Miami, FL—
According to financial statements, Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump have already largely squandered the unprecedented $2 billion investment fund the Saudi government has given Kushner to invest.
“Though this would be much funnier if the implications of the Saudi fund weren’t so spectacularly corrupt given Jared’s foreign policy efforts while nepotistically working for his father-in-law,” explained a financial partner of Jared who requested anonymity, “but it’s still hilarious. Honestly, it has been painful to listen to Jared tell me all about these comically and absurdly bad investment schemes. This might be the most stunning display of financial incompetence in American history.”
The following are bad investment deals that Jared Kushner has pursued over the last year:
- A line of dolls called “Ivanka” intended to compete with Barbie that featured several “Girl Boss” themes, but they were only sold as blonde and white skinned
- A women’s spa built in Kiev, Ukraine, regrettably called “Russian Princess”
- An untimely printed Ivanka-branded line of Afghan reading books featuring the stories of brave and famous women
- 50% ownership of a luxury yacht co-owned by a now-sanctioned Russian oligarch that was impounded in Gibraltar
- A series of plastic surgeries for Jared’s face that have not and cannot fix the “cursed doll” look he has already sculpted for himself
- An elective throat surgery for Jared to try and make his voice deeper and less squeaky
- An Ivanka-branded line of beheading swords in Saudi Arabia that were described by the highest circulation Saudi torture trade magazine, “Executioner Weekly,” as “cheap quality with a worthless blood gutter and just not fun to use” and earned a low rating of “2 decapitated heads out of 5”
- An N95 mask distribution company selling masks that Jared hoarded for himself while negligently organizing the COVID response effort in early 2020 that turned out to be cheap knockoffs with no medical grade value whatsoever
- The establishment of a new charity foundation in Florida that got literally zero donations on account of the Trump family’s shady history with foundations
- A winery they let Eric manage, who quickly ran it into the ground because all his children’s cancer charity clients no longer wanted to be associated with him
- A private investigation firm Jared funded for his dad to help rich clients hire prostitutes to sleep with family members for blackmail and obstruction of justice purposes
- An exploratory committee for an Ivanka 2028 presidential campaign that found she essentially has 3% support from MAGA fans because she’s a woman and a “globalist”
- The hiring of several fake paparazzis to follow them around wherever they go in Florida to pretend people love them and want to see photos of them in magazines
- A series of fines and lawyer fees to pay off various criminal charges Ivanka has received due to several arrests for public urination and defecation
- Buying another massive building in Manhattan for a price much higher than the profits it could possibly earn them would justify
- A $20 donation to a lemonade stand Barron Trump runs at Mar-a-Lago that is the only profitable legal business venture by a Trump since 1987
- Ivanka and Jared also can’t account for a loss of about $150,000 they suspect was stolen from them by Don Jr. for whatever drugs he does that give him a stuffy nose and bright red, glassy eyes every time he films a video for his social media accounts
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