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Facing pressure from Donald Trump to change the subject away from the Epstein Files, Fox News executive producers have decided on a distraction strategy of launching its annual coverage of the “War on Christmas” quite a bit earlier than usual this year.
“There’s nothing else we can think of to keep our audience of elderly lemmings distracted from Donald Trump’s somewhat blatant efforts to bury the Epstein Files,” said a Fox executive, who requested anonymity to both discuss the network’s internal deliberations as well as insult the cognitive faculties of the network’s average viewer.
“It has been hard enough to convince MAGA fans that Trump was innocent during the impeachments, January 6th, all the Trump Organization fraud, and threatening the secretary of state of Georgia, nominating Matt Gaetz as attorney general, invading a bunch of US cities, and trampling on several explicitly mandated Constitutional rights, but this Epstein stuff just won’t go away! Our viewers might be empathetically devoid, scholastically challenged addicts of hyper-partisan garbage with no critical-thinking skills, but they really don’t like the pedophile sext trafficking ring stuff. Even Sean Hannity can’t spin this stuff. I doubt even Fox’s patron saint Joseph Goebbels could spin this stuff. And Hannity, Laura Ingraham, and Jesse Watters are no Joseph Goebbels, no matter how many Nazi propaganda videos we make them watch and take notes on during our annual company retreats!”
The executive sighed before continuing.
“So distracting our viewers with endless ‘War on Christmas’ content for the next three months is our only hope. We have to do something. Anything! …Well, not anything. We can’t just start being objective, neutral arbiters of the truth, and cut out all the pavlovian defenses of Republican partisan interests. We’re already hemorrhaging viewers to OAN and Newsmax. We have to keep throwing conservative viewers the red meat they demand, or they’ll abandon us for being Woke RINOs! So starting next week we’re launching the ‘War on Christmas’ quite a bit early. We may not be able to defend Trump being best friends with Epstein for years, and of course all the creepy birthday cards he sent over the years, but we can bury our heads in the proverbial sand and accuse the Democrats of culturally sodomizing Santa Claus!”
The following Christmas-related segments will begin to air next Monday to keep Fox viewers angry and distracted:
- What If Democrats Had Aborted Jesus?: A dramatic imagining of our Founding Fathers as Muslim terrorists, featuring El Binyamin Franklin, Tamam al-Jefferson, and Ghasan Wahhabington, the first caliph of al-Ameriqaeda.
- Liberal Santa: a Laura Ingraham production featuring the Democrats’ desired Santa who has divorced Mrs. Claus to be gay with the elves, dyed his hair blue, and converted to satanism.
- Globalism Vs. The Messiah: a conspiratorial documentary alleging that George Soros’s long ago ancestors paid Pontius Pilate to kill Jesus, only Jesus didn’t die, and had kids in a direct family line that led many generations later to Donald Trump.
- God’s Chosen President: a propaganda film in North Korean style that claims Donald Trump was virgin-birthed, only golfs holes-in-one, he does not pee or poop, and he invented the recipe for McDonalds’ Big Mac.
- How To Keep Your Testicles Tan Throughout The Dark Winter: a Tucker Carlson production advertising his new Tucker’s Testes 2.0 testicle tanning machines, which retail for $199.99.
- A Libertarian Christmas Carol: a remake where several ghosts visit Tiny Tim on Christmas Eve and inspire him to stop complaining and expecting free stuff, and to pull himself up by his crutches to become the very rich CEO of a coal mine with abysmal safety records.
- Donald Trump Jr.’s Christmas Stories: Fox has agreed to give Don Jr. a weekly show on Sundays at 11pm to share memories of growing up with Donald Trump as his father, and whatever else comes to his head as he sniffles with glassy, red eyes that blink once per minute.
- Gift Ideas From The NRA: a presentation on why AR-15s are a perfect Christmas gift for Christians to celebrate Jesus’s lamb-like mercy, love, and desire for us to always turn the other cheek.
- Christmas Decorating With Melania Trump: a camera follows Melania as she grudgingly directs the placement of decorations at Mar-a-Lago looking repeatedly at pictures of White House Christmas decor from 2009–2016, and odd moments where her lips are moving but there is no sound because the producers had to cut out the audio of all the times she mutters to herself “I f***ing hate Christmas,” “This is f***ing bulls***!” and, “If he tries to run for a third term I’m going to smother him!”
- It’s A Wokeful Life: a conservative parody of “It’s A Wonderful Life,” in which the protagonist Jim Crow is depressed about everyone hating him until in a dream he sees what a Critical Race Theory dystopia of racial equality America would be today if he hadn’t ever existed.
- A Kamala Harris Christmas: an animated cartoon for kids showing Christmas morning in an alternate reality where Harris won the election, and there are no gifts for any children because of inflation and communism, and there’s not even any coal for the naughty children because Harris converted all our energy to solar and wind power, and now because it’s winter and cloudy everyone’s homes have no power so Christmas is ruined for everyone.
- Advertisements for Mike Lindell’s newest MyPillow product, a pillow that shows Donald Trump’s butt bending over so that MAGA fans can brown-nose Trump even while sleeping, sold at the sale price of $45.45. 🥃
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The Halfway Post 