trump brought up Gavin Newsom’s tweets during their meeting. 🥃
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The Halfway Post 