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- Trump’s doctor just announced that Iran needs to make a ceasefire deal or the stress could give Donald Trump a heart attack.
- Iranian officials say they will soon release the most recent voicemail Donald Trump let them in which he begs, threatens, tries to bribe, and finally cries for them to agree to a ceasefire.
- Sending ICE agents to airports has backfired because now they’re all being filmed without masks on and getting doxxed.
- Republican members of Congress are reportedly getting annoyed with how many of their staffers keep warning them that everything Trump and Jared Kushner are doing in Iran is wildly illegal, and they should read the room and see that no one wants this war.
- A new poll found that 93% of Democrats support the next Democratic president nullifying all the pardons Trump will inevitably sign as void, arresting all the criminals, and appealing every court decision as long as possible so they’re in prison at least a few months.
- Islamophobic and antisemitic MAGA Republicans in Congress are reportedly mad they now have to cheer and clap for Trump blowing a trillion dollars in a war started by Israel to protect Gulf Sunnis because, while not supporting or having voted for any of that utterly un-MAGA agenda, they do still hope to get a little more of the domestic fascism they did vote for.
- After Trump posted today that he’s happy Bob Mueller died, several liquor chains started offering a 47% discount on champagne for when it happens to him.
- Iran is reportedly threatening to use 1% of the oil profits they’re making now that Trump lifted the sanctions to buy land near Mar-a-Lago in Palm Beach and build wind turbines.
- Top ICE officials are reportedly worried the agents sent to airports will start shooting people who forget to empty their water bottles, and punching the elderly for “impeding their official business,” and pepper spraying teenagers for vaping.
- MAGA fans keep checking into hospitals having mental breakdowns from no longer being able to pretend Trump’s policies aren’t ruining their lives.
- Leaked private texts from JD Vance, suspected to have been leaked by Vance himself, reportedly show Vance warning administration staffers not to let Trump invade Iran, but also include several complaints Vance apparently made about Trump’s “expired roast beef stench.”
- A whistleblower at the White House claims Jared Kushner and Stephen Miller are running everything while Donald Trump sits in the Oval Office signing hundreds of blank pieces of paper while he says aloud dozens of meaningless and unenforceable executive orders and gets up every three minutes and stares out the window at the demolished dirt patch that used to be the East Wing and tells himself it’s going to be the most beautiful ballroom anyone has ever seen.
- With Israel being bombed, and Putin committing more fully to helping Iran target Americans, the prediction markets are now betting Donald Trump is most likely to choose Buenos Aires when he inevitably flees the country instead of Tel Aviv or Moscow.
- An extremely MAGA televangelist from Mississippi who claimed that God was using Trump to start the Iran War so that the Biblical Apocalypse could begin and Rapture up all the Christians just got arrested for running a meth lab in the basement of his church.
- Trump is reportedly furious his Iran War is so unpopular that #Trumpcession has gone viral in 130 countries this weekend to describe the economic damage he is doing.
- Iranian officials have reportedly told Trump they have a ceasefire plan he’s going to love and won’t be able to believe how amazing it is, but they’ll reveal it “in two weeks.”
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If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published three books for you: Satire In The Trump Years, Satire In The Biden Years, and Trump Comedy. Request your local library order a copy.
I’ve also published four existentialist poetry books, Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, Hotel Golden Hours, and Nostradoofus.
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The Halfway Post 