Jesus Wants To Know Why “Christians” Aren’t Jewish

Jesus Christ returned today 2,000 years after His crucifixion, and, following a brief look around Earth, apparently got angry at what he saw.

“What the f*ck is a Christian?” Jesus demanded. “When did I say you didn’t have to be Jewish? Oh, that’s right, I didn’t! I’m a Jew! I ate only boring, kosher food, and I skipped out on eating shrimp and pork, and I never ate the fat of meat! You know why? Because the Bible is unambiguously clear that all the fat on meat must be offered to God! Seriously, who made up the rule that my followers don’t have to be Jewish? I don’t want to go around checking everyone’s penises to see who is circumcised, but I’ll do it if I have to!”

Several bystanders reportedly didn’t know what to say. One of them suggested it was St. Paul who went around converting Greeks instead of Jews.

“Who the f*ck is Paul?” continued Jesus. “And what’s a saint? I don’t remember any Pauls in My Disciples. There were only twelve, you know? If he had been there, I think I’d remember him! And what’s all this Catholic sh*t? When did I do any of that bullsh*t? What the f*ck is a Pope, and who gives a sh*t about them living in Rome? Did I ever live in Rome? No! And why aren’t any women involved in the church? Trust Me, every crew needs a prostitute. I never said all the churches’ leadership had to be total sausage fests. And what’s with all those gaudy hats and robes, and all the gold everywhere in the Vatican? If these so-called Catholic priests are allegedly trying to be like Me, why aren’t they styling themselves according to My homeless-chic fashion! Sandals and one solid tunic are all you need to preach. These Catholic bishops and popes wear the gayest sh*t I’ve ever seen! And speaking of gays, when did I ever say to persecute them? Did I ever persecute anyone? I was wandering around Judea with twelve dudes for months turning water into wine every night. Let’s just say we had some wild, exploratory nights together. The only people I said to persecute were money-changers and selfish, greedy assholes. I was painfully clear that you couldn’t be rich if you wanted to get into Heaven. So what the Hell is this bullsh*t Catholic Church doing stockpiling so much art, gold, and treasures in their giant, elaborate palaces and castles? And why are all the people in their paintings white, blonde, and blue eyed? Do I look white to you? I was wandering around in the f*cking Arab desert, not f*cking Sweden! If these Popes were actually My messengers on Earth, I would expect they’d sell all of their treasure to help the poor! Like I did! How many times do I have to tell you that My followers literally must spend all their time and money helping out the poor? I said it a thousand times! All the stories you recite about Me are about me being utterly selfless and allergic to any form of material wealth! And what are all those creepy rituals these Catholics do? I never said you were literally eating My flesh and drinking My blood! It was a godd*amn metaphor! You think I literally transform your dumb little crackers into My literal flesh? And that cheap wine and juice into My blood? What the f*ck. You think I went around telling people they had to cannibalize Me? That God’s son must be eaten every Sunday? And what the f*ck is Latin? You think I was going around from town to town talking to a bunch of ancient Jews in Latin? If you ‘Catholics’ are going through all this trouble to pretend to preserve My ancient traditions and rituals, why are you not even doing them in Aramaic, or at least Hebrew? It’s insulting and historically ignorant. I don’t know who came up with all this pomp and pageantry, but it seems to Me to be getting in the way of sharing everything with the less fortunate, doesn’t it? And why do priests apparently think I went around diddling kids? At no point in the Gospels is it ever written I fondled little boys! None of My miracles involved pedophilia, or life-long sexual repression! And this confession business has really gotten out of hand. What is that about? At no point did I ever say to any of My followers that they have to tell dirty, old perverts in a tiny box every little sin they ever committed, so the dirty, old perverts can use people’s greatest guilts and most repressed memories to create a psychotic power dynamic where they can get away with diddling kids! I need a shower just thinking about it. Why do so many cults pretending to follow My path inevitably turn into sex cults?”

The Catholics in the audience shuffled their feet.

“And don’t even get me started on Evangelicals. They’re giving the Catholic priests a run for their money in the sex crimes department. Every day there’s a youth pastor or preacher getting arrested for sex crimes. Yet they think they’re better than the Catholics because they read the Bible for themselves. News flash: the Bible does NOT mean whatever you want it to mean! And I’m going to go ahead and give a spoiler alert, and say that the New Testament is a fraud. All the Gospels were written decades after I lived, they were written pseudonymously by people other than the illiterate Apostles they claim to be written by, they’re wildly inconsistent, and, if you read them in order, My alleged Christology is exaggerated to the point where the portrait of Me in the Gospel of Mark wouldn’t recognize at all the portrait of Me in the Gospel of John, and Acts, and all of Paul’s letters. Oh, and if you read Paul’s letters in the original Greek, which virtually none of you do, it’s obvious that half of Paul’s letters were written by a completely different person with a different level of education and linguistic style than the other half. Plus, you know who didn’t have anything to do with the New Testament? ME! I’m Jewish, and was living according to the OLD Testament. Seriously, Evangelicals need to stop pretending the New Testament cancels out the Old Testament, and that the Bible means whatever you personally interpret it to mean. It’s an idiotic way to approach a document thousands of years old that was written and originally understood in entirely different historical, sociological, and ideological contexts than most contemporary Americans in the year 2023 are capable of critically examining. And Christians in America are really going off the rails with this persecution complex a lot of you are suffering from. You think it’s persecution because the federal government of a multicultural democracy says you can’t force everyone else to abide by your deranged, fundamentalist, and legalistic interpretation of the New Testament? Maybe Me and God should bring back REAL persecution to teach you all a lesson. Maybe we’ll let a few of America’s dumbest Christians get eaten alive by lions, and then see if Evangelical fundamentalists still think they’re being persecuted by watching a movie with a few gay characters in it. And, for the record, Donald Trump was a test by Me for all of you Evangelicals, and you failed. Epically. You guys fell for the Antichrist, way to go. You know who didn’t fall for Donald Trump? Black churches. All you white Evangelicals who are racist — and I know who every one of you is — can think about that while you burn in Hell for a bit. Just kidding! You know what I never went around talking about, except in the vaguest, most Greco-Roman Underworld kind of way? Hell! The idea that God just allows His supreme enemy Satan to exist and torture people forever who He allegedly loves and always forgives makes literally no sense logically or rationally. But maybe Me and God will make it exist for all these racist white churches! You know what? From now on, the Kingdom of Heaven is Blacks only! Whites need not apply. Ha! You like that? Do you? F***ing racist gentiles! And can someone please explain to me what all this Christian rock nonsense is about? You Christian rockers don’t need Me to save your souls as much as you need Me to save your musical taste! It disgusts me! And what’s with all the Christmas stuff? All those Christmas trees, holly, wreaths, caroling, and gift-giving are all from the Pagans! Did I ever suggest that economically secure families should spend hundreds of dollars on gifts every year for their douchey little kids? No! I said to give it all to the poor and homeless! F*ck!”

The Evangelicals in the audience started to tear up.

“I swear to Me,” Jesus said. “Oh, and by the way, evolution is real, so quit it with creationism. It’s like you idiots don’t believe Me and God are capable of coming up with natural selection. You think We’re too dumb to design a self-sustaining system of biology? Is that it? Some reverent children you are. And let’s get one thing straight: I never rode a Godd*mn dinosaur! If Romans were going around riding dinosaurs, don’t you think they’d be drawn on temples, vases, and mosaics? There sure are a bunch of erect dicks everywhere on those vases, but I don’t see any f*cking dinosaurs! Christians just don’t use their brains anymore. And for real, start doing Jewish stuff or Me and God will send down more pestilence and plagues. Think We won’t? Try Us! Do Jewish stuff, or suffer the consequences from now on! So no more shaking hands with women who are on the rag! They need to get up on the roof of their houses and stay there reflecting on their filth until seven days are up, and then only come down once they’ve burned a couple turtledoves in offering to Me and God. One as a sin-offering acknowledging your terrestrial putrefaction, and the second as a burnt offering to honor Me and God’s Heavenly magnificence. The two turtledove sacrifices are both individually very, very important to Me and God. There’s literally nothing more important than sacrificing thousands and thousands of turtledoves to God ever year. That’s why He f*cking included it in the Old Testament, and Jews did it for millennia! And if menstruating women don’t stop going into churches and holy places for the full seven days we demanded, you’re all going to really regret it. Trust Me on this one. Oh, and quit it with the polyester clothing, that wasn’t a f*cking suggestion!”