Former President Donald Trump made some controversial comments alleging that he has always kept God, Jesus, and Christian values at the center of his three marriages.
“The Christians really love my marriage to Melania,” Trump said. “My marriage is much more Christian than Joe Biden’s marriage, or Pete Buttigieg’s marriage, or Ron DeSantis’s marriage. Melania and I spend a lot of time reading the Bible together. We can’t put the Bible down! I love so many Bible stories, like the one about that guy Lot, whose daughters got him drunk and then seduced him to have his babies. They say the Bible is tremendously relatable, and that one certain is! Me and Melania’s kid Barry, or whatever his name is, is a good looking kid, but can you imagine if me and Ivanka had a kid? And what if it was a girl? The fake news media always lies about me being attracted to my daughter, and they’d definitely accuse me of being attracted to my granddaughter if I had one with Ivanka. With Ivanka’s legs and jugs, and my youthfully robust head of hair and my healthy, tanned skin glow, that would be something! Too bad the New Testament had to come along and cancel out all the incest stuff the Old Testament allowed Lot to do! But, like I said, my marriage with Melania is totally in honor of Jesus and the Bible. I am 100% faithful to her and Jesus. A lot of people don’t know this, but when I paid off all those porn stars, it was because I DIDN’T do anything with them. Certainly nothing sexual. They just wanted me to teach them about the Bible. Those pornstars came up to me with tears in their eyes, and got down on their knees to beg me to convert them to Christianity. They said, ‘Sir, no one’s more Christian than you, please teach us! Show us how to be great Christians like you are. You’re one of the best Christians, maybe of all time. Maybe Jesus was a little better, but then you’re a close number two right after him!’ So I only went up to those pornstars’ hotel rooms to teach them all about the tremendous love of Jesus. I read them my favorite stories from the Bible, like the time Jesus was eaten by the whale. And the time Jesus cut off Medusa’s head full of snakes for hair. And when Jesus became the king, but found out he had accidentally killed his father and married his mother. Those stories were what guided me as president to make such great deals for America. So I didn’t do anything sexual with those pornstars, I guarantee it. But, you know me, I’m just very humble, and I don’t like to make a big deal about myself and my accomplishments, so I paid those pornstars each a hundred and fifty thousand dollars to swear them to secrecy, and not tell anyone that I saved their souls!”
Trump stopped briefly to drink from a bottle of water with two hands.
“I would never cheat on Melania. No one would believe in a million years that I would ever be unfaithful to her, or any of my wives. I might say some locker room talk occasionally here and there about sexually assaulting women, and using my celebrity to molest and grope them, and daydreaming about what bra size my infant daughters will grow up to have, but Jesus doesn’t listen to locker room talk because locker rooms are where men get undressed and take showers, so Jesus never goes in there. Jesus doesn’t like men. Unlike Pete Buttigieg who is so gay that he likes men! He likes men so much he married one, which is about as gay as a guy can get. Pete maybe committed himself to just one spouse, and to take seriously his marriage vows about the whole till-death-do-you-part stuff, but God gave me a pass because my ex-wives got older and turned ugly. It’s like women just give up having tight, thin bodies worthy of respect after a couple kids, and after turning 40. Jesus understands that I’m a businessman, and I have a luxury brand to protect. Who would want to go to any of my hotels and golf courses if I was still married to my first wife, and had a 78-year old hag hanging around me. Which reminds me, it’s about time I replace Melania. She’s over 50! And I think I let her do too much plastic surgery. She’s starting to look a little alien.”
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