Stephen Miller Has Reportedly Started Sleeping At Night In A Coffin

• Stephen Miller was reportedly so shocked and demoralized by the Republican losses in the election that he almost didn’t get into his coffin before the sunrise Tuesday night.
• Protesters in D.C. are reportedly writing “lame duck” in chalk everywhere on the sidewalk all around the White House following Democrats’ sweep of the elections tonight.
• Trump spend all election night drawing furiously over printed out electoral maps of NYC, VA, and NJ with his Sharpie marker to make himself feel better.
• Stephen Miller reportedly ate an entire jar of mayonnaise while nervously watching the election results.
• Trump is reportedly thinking about faking getting shot in the ear again to win back sympathy from voters.
• The top video on several major porn sites tonight is a compilation of local police arresting ICE agents for assaulting citizens.
• Trump says he won’t release the Epstein Files if Zohran Mamdani wins.
• 2004 me would not believe how eager 2025 me would be to trade the current president for Dick Cheney.
• Trump reportedly wants to attack Dick Cheney on Truth Social today but is worried about how mean people will be about his own death when he dies.
• Republicans in Congress are reportedly terrified the midterms will be an “extinction event” for them if Jack Smith’s evidence of Trump’s coup attempt is unveiled alongside the Epstein Files.
• JD Vance is reportedly interested in making Ted Cruz his vice president if Trump has to step down for health reasons.
• Several top gay dating apps have reported a surge in use in the D.C. areas around Congress and the Republican Congressional office buildings since the government shutdown began.
• A MAGA fan who spent the last month hoarding feces to dump in his liberal neighbors’ lawns in honor of Trump’s recent controversial jet poop-bombing AI video announced he appears to have given himself Hepatitis A.
• Americans are waiting for Fox News to start sending reporters to drag queen competitions in Brooklyn to interview transgender socialists so they can understand how they lost the election so badly.
• White House doctors are reportedly worried the election’s epic Democratic victories are raising Trump’s blood pressure high enough for “the big one.”
• Republican officials are calling for reversing their gerrymandering efforts after last night’s blue wave because weakening a bunch of safe red seats to be greedy could make them lose way more seats in total if Trump stays so unpopular.
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