Breitbart Editor Realizes Liberals Can’t Be Both SafeSpace Snowflakes AND Antifa Terrorists, Quits

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Los Angeles, CA—

Breitbart News editor Sammy Wilkerson recently had an epiphany that inspired him to quit his job as a news editor of Breitbart.

“I was sitting at work editing articles from our staff writers, removing all the caps-locked sentences, superfluous exclamation points, racial slurs, and obviously made up facts—you know, the usual stuff editors have to do at all news companies—and I had before me two articles in a row that—even though they were both routine Breitbart perspectives—I suddenly realized were completely paradoxical,” Wilkerson said.

The epiphany made Wilkerson stop what he was doing and reconsider the journalistic integrity of Breitbart.

“The first article was a typical piece about how all liberals are snowflake babies who are afraid of guns and self-defense, and who need safe spaces because they’re such weak and frail flower-children with loser ideas that conservatives shouldn’t be dicks to minority ethnicities even though brown people know how to do those cool handshakes and can distinguish whether it’s going to be a knuckle-to-knuckle fist bump thing or an open palm slap-finger hook kind of thing—wait what was I talking about?”

The Halfway Post reporter reminded him.

“Oh, yeah. And the second article I had to edit was about how all liberals are tyrannical Antifa terrorists who are strong-arming conservatives out of the liberal democracy discussion by not being tolerant toward our Alternative-Right ideas that we shouldn’t be tolerant of brown people and independent women. The piece went into detail how liberals are ferociously trying to enslave conservatives and physically ban them from having any original thoughts whatsoever with ceaseless intimidation and overwhelming oppression. Then it hit me that both these takes on contemporary liberalism couldn’t be accurate because they were completely contradictory!”

The realization that the Alt-Right continues to push polarized, irreconcilable concepts of liberals made Wilkerson rethink a lot about the content Breitbart News regularly publishes.

“I realized that for all the fake news allegations coming out of Breitbart News, Breitbart was the fakest of the fake. It’s like the Alt-Right’s ideology has no basis in fact or a rational interpretation of reality. That the Alt-Right’s narrative about liberalism in America can shift so completely from one Breitbart article to another between liberals being snowflakes unable to cope in 21st Century life with an insatiable victim-complex to liberals being strong, cruel and terrifying oppressors of Alt-Right nationalists was all the proof I needed to understand that Breitbart is just straight up full of shit.”

Wilkerson cleaned out his desk and quit Breitbart News before the day was up.

The Halfway Post wishes Wilkerson luck in his future endeavors free from the toxic, bitchy environment of Breitbart News.

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