Stephen Miller Missing, Bed Full Of Ash After Forgetting Daylight Savings

Credit: Gage Skidmore (cropped)| gageskidmore.com | via Flickr (CC BY-SA 2.0)

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ALTERNATE TITLE JOKE: Stephen Miller reportedly has second degree burns on his body after forgetting to set his alarm clock forward an hour and waking up violently from the excruciating pain of his skin getting hit by the day’s first sun rays.
Trump is reportedly “losing his patience” with JD Vance for not more loudly cheerleading the Iran War in public or defending his cover up of the Epstein Files, and is reportedly floating the idea of “shaking things up” by forcing Vance to resign after the midterms, and then picking Stephen Miller, the only person in his administration evil enough to truly trust, to be his new vice president.
Fox News anchors are reportedly “ready to mutiny against Donald Trump” after he downplayed Russia helping Iran target Americans, he’s hiding Iranian terror threats from police, he’s preparing to deploy troops in Iran, and it leaked that he raped at least one teen girl.
Trump is reportedly regretting not vetoing the Congressional bill to release the Epstein Files because — though he felt he had to in order to save face after all the Republicans in Congress were shamed into voting nearly unanimously to release them — if he had vetoed it he’s certain the Republicans would have spinelessly and cowardly backed down and not overridden the veto.
JD Vance is reportedly pissed the Iran war is spiraling out of control, and his 2028 presidential campaign is “getting bombed worse than Tehran.”
Trump has reportedly approved an unlimited budget for Kash Patel to attend sporting events and taxi his girlfriend and all her friends so the FBI will be distracted and a successful domestic Iranian terror attack can be used as a pretext to take emergency powers.
Markwayne Mullin is reportedly having “immediate regrets” about agreeing to replace Kristi Noem after finding out DHS is facing dozens of ongoing civil rights lawsuits, Noem frivolously wasted and laundered most of the budget, and the plane has white stains everywhere.
A handful of Republicans in Congress are reportedly trying to convince Pam Bondi and JD Vance to finally rip the bandaid off, leak all the Trump pedophile tapes at once, and use the 25th Amendment to remove him before he nukes Iran or orders a ground invasion.
After decades of Texas Republicans demanding that Democrats campaign and govern according to “Christian values,” a top GOP leader now says, “Okay, you called our bluff — James Talarico is an annoying dork, we actually hate Jesus’s libtard teachings in the New Testament, and the ‘Christian ’ policies we pass in the Texan legislature are technically more accurately described as ‘ancient Judeo values’ because, academically speaking, the concept of Judeo-Christian ethics is quite actually an awkward oxymoron because of how unrecognizable the Old Testament’s ethno-religious and obligatorily legalistic Yahweh is to our Republican Party’s contemporary Southern-Evangelical view of God personified through Jesus as an Antinomian personal cheerleader.”
Marco Rubio is reportedly pissed his Secretary of State legacy is cratering and this Iran crisis is “literally impossible” to manage when Jared Kushner is secretly scheming with Netanyahu, Trump is secretly scheming with Putin, the Gulf States are secretly playing both sides to not be bombed, Trump has pissed off and needlessly antagonized all the Europeans, Pete Hegseth is a trigger-happy and incompetent idiot, State Department staffers can only guess at what secret bribes and blackmail are secretly controlling Trump’s inconsistent behavior and paradoxical policy choices, and no one is telling the American people the truth about what’s going on or how it benefits our national interests.
A top GOP official accidentally just said on a hot mic, “The Democrats are insane to ask us to help impeach Pam Bondi, the person who possesses hundreds of photos, videos, and testimonies of Trump raping kids. Yeah, we’ll get right on that! Oh, shoot, I’m late for church!”
Karoline Leavitt reportedly “can’t wait” to give her baby “Mar-a-Lago Face,” and has already scheduled appointments later this year to give her baby lip filler as well as remove her buccal fat.
A coalition of conservative-leaning tech CEOs, bank executives, hedge fund managers, industrialists, and business leaders are reportedly funding a new superPAC for the midterms to help elect Democrats and give them control of both chambers of Congress so they can check, and balance Trump’s insanity because Republicans won’t, and because it won’t be fun being rich anymore if Trump tariffs Europe into China’s open arms and convinces the developed world to boycott US goods and services, and Trump pays for another forever war with deficit spending and explodes the debt another $10 trillion, and Trump destroys the global value of the Dollar and decimates domestic manufacturing as unemployment rises parallel with inflation, and Trump collapses a dozen more foreign governments so their citizens can’t buy US exports and begin emigrating en masse as refugees to other nations further destabilizing the world, and Trump starts a civil war pitting states’ national guard units against each other enforcing or resisting illegal federal police state oppression, and Trump shreds the Constitution degrading and dismantling the legal system so even the wealthiest people’s private property rights and civic freedoms vanish.
A DHS staffer reportedly quit today after using a blacklight while cleaning out Kristi Noem’s belongings from the department’s private plane.
A new poll found that 35% of 3-time Trump voters regret voting for him a third time. [Author note: I like to think of my Dadaist graffiti news headlines being an equal-and-opposite reaction to Trump lying about everything and being the biggest proliferator of fake news in US history because if Trump says batshit crazy things every day like how his “real approval ratings are 95%” and how he “actually won Minnesota in 2016, 2020, and 2024 by huge margins,” I think it’s more than appropriate for The Halfway Post to make up my own numbers! 😜]
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If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published two books for you: Satire In The Trump Years, and Satire In The Biden Years. Or, better yet, request your local library order a copy on their website.

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