After news broke that Senator Ted Cruz soft-launching his 2028 presidential campaign this week, I called up God in a FaceTime to see what He thought about Ted Cruz.
[The following is our phone conversation, lightly edited for clarity.]
I asked, “Hey, God, I know You’ve been clear about this in the past, but just checking in, is Ted Cruz still the biggest asshole in the world?”
God replied, “Oh, yeah! The entire universe! If I may brag for a moment, Ted Cruz is My favorite creation of all time. I love to watch Ted Cruz in action being a total douche. I crammed that guy so full of arrogant ignorance that I have to personally be intervening at all times to stop him from spontaneously combusting like an atom bomb of mega douchery.”
God lit up a cigar before continuing.
“Wanna know a secret? The guy watches squirrel porn. Like incessantly. I’m omniscient so I know every time he goes to AcornHub and watches low quality, extremely amateur videos of squirrels going at it. But he’s great entertainment. It’s like when you paint something you’re really proud of, and you can just stare at it and admire it for hours. Ted Cruz is a spectacular, magnificent piece of shit.”
God took a long puff of His cigar.
“Actually, in a galaxy on the other side of the universe I made a whole planet of Ted Cruzes. I didn’t supply their world with any plants or animals so they have to fight to the death and eat each other every day. And the victorious ones have to asexually birth out new Ted Cruzes out of their anuses to fight and eat the next day.”
God chuckled.
“But, as you can imagine, passing a Ted Cruz through a Ted Cruz sphincter is pretty messy business, and their anuses usually tear in the birthing process, so the father Ted Cruzes start bleeding everywhere, which attracts predator Ted Cruzes, who have evolved incredibly impressive olfactory organs that can smell blood from up to forty miles away. Because baby Ted Cruzes are at such risk of predators, they must gestate pretty fully in their Ted Cruz fathers’ large intestines so that right at birth they are capable of running away. Ted Cruzes are such douches that even the baby Ted Cruzes are essentially evolved to instinctively incapacitate their fathers so that nearby predator Ted Cruzes fill up on the fathers before chasing after the babies. Nature can be so sublimely douchey, can’t it?”
God cracked open a can of Miller Lite.
“But the Ted Cruz planet is my favorite planet in the entire universe. I love the Ted Cruz planet even more than Boob Planet, which is about what it sounds like. I love watching Ted Cruzes strangle each other, and bite each others’ fingers and ears off. It never gets old. It’s a majestic sight to see whole herds of feral Ted Cruzes gnawing on each other’s bones, and wearing each other’s faces as war masks, and smearing each other’s blood on their bodies as war paint, and sleeping in each other’s hollowed out bodies for warmth at night, and wearing elaborate jewelry pieces of each other’s teeth, and wearing clothes made of each other’s dried out and stretched skin, and decorating the entrances of their cave homes with each other’s skulls. What douches. I wish you could see it. Actually, you know what? You, like everyone else with good taste, hate Ted Cruz so I think you’ll really get a kick out of it. I’ll show you!”
At this point, God teleported me to the planet of Ted Cruzes, gave me a Miller Lite, and I watched millions of them fighting free-for-all battles to the death. Ted Cruz body parts and brain matter were splattered everywhere, and rivers of Ted Cruz blood flowing for millennia had carved the geography of the planet into massive, red-stained canyon systems.
Different subgroups of Ted Cruzes had evolved to take advantage of various environmental niches, with some Ted Cruzes being ferocious predators favoring the taste of fresh Ted Cruz flesh, while other meek Ted Cruzes, whose eyes had adapted to be on the sides of their head like prey to scan the horizon and flee at the first sign of danger, were merely scavengers picking at leftover Ted Cruz carcasses left behind by the bigger predator Ted Cruzes.
There were parasitic Ted Cruzes that were little and would latch on to other Ted Cruzes and suck their blood, and other Ted Cruzes only ate specific organs. One surprisingly social species of Ted Cruz lived in small groups, and sucked each other off sexually dozens of times a day for their nutrients, as well as for social bonding. One more peculiar Ted Cruz species only liked to eat Ted Cruz hair, and would spend hours hacking up hairballs and then re-swallowing over and over as their digestive system slowly extracted the nutrients.
Another fascinating subgroup of Ted Cruzes filled the niche dung beetles fill here on Earth walking around rolling balls of Ted Cruz dung six feet in diameter taking bites out of them every few meters. Just like there are more species of beetle than any other animal on Earth, there are more species of the dung eating Ted Cruzes than any other type of Ted Cruz.
The most technologically advanced Ted Cruzes had entered the Bone Age, and had learned to make spear and knife weapons out of sharpened Ted Cruz ribs, femurs, tibias, and fibulas. Occasionally, a particularly clever Ted Cruz would craft a primitive trebuchet with bones and rope made of Ted Cruz tendons and ligaments, and collect decapitated Ted Cruz heads to launch at unsuspecting Ted Cruzes from quite a safe distance.
The sublime douchery of it all brought a tear to my eye, and I thanked God for showing me the most majestic assholery in the entire universe.
Then God announced that He was currently working on a planet of JD Vances, but was having trouble programming their behavior to stop sticking their genitals in pieces of furniture. 🥃
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The Halfway Post 