Melania’s New Documentary Makes Her Husband Look Bad

Official White House photo (cropped) by Andrea Hanks | via Flickr.com Public Domain CC 1.0

Melania Trump’s new Amazon Prime documentary is surprisingly honest and critical of her husband, Donald Trump. The following are details gleaned from Melania’s interview segments:

Donald’s morning hair and makeup routine takes twice as long as hers.
Donald’s hair is implanted and 3-feet long, and is only attached in the back. The hair is wrapped around his head like a turban and then saturated with a full can of hairspray.
Melania loves the South Park depictions of Donald’s micro penis, and laughed for 6 minutes straight the first time she saw it.
Donald has a TV in every room of his penthouse suites so he can watch and listen to what Fox News is saying about him wherever he goes.
Whenever he hears his name said on TV, he yells at everyone to shut up so he can hear what they say about him.
Donald keeps the TV on while sleeping, and snaps awake every time his name is mentioned as he mumble-yells, “What are they saying about me?”
Donald won’t eat or drink anything Melania gives him, because he suspects and has accused her of wanting to poison him.
Donald has “saucer nipples.”
Donald’s favorite, most played son is ABBA’s “Dancing Queen,” and Donald always sings out loud the part where the lyrics go, “You are the dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen…”
Melania never sleeps in the same room as Donald because every morning the pillowcases of his bed are all smeared orange.
Melania has an annual lunch date with Stormy Daniels where they make fun of Donald.
Eric, to this day, calls her “Malaria,” and confuses her native country of Slovenia with Transylvania.
Donald has started using a walker and wheelchair when cameras aren’t around.
Donald likes to spit in the food given to Congressional Republicans when they come to the White House for state dinners.
Every time Don Jr. calls him, he looks at the caller ID on his cell phone and mutters to himself, “Oh, Jesus Christ, what now?”
Donald has a tattoo of his own signature on his mons pubis.
The first time Melania met Donald’s son Eric, Donald whispered in her ear, “I’m not really the father of that one.”
Throughout Donald’s presidency, Melania threatened to humiliate him with a divorce several times to win all kinds of concessions from him. She procured Barron more money in Donald’s will than either Eric or Don Jr. will get, though, of course, less than Ivanka.
Every time Melania and Barron are in the room with Donald, they pantomime little improvisational scenes when his back is turned where they act out stabbing him, choking him to death, or shooting him and burst out laughing.
Melania thinks it’s funny when children ask Trump during holiday events at the White House why his face is so orange.
The reason she never rides in the same Secret Service car as Donald is because his stench makes her wretch.
Donald kept a dog kennel in the Oval Office, and when he was angry he’d force Ted Cruz, Lindsey Graham, Kevin McCarthy, Mark Meadows, or someone else nearby to get inside so he could scream at them, hit the sides of the kennel with a baseball bat, spit on them, and pour Diet Coke cans all over them through the holes.
Donald asked her to call him “John Barron” on their earliest dates.
When Donald sees a spider he screams and yells for Melania or Barron to come kill it.
When Donald farts he bends his head down to his knees, takes a big whiff, and yells, “Take that, climate change!”
Candles cannot be lit in any of his bathrooms because of how much hairspray is coated on every surface.
Donald once told her that he worries that after he dies Ivanka might dismember Eric and Don Jr., and then mail the body parts to Barron and Tiffany as a warning not to f*ck with her or get in her way of consolidating all the family money and real estate properties.
Donald didn’t think he’d actually win the 2016 election, and he smelled particularly bad that night because a few times on election night, when he remembered he’d actually have to do the job for four years, some pee dribbled out.
She once caught Donald having sexual relations with a jar of ketchup.
While Donald was president, Melania would occasionally buy cockroaches and let them loose in Ivanka’s White House office, or mail boxes of them to Ivanka’s house.
She has never once witnessed Donald pray or read the Bible even one time.
Donald watches a lot of WWII movies, and always comments favorably on the loyalty of the SS officers.
Ivanka has turned down several requests from Donald that she tattoo his signature somewhere on her body.
Donald has several locked, fire-proof safes in all of his properties filled with spare copies of the blackmail he has accumulated on his friends, enemies, members of Congress, and a long list of state and federal prosecutors.
Donald has several life-sized, nude portraits of himself in his Trump Tower penthouse that she says are far from anatomically accurate.

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