Breitbart Editor Realizes Liberals Can’t Be Both SafeSpace Snowflakes AND Antifa Terrorists, Quits


Los Angeles, CA—

Breitbart News editor Sammy Wilkerson recently had an epiphany that inspired him to quit his job as a news editor of Breitbart.

“I was sitting at work editing articles from our staff writers, removing all the caps-locked sentences, superfluous exclamation points, racial slurs, and obviously made up facts—you know, the usual stuff editors have to do at all news companies—and I had before me two articles in a row that—even though they were both routine Breitbart perspectives—I suddenly realized were completely paradoxical,” Wilkerson said.

The epiphany made Wilkerson stop what he was doing and reconsider the journalistic integrity of Breitbart.

“The first article was a typical article about how all liberals are snowflake babies who are afraid of guns and self-defense, and who need safe spaces because they are incapable of coming face to face with a new opinion, and how liberals are ruining American society by suffocating Americans with political correctness and tolerance and the flower child idea that conservatives shouldn’t be dicks to other ethnicities just because we are insecure around them at parties cause they’re suave and cool and know how to do those fun handshakes and distinguish whether it’s going to be a knuckle-to-knuckle fist bump thing or an open palm slap-finger hook kind of thing—wait what was I talking about?”

The Halfway Post reporter reminded him.

“Oh, yeah. And the second article I had to edit was about how all liberals are tyrannical Antifa terrorists who are strong-arming conservatives out of the liberal democracy discussion by not being tolerant toward our Alternative-Right ideas that there shouldn’t be tolerance for different religions or brown people living here or tolerance for independent women, and how liberals are all grabbing weapons and going into the streets ready to fight us innocent Internet trolls just because we finally found friend groups who acknowledge that our problems with getting laid aren’t our fault at all but the fault of feminazis, immigrants sleeping with white women, and the Republican cuckservatives in Congress who allow any immigration at all to happen.”

The realization that the Alt-Right continues to push polarized, irreconcilable concepts of liberals made Wilkerson rethink a lot about the content Breitbart News regularly publishes.

“I realized that for all the fake news allegations coming out of Breitbart News, Breitbart was the fakest of the fake news. It’s like the Alt-Right’s sense of populism is entirely superficial and fake, and that Alt-Right ideology has no basis in fact or a rational interpretation of American politics. That the Alt-Right’s narrative about liberalism in America can shift so completely in an hour between liberals being snowflakes unable to cope in 21st Century life with an insatiable victim-complex to liberals being strong, cruel and terrifying oppressors of Alt-Right nationalists was all the proof I needed to understand that Breitbart is just straight up full of shit.”

Wilkerson cleaned out his desk and quit Breitbart News before the day was up.

The Halfway Post wishes Wilkerson luck in his future endeavors free from the toxic, bitchy environment of Breitbart News.

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