Ted Cruz Defaced Public Property

• A warrant for Ted Cruz’s arrest was reportedly just issued over his misdemeanor defacement of public property.
• Administration officials were reportedly thankful Donald Trump chose to golf instead of going to any Charlie Kirk memorials because they feared he’d talk more about his White House ballroom than Charlie.
• Kash Patel is reportedly relieved the Kirk shooter’s dad turned him in quickly because Kash had a reservation at another exclusive restaurant that night and he didn’t want to have to interrupt it in the middle to tweet about misidentified suspects.
• The birthday card Trump sent Epstein reportedly has Trump’s fingerprints on it captured in fried chicken grease stains in the corner.
• Trump Administration officials are reportedly frustrated that so many countries think Trump will be incapacitated by a stroke or die of natural causes in the next year so they’re no longer negotiating with him on trade or foreign policy.
• Eric Trump is reportedly upset that his dad sends Jeffrey Epstein birthdays cards but has never gotten one himself.
• The mysterious feminist mafia who call themselves “The Cliterati” are reportedly finding ICE agents’ homes and spray painting swastikas on their front doors.
• Joe Biden is reportedly thinking about publicly calling Trump a “brain dead, stroked out bitch.”
• Republicans in Congress are vowing to vote against a “Charlie Kirk Gun Violence Prevention Act,” a “Release The Epstein Files For Charlie Act,” and a “Hold Pedophiles In Government Accountable Like Charlie Wanted Act.”
• There ain’t no blue balls like the blue balls Republicans get when a murderer turns out to be a white, Christian, conservative male after they immediately jumped to paranoid assumptions and clamored for civil war.
• Trump just apologized on Fox News for jumping to conclusions about Charlie Kirk’s shooter, for demonizing Democrats over the last 8 years, for dividing the country with hateful rhetoric, for raping teens with Epstein, and for covering up his recent stroke.
• OPINION: Groypers hating Charlie Kirk is proof right-on-right violence is out of control and Trump should send the National Guard into red states.
• Police departments around the country are asking conservatives to stop spray painting negative things about Charlie Kirk just to film themselves painting over them, and are warning they will make arrests for such performative defacement of public property.
• White House staffers say Trump’s cabinet secretaries are all starting to backstab each other and suck up to JD Vance in preparation for Trump’s inevitable stroke that will force him to resign.
• Police are reportedly posted outside of Ted Cruz’s house in Texas waiting for him to come home so they can arrest him for the misdemeanor charge of defacing public property yesterday.
• A church with fog machines, a live band, a revolving stage floor, pyrotechnics, and a pastor worth $250 million just put up a statue of Charlie Kirk on a cross in between their statue of crucified Jesus and the previously installed 20-foot portrait of Donald Trump’s mugshot.
• Trump’s blueprints for his White House ballroom reportedly now include a giant, golden throne.
• BREAKING: Rudy Giuliani is reportedly warning Trump that if he doesn’t pay some of his medical, legal, and sexual harassment fees, he may have some “interesting knowledge about the development of the January 6th protests” that the media would like to know.
• A top Republican senator says most Americans don’t care if Trump violates a few of the boring Constitutional amendments.
• Oklahoma legislators are reportedly proposing legislation that would classify AR-15s as “emotional support items” so they can be brought along on planes.
• Following Rudy Giuliani’s forced sobriety due to his car accident recovery, he now says he’s sorry for January 6th, for all the election fraud lies, and for getting handsy with himself in front of Borat’s daughter. 🥃

---

☕️ My Dadaist graffiti news comedy fights fascism. Become a paid subscriber for only $2.50/month and help me relentlessly mock Donald Trump and his administration’s fascist tendencies.

Or buy me a coffee if you want to help keep me caffeinated and amped to think up jokes about MAGA world!

If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published two books for you: Satire In The Trump Years and Satire In The Biden Years, available on Barnes & Noble, Amazon, and Kobo. Or, better yet, request your local library order a copy on their website.

I’ve also published three existentialist poetry books, Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, and Hotel Golden Hours available in print and on Kindle.

Because our social media platforms are being scrambled up by oligarchs, if you like my humor, diversify where you follow me so you never miss my jokes to interrupt your doomscrolling: Twitter, Bluesky, Threads, Facebook, Instagram, Spoutible, Medium, and Substack.

Browse my comedy portfolio, my graffiti news portfolio, and my poetry portfolio.