The Halfway Post’s Dadaist graffiti news headlines from the period of the 2020 election, January 6th, and Joe Biden’s inauguration:
Eric Trump sent Georgia’s Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger 11,800 faked votes for his dad, but signed his own name on all of them.
Donald Trump promised Mike Pence he’ll never force a mistress to get an abortion again if he overturns the Electoral College vote for him.
Ted Cruz reportedly told Josh Hawley to “back off,” says being the most hated senator is HIS thing.
“MAGA” has been distilled at last to its purest essence: a riot mob occupying Congress with a noose outside chanting “Hang Mike Pence” as his four years of mindless loyalty is negated in their eyes forever by a single, unforgivable, purely administrative recognition of already-certified state votes.
Ted Cruz is currently calling friends and advisers frantically asking if they think he’d be more likely to become president if he renounces the insurrectionist mob or joins them.
Cops are relieved none of the insurrectionists are Black Lives Matter activists, or they’d finally have to start violently suppressing the Capitol siege.
There’s nothing funny about these insurrectionist Capitol riots, except that the likelihood Stephen Miller accidentally kills himself with autoerotic asphyxiation masturbating to all the fascism on TV has gone way up.
Americans agree to repeal the 25th Amendment’s part about removing an unfit president because, if Republicans won’t use it after Trump incited a literal riot to attack the entire legislative branch of government, it will never be used and is just cluttering our Constitution.
Josh Hawley, sobbing, tells CNN he wasn’t intending to incite violence with his election lies, and was only trying to get ahead in Iowa’s next presidential caucus.
Trump casually reminded staffers horrified at the Capitol insurrection playing on every television that “all press is good press.”
After being banned from Twitter, Trump is now frantically attaching messages to pigeons’ feet and telling them to fly to anyone wearing a red MAGA hat.
Trump is reportedly suffering severe withdrawal symptoms just ten minutes after being locked out of his Twitter account, and is chugging multiple cases of Diet Coke every hour.
Past Trump behavior suggests he’s going to regret releasing his conciliatory, taped video clearly dictated by lawyers asking his followers not to kill more people in about two hours when he decides it makes him look weak. Then he’ll get furious at the advisers who told him he had to call for peace, and double down on his and his followers’ sense of victimhood until his lawyers explain again that he can be put in prison for incitement.
Conservatives are currently debating how storming Congress to overturn a democratic election and ending American democracy compares to kneeling during the National Anthem on the scale of “hating the troops.”
Matt Gaetz: “How do we know Hillary Clinton didn’t clone herself a thousand times, and all those insurrectionists weren’t just the clones dressed up like Trump supporters?”
Elaine Chao, wife of Senator Mitch McConnell, resigned from the worst, most corrupt administration ever at the full turtle speed of 3.99 years.
Betsy DeVos just resigned, said she can’t focus on resegregation efforts based on the proliferation of charter schools in such a toxic administration.
Wilbur Ross just woke up from a two-day nap, is asking where everyone else in the cabinet went.
Josh Hawley was forced to eat lunch today at the Senate misfits table with Ted Cruz.
Asked about a second impeachment following the insurrection riot, Susan Collins said she’s “super duper sure” Trump has learned his lesson this time.
Trump claims he inherited the insurrectionist mob from Obama.
With riot coverage everywhere in the media, Ben Carson is asking if this is a good time to ask for some new dining room furniture for his office.
Eric Trump just asked his father, “Daddy, are we bad people?”
Ted Cruz is relieved that everyone already hates him so Josh Hawley is getting more blame for the riot than him.
Donald Trump, burying his head in Ivanka’s chest as she consoles him, is muttering to himself, “Most admired man! Biggest inauguration crowd! Big hands!”
Kim Jong Un just distanced himself from Trump, says they were never “lovers” like Trump has claimed in the past. Kim said he only “used Trump” for his body in a “regrettable moment of corpulent lust.”
Republican members of Congress are complaining that Trump was kicked off Twitter despite always saying they never read any of his tweets.
Trump is currently roaming D.C. alleyways asking passersby if they can spare just one tweet.
Trump is preparing to give several 15-second press conferences about January 6th, 280 characters at a time.
Eric Trump on his new Parler account is asking his followers if they know any good children’s cancer charities he should follow.
Ted Cruz reportedly can’t hear the choruses calling for him to resign over the sound of his roaring presidential ambitions.
Trump hopes inciting the violent insurrection riot doesn’t take him out of the running for the Nobel Peace Prize.
Jeb Bush is somewhere watching news coverage of the riot with a tear falling down his cheek while he softly claps for himself.
Kevin McCarthy: “We Republicans MAY have gotten a little carried away with all the lying and fake moral outrage turning every political battle into an all-encompassing, culturally existential crisis for our mob-like voters who have now turned violent against democracy and even us… oops.”
Mike Pence told Trump that his mother won’t let them be friends anymore.
Donald Trump’s Tumblr account, which he uses to post “tasteful, body-positive” self-portrait nudes, has not yet been removed like all his other social media accounts.
Jared Kushner reportedly thinks he may have married into the wrong family.
Republicans say that, in the interest of unity, Democrats should let Mitch McConnell stay Senate Majority Leader for two more years.
Bigots will soon be adding Trump flags above their Confederate and Nazi flags in their basement, and tell people “It’s not offensive, it’s my heritage!”
Trump just started a hunger strike in the Oval Office to protest being banned from Twitter.
UPDATE: Seven minutes later he asked for a Big Mac.
Trump is reportedly claiming he was “so close” to finishing out his presidency scandal-free.
Ivanka Trump says that every time her father did something illegal, immoral, racist or fascist, she was in the other room working on women’s empowerment issues.
Trump is desperately asking aides what distraction he should create to distract from the coup that distracts from his COVID failures and election loss.
Kellyanne Conway claims Trump’s insurrection wasn’t a coup, it was just an “alternative concession.”
Mike Pence wants to blame the Gay Agenda for the rioters chanting “Hang Mike Pence,” but is frustrated he can’t find traces of glitter anywhere in the Capitol hallways to prove it was them.
Republicans say if Democrats are going to admit D.C. and Puerto Rico as states, they should be able to admit the “State of Denial” into the Union and get two extra senators who claim Trump really won.
Republicans say a new tax cut for the rich will trickle down and unify the country of all our political divisions.
Ted Cruz says he cares about calls for his resignation as much as he cares about insults aimed at his wife.
Trump says it’s “racist” the Black president got two terms and he doesn’t.
Ken Starr says unless any of Trump’s sperm is found on the rioters’ clothes Trump couldn’t possibly be impeached for inciting the coup attempt.
McDonald’s just banned Donald Trump from ever eating their food again.
Trump was already going to be remembered metaphorically as a bloody s*** stain on US history, and now he’s vomiting all over the pile of s*** to spite us.
Adderall just put Trump on its national do-not-prescribe list.
“You’ll never abandon me like everyone else,” Trump just whispered to his seven-scoop bowl of ice cream.
Trump spent all weekend stealing priceless American historical artifacts to pawn in the next few months to cover interest payments on his debts.
Trump is currently sulking around the White House with a tub of fried chicken intended for a family of six writing “I won” in grease with his finger on the walls.
BREAKING NEWS: Eric Trump currently has a nosebleed from sticking a crayon up his nostril to “color his brain yellow.”
Trump signed an executive order demanding everyone send back their COVID relief checks because of how unfairly everyone is treating him.
Ivanka Trump says the senator who spends the least money on her handbags and fashion brands this year will be the senator whose state she “moves to” in order to run against in 2022.
The International Big Mac Eating Championship has announced they will no longer be hosting their 2021 annual competition at Mar-a-Lago.
Tomi Lahren has reportedly been struggling for days, but just can’t make the logic math work on proving how the Capitol insurrection was really Colin Kaepernick’s fault.
Ted Cruz says he couldn’t live with himself unless he leaves his daughters an America he destroyed stopping at nothing to try and become president.
BREAKING NEWS: President Donald Trump is reportedly no longer using toilets in the White House…
Matt Gaetz says his 2008 DUI was because of Antifa.
Jim Jordan accidentally left his Zoom camera on while strangling several squirrels in his office during the impeachment committee hearings.
Ivanka Trump just released a pop song titled “Daddy’s Ketchup.”
“In the name of national unity, the investigation into what I knew about those wrestler kids should be dropped!” says Jim Jordan.
Mitch McConnell, now suddenly considering voting for convicting Trump, says three impeachment ghosts visited him last night and taught him the meaning of the Constitution.
Fox News is reportedly offering $10,000 for anyone who can provide information that leads to the identification of one Antifa member among the Capitol insurrectionists so Fox can blame the riot all on liberals.
Ivanka Trump is reportedly worried her father’s cultivation of anti-Semites will hurt her presidential ambitions, and that she won’t be able to win over the “Camp Auschwitz” t-shirt-wearing rioters at the Capitol insurrection.
“We should be focusing on COVID, the economy, and holding the rioters accountable, not impeachment!” say Republicans who don’t want any more relief checks, economic stimulus, or to punish collaborating insurrectionist members of Congress.
“The radical, socialist Democrat communists who hate America and freedom and will stop at nothing to destroy the American way of life and culture need to be less divisive,” say the majority of Congressional Republicans.
Trump is reportedly pissed he got impeached twice and didn’t even get one blowjob like Bill Clinton did.
Trump says he should be remembered and celebrated in history like George Washington for “voluntarily” giving up power.
Joe Biden says he gets to play laser tag as many days as Trump golfed.
White House staffers unanimously agree that Trump’s election loss has revealed him to be the most agonizingly loud, ugly crier they’ve ever seen or heard. Also, he’s been going through an entire bottle of ketchup every day in some kind of calming meditative ritual.
Trump claims Democrats bused in dozens of legislators from Mexico to fraudulently vote for his impeachment in the House of Representatives.
Trump wants the record to show that he would have gotten COVID cases down to zero if Democrats hadn’t impeached him twice.
BREAKING NEWS: Ted Cruz admits he’s Mothman.
Ivanka Trump is reportedly eating a lot of possum to prepare for fitting in when she moves to Florida.
Trump was just heard screaming at Rudy Giuliani and blaming him for his political woes, yelling out “From now on, you’re working pro boner!”
Ivanka Trump just launched a new clothing brand called “Proud Girls” that has been called “paramilitary-chic,” “fashionably fascist,” and “extremely low-quality.”
Ivanka Trump says her First Amendment rights are being violated by New York socialites who won’t invite her to any parties.
Stephen Miller is reportedly freaking out because he doesn’t remember where he hid all those bodies in the White House, and has found only five of the seven he hid, though the total of seven comes with a margin of error of one because he may have eaten one of the bodies and forgotten about it.
Donald Jr. is currently filming a video for his Parler account with bright red, bloodshot cocaine eyes, but keeps having to start over because he can’t finish the full three-minute monologue before blinking.
Trump: “No supporter of mine commits violence against the government… and then claims I incited them as a legal defense!”
Ivanka Trump’s Guide For Women’s Success In Business:
Step 1: Ask Daddy for a job in Grandpa’s company
Step 2: Now you’re the executive vice president, yay for your Girl Boss status!
Ivanka Trump insisted the Secret Service refer to her as “Madame Future President.”
BREAKING NEWS: Matt Gaetz was found to have texted the Capitol rioters ahead of time asking them not to mess up his hair.
The only Florida country club that will accept Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner has outhouse bathrooms and a dinner buffet with “Possum Soup Tuesdays.”
Jared Kushner says his D.C. house’s toilets were only off-limits to their Secret Service guards because he was embarrassed to let them see how often Ivanka clogs them.
The FBI’s forensic investigation found that most of the feces left on the floor and smeared on the walls during the insurrection riot in the Capitol came from Jim Jordan. “Just like bullets have traceable rifling to match what gun the bullets were fired from, the colon rifling on these turds match exactly to Jim Jordan’s anus,” said D.C. Police Chief Thomas Harkin.
Dildos were found in three anti-gay Republican Congressmen’s briefcases today after they initially refused Capitol police officers’ efforts to check them in accordance with updated security protocols following the insurrection riot.
Jared and Ivanka sent out Florida mansion-warming party invitations last week to celebrate their move to Florida, but the only person who has RSVP’ed is Ted Cruz, who wasn’t sent an invitation.
Trump reportedly thinks Republican senators are giving him bad advice by telling him not to start a civil war because Vladimir Putin, in contrast, has been telling him it’s the best idea any US president in history has ever had.
QAnon is telling believers that Trump will only soon be going to jail for rape, fraud, tax evasion, and dozens of other crimes as a ruse so that he can fight the global pedophile cabal undercover from the inside of prison.
“Today we honor Martin Luther King Jr.” tweets every conservative who spends every other day of the year promoting ethno-nationalism with fundamentalist zeal.
Gun-loving Lauren Boebert says it’s not fair that Democrats get to bring their favorite weapon of coat-hangers into the Capitol, but she can’t bring a gun to protect herself from Nancy Pelosi’s baby-eating fangs.
Trump just asked why “Cancel Culture” can’t cancel something useful, like his business debts.
Ivanka Trump wrote a ceremonial letter to Joe Biden’s incoming Daughter-Executive-Adviser, but doesn’t know who to give it to.
Trump thought about barricading himself in the White House by taking his son Eric as a hostage, but realized no one would believe he cares about Eric’s safety.
Scientists have taxonomically added the new human species “Homo republicanensis” to classify Republican members of Congress who have somehow observably evolved with no backbones.
The Mar-a-Lago television screen shows Joe Biden holding Jill Biden’s hand at the inauguration. A tear escapes from Donald Trump’s eye and rolls down his cheek. He grabs his own hand, limp and moist, and gives it a light squeeze. “Is this love?” he wonders to himself.
QAnon believers everywhere are melting down while watching the Biden inauguration. “Why are Biden, Obama, and Pelosi not being arrested yet?” they scream aloud. “Why is Biden being allowed to give this speech? Why is Trump not being sworn in again? I ruined all my personal relationships arguing with everyone that Trump would be starting his second term today! I look like an idiot!”
Biden says the White House staff did the best they could, but the residency “still reeks of hairspray” and the bathroom carpets still have traces of orange.
Joe Biden asked the White House janitor why he keeps finding caps from Sharpie markers all over the place.
Donald Trump’s second impeachment defense is that Hillary and Obama set him up at the insurrection rally. He claims he saw Obama waving a Kenyan flag, and heard Hillary screaming, “Vive la Benghazi!”
Trump apologized for calling the media “the enemy of the people” for so many years, and said his impeachment trial due to the violence-inciting speech he delivered to the insurrectionist crowd has taught him how important free speech is and how it should never be punished or prosecuted for any reason.
Mitch McConnell said “F*** it,” and has begun wearing his beloved turtle ties and socks. “Let them mock me!” he shouted to his bathroom mirror this morning, “I’m not ashamed of my passion for herpetoids!”
BREAKING NEWS 1/20/2020: Joe Biden just directed all workers to arrest their employers, nationalized America’s iron and steel industries, ordered all farmers to collectivize their land and crops, and abolished private property. America is fully communist now, just like Trump said would happen! 🥃
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