Donald Trump has reportedly filed lawsuits against each of his grandchildren for leaking details of his personal life to teachers, classmates, and sports coaches.
As soon as they started making babbling sounds as infants, Trump reportedly put a pen in their tiny hands and forced them to sign all-inclusive nondisclosure agreements. He also reportedly gave them each $5 in hush money at the time of signing, which some legal analysts suspect is fraudulently low for the strictness and length of the agreement.
The following are details of Trump’s private life that his grandchildren have let slip in various public situations:
- “Grandpa is scary without his hair and makeup done.”
- “I technically have three grandmas, and I’ve heard Grandpa say bad things about all of them! He says he’s way past due for a 4th grandma!”
- “Grandpa sure is mean to Daddy.” (Eric)
- “Why does Grandpa call Daddy a ‘f***ing mistake’ every day? What did Daddy do?” (Don Jr.)
- “Grandpa must really like sugar a lot because he’s always snorting it up his nose. His favorite is blue sugar.”
- “One time, Grandpa’s teeth fell out, and I took them and hid them, and he got very angry and hit Daddy a lot!” (Eric)
- “Grandpa calls himself a ‘babe magnet,’ but I always see women running away from him, not toward him!”
- “Is Grandpa okay? I learned about jaundice at school, which turns people’s skin yellow, but Grandpa’s skin is a bright orange. Is he going to be okay?”
- “I’m not going to fetch Grandpa any more Diet Cokes until he pays me. He says he’ll give me a dollar for each can I deliver to him, but he never pays! He owes me at least $20 by now, but only ever says he’ll pay me in two weeks.”
- “Grandpa said his next girlfriend will be my age!” (15)
- “Grandpa asked to borrow my middle school yearbook, and, when he returned it, I saw that he circled a bunch of the pretty girls’ pictures and wrote notes above them that said things like ‘invite her to your next birthday party.’”
- “Why do Grandpa’s friends all look like scary, vampires?” (Rudy Giuliani and Stephen Miller)
- “Why do all the women who come to Grandpa’s events at Mar-a-Lago have faces that look weird and uncomfortable when they smile?”
- “Grandpa doesn’t let Daddy eat until Grandpa’s already full, and all the food is cold!” (Don Jr.)
- “When is Grandpa going to be potty-trained? I thought people stopped using diapers when they were still kids.”
- “We read ‘The Emperor’s New Clothes’ story in school, and for some reason it reminded me a lot of Grandpa and the people who hang around him at Mar-a-Lago.”
- “I’ve picked up a little Slovenian from being around uncle Barron and Grandma Melania, and the word they call Grandpa means ‘Mushroom ogre.’”
- “I once caught Grandpa stealing from my piggy bank, and, when I asked him why, he said I owed him money for using the Trump name and freeloading on his brand.”
- “I saw Grandpa cheat while golfing, and he told me if I told anyone he’d sue me for $5 billion.”
- “Grandpa calls Daddy a ‘globalist’ a lot. What does that mean?” (Jared Kushner)
- “Isn’t the number of our family members who Grandpa gives political jobs nepotism?”
- “Grandpa has more tantrums than my baby brother. And throws his food off the table way more.”
- “Grandpa only remembers Aunt Ivanka’s kids’ names, and says he wishes he could have been in her womb too.”
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