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- Betting markets are starting to see huge bets that Trump doesn’t live long enough to see the midterms.
- Hillary Clinton has challenged Donald Trump to a physical fitness contest to see who can walk in a straighter line, and who can walk up stairs faster.
- Ghislaine Maxwell claims she hit her head in prison, and now has amnesia about all the years she spent being best friends with Trump and Epstein.
- A new poll found that 75% of Americans do not believe Trump will go to Heaven.
- White House staffers are reportedly alarmed over Trump’s “spiraling health problems” after he hasn’t gone golfing for two weeks, the longest span in over 35 years.
- Trump is reportedly furious that so many people are posting online about his conspicuously spiraling health problems, and his impending death by stroke or heart attack.
- ICE officials say the easiest way to keep track of the illegal immigrants they arrest would be to tattoo their arms.
- Trump is reportedly depressed because his doctors say his chance of living to the end of his presidential term are extremely slim, and he’s upset he’ll be one of the “loser presidents” who died in office.
- After Trump’s doctors warned him he has 6–12 months to live, he reportedly agreed to start a diet and exercise regimen “in two weeks.”
- As Trump ‘s health deteriorates, he’s reportedly getting more pissed at Joe Biden for stealing his best dictator years.
- Trump is reportedly furious after finding out the White House is starting to make preliminary funeral plans for him dying in office.
- Kids on White House tours keep asking Trump why his face is orange, his hands are purple, and why he smells “like doo-doo.”
- Trump’s morbidly purple hands are reportedly scaring schoolchildren on field trip tours of the White House.
- Protesters are shooting sandwiches at the Department of Justice building with a t-shirt cannon to protest ICE.
- Officials in Washington D.C. say Trump’s coverup of the Epstein files means they’re required under the law to officially designate the White House as a sex offender’s residency.
- Some MAGA fans say the purple bruises on Trump’s hands look like Jesus.
- MAGA fans are now coloring their hands purple, as well as wearing diapers and bandages on their ears, to support Trump.
- Conservatives are having trouble understanding why God is still allowing school shootings with Trump as president.
- A developing liberal “Project 2029” is planning on charging the Trump family interest on their decades of tax evasion and fraud so they’re all penniless. 🥃
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The Halfway Post 
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