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- Regular attendees of the Kennedy Center’s artistic productions say they can’t bear to go anymore because of how “shocking” it is to look at all the Mar-a-Lago-Faced women who have begun attending since Trump added his name to the building.
- Pete Hegseth is reportedly very surprised with himself and proud that he didn’t accidentally leak the Venezuela operation.
- A 7th grader named Megan on a White House tour today reportedly asked Trump, “You’re doing regime change in Venezuela to distract everyone from how your tariffs aren’t working, inflation is still rising, and the Epstein cover-up makes you look terrible, aren’t you?”
- Marco Rubio is reportedly beginning to worry Trump has no plan for Venezuela, and will throw him under the bus if shit hits the fan.
- Senate Republicans reportedly all think Trump’s threat to annex Greenland is idiotic and would end NATO as we know it, but none of them want to be the first to say anything about it in public.
- Top media CEOs are reportedly privately expressing guilt over their financially motivated corporate timidity against all the Trump Administration’s open displays of fascism in the bureaucracy.
- Trump staffers are reportedly arguing about who has to inform him that Pam Bondi has not yet squashed the rumors that he owns a locket necklace with a condom Jeffrey Epstein used in it.
- The medical clinic for reproductive health in Hawaii that renamed itself as the “The Donald J. Trump Center For Syphilis and Chlamydia” says all their customers love the name change.
- Dozens of protesters are reportedly playing vuvuzelas as annoyingly as they can outside the gates of Mar-a-Lago to protest Trump’s illegal actions in Venezuela.
- A new poll found that 71% of Americans miss going to bed and not worrying whether Joe Biden was going to bomb a random country and arrest its leader with no warning while they were sleeping.
- Scotland is reportedly planning to build a school right next to Trump’s golf course there, register Trump as a sex offender, and then use that designation to arrest Trump if he tries to golf at his property on the 4th, 9th, 12th, or 17th holes.
- Trump is reportedly worried of China or Russia kidnapping him like he just kidnapped Maduro, and he’s nervous because he’s out of shape and can’t move fast because of his swollen cankles.
- A viral TikTok trend involves teenagers ordering Donald Trump’s regular McDonald’s order of fries, a Quarter Pounder, a Big Mac, and a Filet-o-Fish, and seeing if eating it all makes them throw up.
- Venezuelan officials are reportedly discussing how to spend 1% of their oil revenue on lawyers for the Trump-Epstein victims until Trump resigns or is impeached.
- Top officials at the United Nations are reportedly calling up the US, Israel, Russia, and China saying, “You guys, come on, be cool — please — come on, guys, why are you not being cool?”
- Top DOJ officials claim the only Epstein Files concerning Trump discuss how he used to read the Bible to the girls at Epstein’s house.
- In her most truthful-sounding defense of Trump yet, Ghislaine Maxwell claims Trump’s body odor was too toxic for Epstein to ever invite him to a sex party because Trump’s stench would make everyone would throw up.
- Trump is reportedly asking his Christian followers to pray that no major natural disasters happen in America until after he’s out of office so Americans don’t realize how drastic his cuts to FEMA were, and they’ll blame his successor instead of him.
- Trump interrupted a private bar mitzvah party last night at Mar-a-Lago, and ranted for 26 minutes about how “they say I shouldn’t say it, but Hitler did, in fact, have loyal generals.”
- JD Vance is reportedly taking charisma classes twice a week to prepare for becoming president, and conducting practice sessions on how to order donuts.
- Trump’s lawyers have reportedly lamented privately that his web of Epstein lies has gotten too big and surpassed his intelligence, memory, and attention span to keep his stories straight.
- George W. Bush is reportedly celebrating that his presidency’s foreign policy is no longer the worst of the 21st Century.
- White House staffers say Stephen Miller’s office at the White House is filled with “hundreds of cockroaches” that scurried out of the East Wing when it was demolished and found apparently comfortable nesting spaces next to Stephen.
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If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published two books for you: Satire In The Trump Years, and Satire In The Biden Years. Or, better yet, request your local library order a copy on their website.
I’ve also published three existentialist poetry books, Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, and Hotel Golden Hours available in print and on Kindle.
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The Halfway Post 