McDonald’s Was Given Honorary Membership To ANTIFA For Clogging Trump’s Arteries.

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McDonald’s was just named ANTIFA’s “official fast food restaurant” for the chain’s work helping fatten up Trump and clog his arteries.
Medical researchers in New York City who lost their grant funding from the D.O.G.E. cuts in January just named a new STD they discovered “Trumporrhea.”
A famous squirrel in Boston who makes surprisingly accurate predictions about global events based on where he stashes his acorns has predicted that both Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin will die from natural causes in 2026.
Trump is reportedly pissed that the Wall Street Journal’s recent report on his health will misleadingly make people think he’s an obese slob who eats garbage.
In an award ceremony last night at one of D.C.’s top gay bars, Pete Hegseth was honored as the “2025 Drag Ally of the Year” for “his tireless work all year normalizing men wearing makeup.”
Medical officials in Hawaii have added Trump’s name to a clinic specializing in treating STDs so the building and all its signs and billboards now read, “The Donald J. Trump Center For Syphilis and Chlamydia.”
Trump is reportedly pissed off because a major newspaper just announced that, using Trump’s own metrics for stopping wars, Barack Obama stopped 119 wars to Trump’s 8.
Trump’s staffers are reportedly trying to talk him out of promising that he’ll end the war in Ukraine on “day one of his second year as president.”
More medical organizations are honoring Trump by changing their names, so there’s now a “Donald J. Trump Center for Venereal Diseases” in Oregon, a “Donald J. Trump Gonorrhea Testing Lab” in Maine, and a “Donald J. Trump Living With Syphilis Clinic” in Vermont.
Protesters have reportedly begun mailing dozens of bottles of aspirin to the White House with notes saying things like, “Hey, Donald, your blood is still too thick!” and, “Obama took 20 of these a day, surely you can handle more!”
A medical clinic in Chicago just honored the president by renaming itself as the “Donald J. Trump Center for Erectile Dysfunction.”
Trump is reportedly pissed that taking three times as much aspirin that’s recommended isn’t thinning his blood enough to make his cankles go away.
Several McDonald’s franchises are reportedly now offering “The Donald” as one of their combo meals, consisting of a Quarter Pounder, a Big Mac, a Filet-o-Fish, and a large order of fries (aspirin not included).
Trump’s doctors are reportedly begging him to install a stair lift at the White House and to start using a wheelchair because his excessive aspirin usage means a little fall could give him a brain bleed that won’t stop.
Trump is reportedly pissed that the Wall Street Journal’s recent report on his health “misleadingly” makes him seem like an obese slob who eats garbage and has months left to live.
National security officials are reportedly worried Donald Trump is taking so much aspirin under the misguided notion that he needs thin blood to keep his heart pumping through his clogged arteries full of congealed Big Mac sauce that a paper cut could end his life.
A Republican influencer who tweeted over 150 times about Joe Biden sniffing a kid’s hair says, “No one cares about the Epstein Files.”
Lawyers for McDonald’s say they feel obligated to tell people that no human should eat the quantity of trans fat and sodium in one sitting that Trump does.
Doctors suspect Trump’s arteries are so clogged he thinks the aspirin thinning out his blood will keep him from having a heart attack.
Local MAGA fans are reportedly starting to worry that Trump sending his spa girls to Jeffrey Epstein’s mansion for private visits is textbook sex-trafficking.
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