Iran Offers To Open Strait Of Hormuz If The US Releases All Epstein Files

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The new Iranian Ayatollah just announced he’ll agree to open the Strait of Hormuz and let all the oil tankers leave the Persian Gulf in exchange for the US releasing all the Epstein Files with no redactions.
Legal scholars say we might as well adopt a new Constitutional Amendment that gives the power to declare war over to a special “Council of Oil Companies” because Congress absolutely refuses to deliberate and vote on troop deployments, and the only apparent check or balance on presidents’ ability to wage whatever wars they want under any pretense is whether or not the price of oil will go up.
Ukrainian military contractors have reportedly named the new model of drone they’re giving the US the “Vance Thanker.”
Iranian teachers are terrifying school children with pictures of the frightening looking women at Mar-a-Lago with pronounced “Mar-a-Lago face” to illustrate their claims that the United States is led by Satanic demons.
A top Democrat says Iran poses an “imminent threat” to America’s education so we must “preventatively” spend $1 billion a day renovating schools, giving raises to teachers, and funding free lunches to “cripple Iran’s proxies” of illiteracy and ignorance.
Vladimir Putin reportedly told Trump he was only sharing intelligence with Iran so Iranians would know where NOT to bomb.
Iran has reportedly activated sleeper cell agents inside the US to destabilize our government by sneaking into Zorro Ranch, Trump’s golf courses, and other Epstein-affiliated properties to find evidence of murders the files suggest are there that the US government is hiding and actively obstructing investigations into.
A Gen Z intern at CNN just interrupted a board meeting saying, “Sorry to interrupt the tea sesh, but it’s lowkey sus CNN won’t report on Trump’s Epstein rizz because, no cap, he hasn’t sued anyone about it, which for him means he’s delulu for that pedo-core lifestyle.”
An Israeli official says Mossad doesn’t even threaten Lindsey Graham with the blackmail they have on him anymore because everyone in America either believes or at least has heard the rumors, and that “Graham is just a whore for war.”
Pete Hegseth reportedly started therapy today, and vented to the therapist that he feels like a little boy during meetings with top generals, and he’s starting to worry that everyone can see his masculinity-obsessed façade of tough bravado is just a mask to hide crippling self-doubts.
A White House nurse named Rose reportedly sent a memo to Trump’s cabinet telling them, “Stop being pussies and coming to me to treat the blisters all over your feet cause you’re afraid to stop wearing the wrong-sized shoes Trump gave you — grow a pair and wear your own damn shoes!”
A new poll found that 96% of Americans support the idea of raising taxes on the 1% to pay every penny from now on when American troops get deployed abroad.
Adding insult to the literal injury of Marco Rubio walking around all day in shows that are two sizes too small, Trump gave them to Rubio with a note that said, “To Little Marco.”
Trump says foreign policy is rigged against him because he wants to minimize casualties in Iran, but Russia is feeding Iran intelligence on where to strike for maximum damage, but he can’t say anything about it to Putin, and he hasn’t yet figured out how it’s Biden’s fault.
The new Iranian Ayatollah says that if Trump’s cabinet uses the 25th Amendment to remove him from office, he’ll buy them all shoes that actually fit.
A group of over 150 gay men are reportedly traveling to Epstein’s Zorro Ranch this weekend to set the world record for most handjobs going at the same time so that Republicans will finally condemn something that has happened at the ranch.
The only person Trump didn’t give ill-fitting shoes to was JD Vance because he wasn’t vocal enough in public about the Iran War.
After already wearing ill-fitting shoes for weeks, Trump’s cabinet members are reportedly worried his frequent jokes that his next loyalty test will be demanding to sleep with their wives and daughters aren’t actually jokes.
Trump is reportedly planning to send Eric Trump on a ship through the Strait of Hormuz to see if it can be done safely.
Markwayne Mullin is reportedly sending shockwaves throughout the Trump Administration after he announced he disagrees with Kristi Noem’s deportation policies because immigrants “have always been the backbone and soul of American growth and prosperity,” and then he declared that Stephen Miller can fight him if Miller thinks he won’t stick up for America’s constitutional rights by strictly enforcing new codes of conduct for ICE agents to stop terrorizing American communities… lol jk, he’s gonna be a giant dickhole just like Noem!
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