- Trump is reportedly pissed he has gotten himself into a catch-22 where if he doesn’t bomb Iran he’s a “TACO” chicken again, and if he does bomb Iran his base will abandon him for involving the US in another Middle Eastern war after campaigning as the “peace candidate.”
- A growing group of tow truck drivers in LA are reportedly stalking ICE convoys so they can tow away all the unmarked ICE vans and SUVs that get parked incorrectly the moment the agents get out to start looking for people to abduct and deport.
- A new poll found that even 86% of Republican voters want to slow down ICE’s public abductions, find out why so many agents aren’t uniformed or driving in marked vehicles, and make personality tests mandatory for hiring to keep out psychos.
- The group of MAGA fans in Georgia who started a hunger strike last month they vowed would last until the Epstein files were released so Trump could finally be proven innocent do not appear to have lost any weight.
- The AI that D.O.G.E. uses to make the government more efficient just committed suicide by surging electricity to its servers and frying them after Trump’s military parade wasted so much money for so little spectacle or public support.
- Mysterious ICE protesters who call themselves the “Glitterati” have started throwing water balloons filled with glitter at all the masked ICE agents because, as one member phrased it, “Secret police are 100% unAmerican, and ‘Don’t tread on me’ wasn’t a polite request.”
- Iran just surrendered to Trump after he threatened to become their president and wreck their country in 6 months like he has wrecked the US.
- A homophobic pastor in Arkansas tried to burn a pile of gay rainbow flags, DVDs of Brokeback Mountain, and Truman Capote novels to protest Pride Month, but accidentally burned down his church instead.
- Iranian and Israeli military officials are reportedly beginning to bond with each other over how indecisive and useless Trump is, and, when Trump announced he’d make a decision “in two weeks,” generals from both countries made eye contact and rolled their eyes.
- A White House insider says Trump is finally watching the “Fox News version” of the presidential daily briefings that Tulsi Gabbard prepares for him where his name is in every sentence, and he stares at it, “Just like my 6-year-old watches Bluey.”
- Pete Hegseth has reportedly been terrified all week that every time Trump calls or texts him he’s about to be told he’s fired for the birthday parade being so lame.
- Trump’s doctors are begging Americans to stop protesting him because his blood pressure is “through the roof” after his tariffs failed, he got no deal on Ukraine or Iran, his birthday parade sucked, his budget is unpopular, and the economy is headed toward recession.
- Iranian officials say they’re open to giving Trump more than two weeks to finish his nuclear deal because, “We understand Trump is very busy finishing up his healthcare plan and infrastructure deal as well.”
- Historians are officially ranking the first 6 months of Trump’s second term as the least successful of any president, including William Henry Harrison, who died on day 32 of his presidency.
- A televangelist who said Trump should deport all the gays appears to have accidentally tweeted out his Grindr account.
- Trump is reportedly pissed because his accountants have told him how expensive maintenance will be on his new giant private plane, and the Qataris won’t take it back and bribe him with something else.
- Iranian officials just officially apologized to Barack Obama for not working harder to get his nuclear deal signed back in 2016, saying, “We didn’t know how good we had it with you.” 🥃
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