The Man Who Remembers Everything He Ever Ate

[The two hosts of a morning show, TOM and KAREN interview “Memory Man” HAROLD, who is wearing a trench coat and looks like an anti-social creep.]

TOM: Hello, America, welcome to KPYW, Cincinnati Morning News! Today we have a special interview with a man name Harold Gertz, who claims he has an amazing photographic memory.

KAREN: He says he can remember everything he has ever eaten in his entire life, and he has kept a food diary recording every meal he has eaten going back to when he was 8 years old to prove it.

TOM: So we brought him on the morning show to quiz him, and see if his memory is for real! Hello, Harold, welcome to KPYW Morning News!

HAROLD: [Walking onstage] It’s an honor to be here. Long time viewer, first time guest.

TOM: Oh, perfect, we love it when our guests are fans of the show.

KAREN: So what made you decide to keep the food journal, Harold?

HAROLD: Well, at school none of the other kids would ever believe me that I had such a detailed memory. So I started writing all my meals down to prove it. And I kind of just never stopped.

KAREN: Well, let’s see for ourselves if you proved those kids wrong.

TOM: Alright, Harold, I’m going to throw out a date, and you’re going to tell us what you ate that day, and we’re going to have Karen look through your journal to fact-check you. Ready for the first one?

HAROLD: Yes I am.

TOM: Okay, here we go. And for everyone at home, I’m picking out the dates I’ll ask Harold on the spot. There has been absolutely no pre-planning, and we have ensured in studio there is no possible way for Harold to cheat. Karen, let’s flip to March 5th, 1991. Harold, what did you eat for breakfast on March 5th, 1991?

HAROLD: Ah, yes. A very delicious breakfast of yogurt topped with sauerkraut, bbq sauce, and leftover liver and onions from the dinner the previous night. And a cup of warm milk.

TOM: I gotta be honest, Harold, that’s a rather unconventional breakfast.

HAROLD: When one remembers every food and flavor they’ve ever eaten like I can, you try to mix things up and find novelty for your culinary experiences.

TOM: Well, I guess that’s logical. Karen, is he correct?

KAREN: Yes, he is, Tom. Says right here on March 5th, 1991, “Yogurt and sauerkraut topped with leftover liver and onion from last night’s dinner drizzled with bbq sauce. Cup of warm milk.”

TOM: Well done, Harold. Alright let’s try another date. How about Easter Sunday, let’s say from 2003?

HAROLD: That particular Easter was just a few months after The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers came out, and people who saw the movie might remember a particular scene in which the character Gollum catches some rabbits, and insists the best way to eat rabbit is not in a stew, but raw. It intrigued me immensely, so I thought I’d give it a try.

TOM: I remember seeing that movie, but it did not at all inspire me in the same way. Uh, Karen, is raw rabbit correct?

KAREN: Unfortunately, yes. And another cup of warm milk.

TOM: Well, Harold, I don’t know whether to call you brave or crazy. Let’s see if we can find a more normal meal somewhere in your diary. How about… let’s go with October 29th of… 2013.

HAROLD: Possum I found on the street with a sweet and sour sauce I made myself with puréed maggots I scraped from the insides of the carcass. And a tall glass of warm milk.

TOM: Aw, Christ. Karen?

KAREN: [Nods her head with a squeamish face.]

HAROLD: You know what they say, once you go raw, you never go back.

KAREN: No one says that, Harold.

HAROLD: It’s also a great money-saving life hack to do your grocery shopping, so to speak, on the side of the road.

TOM: Harold, I regret deeply not vetting your food diary before bringing you on. This is a morning show, and the good people of Cincinnati are eating breakfast as they watch this segment. Folks at home, I apologize if you’ve lost your appetite. I’ve never said this before in the history of the show, but I understand if you want to change the channel away from KPYW.

[KAREN, in the background, flips to trough the diary with an increasingly alarmed look on her face.]

TOM: Do we want to know what you ate on January 28th, 2019?

HAROLD: Sometimes my insatiable hunger for novel foods alarms even myself.

KAREN: It just says “Little Timmy from next door,” luau-style.

TOM: Please tell me that’s some kind of sick joke, Harold, and you didn’t really eat a boy.

HAROLD: Please ask me what I’m going to eat today.

TOM: Did you eat your neighbors’ kid, Harold?

HAROLD: Ask me!

TOM: What disturbing, grotesque meal are you going to eat today, Harold?

HAROLD: Miss Karen, please turn to today’s entry.

[KAREN flips to the entry, and gasps.]

KAREN: It says, “Tom, the host of the KPYW Morning News!”

[Harold lunges at TOM and bites his neck spraying blood everywhere, and TOM screams.]

HAROLD: Go on, Karen…

KAREN [Terrified] …And his delicious looking co-host Karen for dessert!

HAROLD: And…?!

KAREN: [Crying.] …Warm milk!

[Holding a glass of milk, HAROLD takes a sip and gets milk in his mustache which mixes with Tom’s blood sprayed on his face, and then laughs maniacally. He sets the milk down, smiles, and, as credits roll, KAREN screams.] 🥃

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