Charlie Kirk’s Memorial Was A Record Day For Gay Dating Apps

• Gay dating apps’ traffic surged so heavily in Phoenix during the Charlie Kirk memorial that the apps are planning to make the memorial an annual event.
• Donald Trump is reportedly pissed at his staff for letting him hire Kash Patel, Pete Hegseth, and Mike Waltz, who he says have turned out to be total failures.
• A new initiative for conservatives families is asking parents to get their teen sons a guitar rather than a gun because guitars don’t kill people, and might actually lead to their sons getting laid in college.
• Ron DeSantis is reportedly depressed because focus groups keep finding that voters don’t want to follow a president named Donald with a president named Ronald.
• Trump is demanding Pam Bondi arrest the British citizens who projected photos of him hugging Epstein on Windsor Castle.
• Trump reportedly just accidentally drew a naked young girl and wrote an enigmatic poem on a birthday card he addressed to Jeffrey Epstein out of muscle memory.
• Trump reportedly switched his goblet at lunch with King Charles’s goblet so he could have the bigger one with more gold.
• Jimmy Kimmel’s next TV show is reportedly going to be a “Lost” style series following Donald Trump and Jeffrey Epstein after they’re stranded on a remote island and then tortured by a pack of feral teen girls who mysteriously live there.
• ALERT: Possible mandela effect here… did Republicans used to want to make comedy legal again?
• Elon Musk says the first colonizers of Mars will be paid in a crypto currency he’s launching called Cybertruck Coin.
• Trump claims the Constitutional amendments are “just suggestions,” like marriage vows and doctors’ orders to stop drinking 16 Diet Cokes a day.
• The British Royal Family reportedly locked up the Royal Jewels with extra caution while Trump was in London.
• Trump reportedly ate so much McDonald’s food today because ABC reinstated Jimmy Kimmel’s show that his doctors are worried his heart will have “the big one” tonight.
• Several Nazi-related museums in Germany are reportedly playing clips from Stephen Miller’s recent speech at the Charlie Kirk memoir in their “Never Again” themed rooms.
• JD Vance apologized for contributing to the political violence called Trump “Hitler” more than most Democrats.
• Republican infighting is reportedly engulfing Turning Point USA with conservatives across America outraged at “DEI hire” Erika Kirk, and complaints that the Bible is very clear women’s opinions should not ever be publicly heard.
• A televangelist from Arkansas claims there haven’t been any rainbows since January because Trump “defeated the Gay Mafia.” 🥃

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