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- Foreign leaders are reportedly telling Donald Trump they will only sign new trade deals with the US if Biden or Obama are involved in the talks so they can talk to “a real American president.”
- Support for local police pulling out guns on ICE agents and arresting them for domestic terrorism is surging to record highs.
- Trump is reportedly pissed the Clintons won’t cooperate with the House’s Epstein Files investigation unless all the files are released, which would incriminate him.
- Trump is reportedly pissed that leaders from dozens of countries are in a group chat that excludes him, and they’re all vowing to stick together and call his bluff on tariffs.
- Trump has reportedly been fuming all weekend because everyone was talking about Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney’s speech instead of his.
- A big group of Super Bowl attendees are reportedly going to coordinate the color of their clothes to spell out “Trump is a pedophile protector” in the stands big enough that the cameras won’t be able to avoid broadcasting it.
- Several billionaires at Davos who attended a meet & greet event with Donald Trump agreed afterwards that the most accurate description of his infamous body odor was “wet, expired roast beef.”
- Top Republicans are reportedly beginning to worry that Stephen Miller has turned ICE into a paramilitary army of sex offenders.
- Chants of “Worse than Biden!” broke out after Trump’s Davos speech, which included Trump calling Greenland “Iceland” several times, insisting Europe is stupid for adopting renewable energy, and audibly farting repeatedly.
- An underground feminist mafia that calls itself “The Clitorati” are reportedly spraypainting the word “pussy” with swastikas for the “S’s” all over ICE agents’ houses so that everyone knows exactly who their neighbors are.
- A new poll found that 93% of Americans think of Donald Trump when they’re asked “Did he shit himself today?”
- ICE officials are reportedly worried that $50,000 is not enough of a bonus for agents to endure 5 years of being socially exiled from family and friends and getting yelled at everywhere they go.
- A federal judge says if ICE is going to barge into people’s homes with no warrant then regular citizens have just as much right to follow ICE agents into their hotels and barge into their rooms.
- A federal judge says someone has to be responsible for Grok (X/Twitter’s AI) producing millions of images of nonconsensual porn as well as child porn, and that’s why he’s adding Elon Musk to the sex offender list.
- The Nobel Committee says they’ll give Trump a Peace Prize if he resigns from the presidency and checks himself into an insane asylum.
- House Republicans are reportedly worried that the Democrats they subpoena in their Epstein investigation will accuse Trump of doing deviant, illegal things with kids, and they’ll have to release all the Epstein Files to try and prove it wasn’t real.
- Officials from 19 countries say their governments are now ignoring Donald Trump’s increasingly desperate calls for trade deals, saying that they’ll pause all deals with the US until a president gets elected who “isn’t a belligerent idiot.”
- A new poll found that 80% of Minneapolis residents want the police to arrest the murderer ICE agents in the video today, and if the other ICE agents obstruct, to arrest them too, and if ICE pulls out their weapons… well, the police are much better trained.
- A TV studio is reportedly filming a movie with a gay love story similar to Heated Rivalry about young Republican staffers clerking for a homophobic Supreme Court judge.
- Kristi Noem is reportedly frustrated that ICE is killing people too often for her to get a new face because there’s not enough time in between press conferences where she lies about the victims for her face to get camera-ready.
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If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published two books for you: Satire In The Trump Years, and Satire In The Biden Years. Or, better yet, request your local library order a copy on their website.
I’ve also published three existentialist poetry books, Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, and Hotel Golden Hours available in print and on Kindle.
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The Halfway Post 