13 Serious Political Thoughts From A Satirist

Happy holidays to all my readers — whichever December solstice-oriented holiday you celebrate! The news never stops so I’ve got some thoughts you might enjoy on a mid-Christmas Internet scroll in between opening presents, eating, and family cheer!

It’s funny how the Trump Administration is arguing inflation is all gone and not a problem, but the worsening economic pain is because of Biden… kind of like a political version of Schrödinger’s Cat where inflation does and doesn’t exist depending on how you observe it and who you want to blame for it.
Do you think Matt Gaetz, Trump’s first pick for attorney general, is pissed watching Pam Bondi fumble the Epstein Files so badly. “Coach should have put me in!” he’s probably telling strangers he meets in public. Do you think he would have been better at concealing these documents than Pam Bondi, or worse? He’s such an asshole I’d bet in this counterfactual he’d have been worse because of how many other Republicans hate him. I think Pam Bondi has been given many more benefits of the doubt than Gaetz would have been given.
It’s also relevant to note that Gaetz was a participant in sex trafficking himself, and I think when the dam breaks and everything eventually gets revealed, we’ll find out that MANY more people Trump has brought into his administration were involved in the sex-trafficking than we currently suspect. People like Alex Acosta and Bill Barr from his first term had very suspicious Epstein connections, and Pam Bondi in this second term was Florida Attorney General during much of Epstein’s criming.
These slowly trickling out Epstein Files references to Trump’s potential involvement in prostitute parties, his close personal and business relationships with other notorious sex-traffickers, and allegations of past rapes, abortions, and even murders are starting to make me suspect Trump might be the real sex-trafficking ringleader above Epstein. Trump has way giant real estate connections than Epstein. Trump has long had political ambitions that Epstein hasn’t had, with Trump proposing himself to be George H. W. Bush’s VP in 1988, and running in 2000 for the Reform Party’s nomination for which blackmail against politicians (or the entire Republican Party) would be extremely convenient. Epstein never had a massive tower like Trump Tower in NYC that earned all kinds of allegations that foreign oligarchs were laundering money and running illegal operations from there. Also, Epstein himself has described Trump as dangerous and the worst person he knows. It’s certainly something to consider that maybe Trump and his DOJ in both his terms have carefully arranged a setup for Epstein to be the fall guy.
What do you think the odds are that Mike Johnson finishes 2026 as Speaker of the House? I’m thinking Johnson has a 33% chance of completing another year. Trump obviously approves of him because he’s an entirely pliant, empty vessel who will do whatever he’s told—like stonewalling bills to release the Epstein Files, and refusing to swear in an elected representative who will sign a discharge petition to release the Epstein Files—and Johnson has no apparent personal ambition to make any mark on the history of this country despite the incredible power and prestige of the job. No doubt Trump likes how Johnson doesn’t take any attention away from him, and is utterly spineless when it comes to legislative checks and balances on the executive branch… and obviously oversight as well. So he’s probably safe from Trump writing a Truth Social post demanding his MAGA sycophants oust him, unless…
I wouldn’t put it past Trump to force his biggest House bootlickers to oust Johnson in the event that the Epstein Files cover up blows wide open, and public pressure to impeach and remove the pedophile-in-chief reaches a fever pitch. If there’s no Speaker, and the House is essentially shut down, they can’t impeach him.
The most immediate risk for Johnson’s speakership, however, is his caucus revolting against him. The women in Congress are particularly pissed at him, and the rest of the GOP caucus are pissed that Republicans have had a trifecta of government for a full year, and almost nothing to show for it except a terrible budget that fucked over most Americans in some capacity that will surely hurt them in the upcoming midterms. And, of course, they exploded the deficit and added to the debt for tax cuts for already incredibly wealthy people. The GOP caucus is so divided and fractured along so many lines—including tariffs, NATO, Israel, Russia, the Epstein Files, Obamacare subsidies, and government spending in general—that tax cuts for the rich are really the only policy on which they’re still united.
There’s rumblings already from some members to oust Johnson. Marjorie Taylor Greene is reportedly gauging interest on her way out, though most Republicans know it would be a disaster for the party. Kevin McCarthy needed 15 rounds of voting to become Speaker, and Johnson himself was an extreme dark horse selection after weeks of party infighting that saw three other frontrunners fail to secure a majority. But, because Republicans are so dysfunctional, the House rules Johnson was forced to agree to do not require very many members to force him out.
With so many Republicans considering early retirements, Johnson’s thinnest of majorities will get even thinner until special elections can replace them, and GOP members themselves will have to strategize the timing of their retirements and hope none of their caucus’s most elderly members have an untimely death that would flip majority control over to the Democrats. That would be such a hilarious thing to happen, and Republicans really karmically deserve it.
The Larry Nassar letter from Epstein is pretty weird, isn’t it? But it’s heartening how many liberals online I’ve seen warning everyone to withhold judgement on that because it might be fake, and there’s apparently an FBI handwriting assessment that hasn’t been revealed and is possibly being hidden. That kind of rational restraint on the unfolding scandal is something you don’t see on the Right. Good job, liberals!
I’d like to briefly note that it’s pretty nearsighted of CBS head Bari Weiss to launder fascism for the benefit of a political movement that conspicuously hates women, lesbians, and Jews. She’s wrecking the journalistic integrity of a legacy institution for a partisan hacks and zealots who won’t think twice about throwing her overboard at the first convenience. I’m awaiting CBS saying they’re spiking a story about the Holocaust or some other history of Nazi crimes because Hitler, Goebbels, and Himmler aren’t around to give their side of the story. What a “fuck you” to the reporters and fact-checkers at CBS, and a betrayal of every journalistic ideal. Also, how many more people need to personally learn the ETTD Rick Wilson adage that everything Trump touches dies?
It’s kind of funny what rabid partisan hacks Lauren Boebert, Marjorie Taylor Greene, and Nancy Mace have been for years, yet they were the ones who bucked Trump on the Epstein Files. Thank you, ladies. I’d even suggest they be included in the list of profiles in courage. They’re still crazy in so many other ways, but I like to give props where props are due. Especially because Boebert revealed she was brought into the Situation Room and intimidated to change her vote. Who knows what phone calls and conversations with Trump brown-nosers they probably had with a wide variety of begging, bribes, and threats. When Nancy Mace called me retarded on Twitter last month (one of my top highlights of 2025) she said Trump hadn’t done any of that to her. If she’s telling the truth, it’s funny to think that even Trump knows Mace is a nutcase not worth talking to.
I can’t help but bring it up again how wild it is to think about how pathetic Johnson is in one of the most powerful positions in human history. Third in line for the presidency, and he has the power of the purse of the nation, yet you know he’ll inevitably be unceremoniously dumped at a moment over which he has no control, whether it’s thanks to Trump’s convenience or the GOP caucus rebelling against his utterly inconsequential leadership. Kevin McCarthy was an idiot, but at least he loved being Speaker of the House and exerted some inertia for policies he wanted, despite how brief and neutered his tenure was. Johnson is purely a placeholder. 🥃

☕️ If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published two books for you: Satire In The Trump Years, and Satire In The Biden Years. Or, better yet, request your local library order a copy on their website.

I’ve also published three existentialist poetry books, Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, and Hotel Golden Hours available in print and on Kindle.

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