Local Christian Is Oblivious His Christmas Tree Is Pagan

Local Evangelical Chris Bradshaw is now a three-time winner of his neighborhood’s annual Christmas Tree Competition for “Best-In-Show,” and he spent the morning looking at his tree making small adjustments to the colored light strands to improve the tree’s glow.

On his mantle above the Bradshaw family fireplace were three consecutive Christmas tree trophies.

“I just love how Christian our Christmas traditions are, and how they’re totally reverent to God, Jesus, the Virgin Mary, Joseph, the Three Wise Men, and of Christianity in general,” Bradshaw explained. “Yep, there is certainly nothing pagan about Christmas trees. Nothing pagan at all! There’s just no way the symbolism of contemporary Christians bringing a giant tree into the house had anything to do with, say, ancient Egyptians using palms to worship Ra. And it doesn’t bear any resemblance to the ancient Romans using fir trees to celebrate Saturnalia. And Christmas trees are the furthest thing from all the pagan Scandinavian Vikings in the single-digit centuries worshipping Thor and their other deities via massive oak trees — no way!”

Bradshaw dusted off a little dust from one of his trophies for a moment before continuing.

“Christmas trees are an original Christian concept. Definitely not some kind of casual adoption of eternal ancient rituals revolving around the end of the farming season near the day of winter solstice appropriated into Christianity to more easily convert pagans with comfortable and familiar numinous customs with which pagans around the world across many different cultures and societies were already worshipping. No siree! And I’m sure the whole tradition of gift-giving has nothing to do with the Roman custom of giving gifts during the peak of their December holiday season, or the gift-giving of the Germanic tribes north of the Roman Empire. In fact, I bet the character of Santa Claus and his original eight reindeer that Rudolph gets added to have no pagan predecessor either. Nope, definitely no relation to the Norse god Odin, who dispensed gifts to children on his eight-legged horse Sleipnir, and who the children would leave out carrots and hay for in their boots left out in front of the chimney in exchange for candy.”

Bradshaw folded his arms across his chest.

“And I don’t believe for a second that all the Christmas carols have their roots in traditions of singing for and with one’s neighbors that go beyond recorded history, and include the tradition of villagers trekking into nearby forests singing to wake up the sleeping trees and induce the coming of spring and a bountiful harvest for the next year. I bet the evolution of contemporary Christmas carols developed unrelated to the Anglo-Saxon tradition of trekking from house to house wassailing, and exchanging gulps of alcoholic drinks for money.”

Bradshaw adjusted an ornament in his tree.

“And who doesn’t love putting up mistletoe in the house? There’s no way mistletoe was a familiar plant with great significance for peace and love in the pre-Christian world ranging from Rome all the way to the Celts and Norse druids. And always make sure to put up holly and wreaths on all your doors. There’s no way that’s a custom that was appropriated from Rome’s Saturnalia!”

He sat down on his sofa.

“And all the Christmas iconography we’re so nostalgic for today isn’t, if you think about it, that closely sourced from Charles Dickens’s fictional A Christmas Carol, and famous works by Clement Clark and Washington Irving. And even the idea And the fat, white haired and bearded Santa dressed in all red has definitely not caught on from successful, secular corporate advertising and seasonal marketing campaigns from companies like Coca-Cola and JC Penny capitalistically innovating how to appropriate religious sentiments to manufacture economically profitable nostalgia and culturally pressure us to spend a lot of money buying a bunch of various products for ourselves and our families and friends for the holidays!”

He leaned back self-satisfied.

“And I will never believe for a second that lots of Biblically contemporary and even earlier cultures and religious cults detailed cosmically miraculous, prophesied virgin births. Only Christianity! Yep, Christmas must be the most original holiday ever invented, untainted and unvarnished by any and all pagan influences. Totally sui generis! Now, if you’ll excuse me, me and my family are going to go eat a yule log. I don’t know where the word ‘yule’ comes from, but I’m sure it wasn’t pagan at all, and it definitely is derived from some custom native solely to the United States of America!”

Congratulations on another award-winning Christmas tree, Chris.

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