I made a lot of jokes this weekend about Donald Trump’s health spiraling, and have started saying he has only 6–12 months left to live. I think it’s funny to just keep saying it even though it’s impossible to guess when this village idiot is gonna die (of natural causes). But it is starting to be hard to imagine him living another four years and finishing out his term.
He’s dragging his foot a little, his hand is always purple or caked with even more makeup than his face, his demented rantings are more incoherent by the day, and he’s only ever conducting press conferences anymore sitting behind his desk in the Oval Office covering his intravenous hand… Who knows, he might even be already getting wheeled around in a wheelchair occasionally — he’d never let the public see of course!
Trump’s also golfing less. He went 13 days without golfing before Sunday, and a 14th day reportedly would have been a record of abstinence for his term so far. That might be his biggest tell of all that something’s wrong!
It’s funny to wax satirical on the impending death (of natural causes) of the fascist demagogue currently trying to make himself dictator because fuck fascists. While I would love to see him go to prison for a take-your-pick rape, fraud, grift, bribe, extortion, theft of classified documents, or abuse of presidential power he has committed, it’s a regrettable reality that Republicans just will never let him be held responsible for anything. Besides, if he was somehow prosecuted, MAGA cultists would likely do another January 6th to free him from jail.
So the next best scenario for the continuation of America’s liberal democracy is that he just dies (of natural causes) so he can’t get another 3-ish years to thoroughly Putinize our country. Which is so cringe because then JD Vance takes over… yuck. Vance’s style would be more to Orbánize America with the help of weirdo tech billionaire freaks like Peter Thiel’s crew — which isn’t great — but I’d much prefer to live in Hungary than Russia.
I’d like to note that a person as weird and awkward as Vance could only become president in this manner of succeeding a clownishly unhealthy slob president whose life of trans fat, aspartame, and alleged syphilis finally caught up to him. I imagine a general election with Vance as the Republican nominee would crash worse than Mitt Romney. *takes a huff of hopium* Vance would step on bigger rakes than Romney’s binders-full-of-women gaffe, and this tape of him smearing 47% of Americans as being entitled dependents. That time he ordered donuts from a Black lady is just… *chef’s kiss*
Vance has been miraculously promoted well beyond his political ability thanks to weird freak Peter Thiel buying his career. He will not be the Hitler type of character he accused Trump of being back in 2015. And consider Vance’s background. The office and trappings of the presidency would humble him in a way that Trump just psychologically can’t be after his life of gaudy rich posing to distract from his chronic bankruptcies. And in terms of personality, Vance is vindictive and bitchy, but he’s not truly insane like Trump. Or demented from old age.
Vance would certainly be more concerned about his future legacy than Trump, who cannot intellectually grapple with any form of criticism, and his only form of emotional regulation is preposterous self-aggrandizement. Vance would also care more about trying to unite the country in some minimal, rhetorical manner Trump can’t pretend to adopt.
Also, Vance isn’t that popular. His likeability ratings were low in the election, and he has not since become the leader of a cult like Trump is. Vance’s supporters will not fly flags of his name, wear hats of his catchphrase, and will not fly to D.C. and commit an insurrection for him if he loses in 2028. Hurray for democracy!
Vance is also actually wealthy now thanks to his previous jobs, successful book, and investments — unlike Trump who entered office with debts big enough for his focus to be on finding money streams colluding with foreign governments, extorting foreign leaders, and endlessly soliciting bribes via his hotels, golf courses, cheap merch, NFTs, crypto coins, etc. Vance, I am sure, will be much less focused on his net worth than Trump, whose entire life has been spent lying about it and inflating it obsessively.
Vance would be much more serious about the august responsibilities of the presidency than Trump’s zero respect for them on the Kelvin Scale. Vance might even rise to the occasion and become less of a partisan hack. Maybe he’ll even stop lying about hard-working, legal US residents eatings cats and dogs to fear monger about immigration along lines of race and religion! I doubt it, but he’s much more likely to chill out than Trump. And Vance’s Gen-X racism starts off less overt than Trump’s Boomer racism.
JD Vance is also religious. Maybe the Pope could convince him not to be such a dick. Trump has no religion and no morality, and regularly insults the Evangelically faithful he panders to for political gain by still never opening a Bible or having a single, original opinion on Christian doctrine he’s ever wanted to convey in public. Vance will be much more shamable than Trump.
I acknowledge that Vance is younger, more energetic, and more focused so he would likely govern more effectively in passing Republicans’ horrific agenda of social bigotry, but it would also totally scramble up this awful administration of fascist brown-nosers who are currently running wild with Trump’s fascist impulses.
It’s interesting to wonder how Vance might suddenly pivot the executive branch. Who would he pick as his VP? Would he keep Stephen Miller, Pete Hegseth, Kristi Noem, et al? Would he build himself a more sane administration? He’d likely hire fewer makeup-wearing, self-proclaimed alpha male Fox News hosts with no experience in government.
And it’s not certain that Vance would be effective. He has trouble ordering donuts, and there’s relentless memeifying of him going on, ranging from couch sex to that weird fat Cabbage Patch Doll head of his you see everywhere. And he’s gone on vacation like 8 times in the last 7 months.
Would he be able to command people’s respect? Would Republicans with ambitions of their own work against him? Would cabinet secretaries backstab him if he micro-manages their fiefdoms after months of Trump’s fly-like attention span giving them free range? Does the Republican Party crack and plunge into infighting and anarchy as the party has to figure out which candidates to nominate in the midterms without Trump’s endorsement guiding them. What does MAGA even mean without Trump as its poster boy? Would wannabe 2028 presidential candidates start trying to kneecap Vance? How will the political theatre of a Vance succession play out?
Throw out your wild ideas in the comments below. I’m curious what everyone feels the vibe would be with a President JD Vance… it might come sooner than we think! 😜
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