A shocking development in Donald Trump’s neverending Russian collusion allegations has thrust Trump’s suspected kompromat videotape back into the spotlight.
The Halfway Post conducted an exclusive interview with Russian fracking oligarch Dimitri Kuznetsov, who confirmed some of the Steele Dossier’s authenticity.
“Your President wasn’t hard to lure into a classic sex tape espionage sting, let me tell you,” Kuznetsov explained. “The Steele Dossier was directionally right about the sex sting, but it didn’t involve any golden showers. That was an accidental mistranslation from a Russian report detailing ‘golden arches,’ meaning the McDonald’s logo.
Kuznetsov took a deep breath before continuing.
“We were partying after the Miss Universe contest and he wanted some fast food, so we drove him to a McDonald’s as he requested. And I have never seen a more disgusting order. I’ve quite literally seen a full-sized Siberian brown bear fill up on less garbage than your President. He ordered four Big Macs, two large fries, two Filets-O-Fish, and three large chocolate shakes, which he explained were for him to drink one on the way back to the hotel, one while he ate the sandwiches, and the third for dessert afterwards. We had planted a camera in the room, so we asked him if he wanted us to send any of the best prostitutes Moscow had to offer up to his room, and the guy, to his credit, said no. He was munching on the first Filet-O-Fish, and he told us he would go to bed early. So we went into the office in the basement to monitor the camera feed of Mr. Trump’s room, and what we witnessed I will never forget.”
Kuznetsov lit up a cigarette.
“The sexual acts with which your President violated those McDonald’s products made our AV technician vomit several times into a wastebasket. Trump quickly undressed and lathered himself up to his neck with the other two chocolate milkshakes. I could not in good conscience explain to your readers where Mr. Trump stuffed his french fries, and I have never found the right words in English to adequately describe the fate of that poor, unfortunate, second Filet-O-Fish. The next morning when your President checked out to fly back to America, we found the bed littered with mutilated Big Mac buns. The ones he hadn’t eaten during his night of ravenous lust probably wished they had been eaten. The horrors would have been over much quicker for them.”
Kuznetsov took a long drag. Then he continued.
“There’s a reason your president shows what seems like such inexplicable deference to Mr. Putin, and is like a little puppy rolling over on his back for every demand that comes from Moscow, and it’s because this tape he knows Putin has of him is magnificently embarrassing. We hear that it’s also what caused the breakup of his relationship with Jeffrey Epstein. Every time Trump flew on Epstein’s Lolita Express airplane, he defiled giant orders of McDonald’s food, and smeared Big Mac sauce and ketchup all over the bedsheets in the private bedroom. Epstein was sick of the laundry costs.”
Kuznetsov flicked his finished cigarette away.
“You know, with such a fast food dominated diet, I don’t know how Trump hasn’t had a heart attack yet from so many decades of trans fat. Maybe 2026 is finally the year all that Big Mac sauce congealed in his arteries finally starts blocking off his blood flow.”
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