New York City, NY—
Alt-Right godfather Steve Bannon has officially registered his latest invention with the US Patents Office: a facial moisturizer cream made entirely of white people’s sperm.
Mr. Bannon is selling the cream he calls “Cum At Me, Libs” on Breitbart.com for $19.99 a jar.
The venture is a partnership with neo-Nazi Richard Spencer, whose own foray into the white semen industry began with an Alaskan White Sperm Doomsday Vault project that collected and is currently storing 10,000 mason jars of white sperm in the event that white people ever become an “endangered race.”
“I’m very excited for this product,” explained Bannon in a phone conversation with The Halfway Post. “I use it every day, and it has really cleared up my splotchy face. Who knew white DNA had other benefits beyond making pure, Aryan babies. And this is just the first product, but I have so many other ideas. I thought up a white sperm-based tooth paste I’m thinking about calling ‘Mein Cumpf Paste,’ and a white sperm-based mouthwash called ‘Kristallnacht Fresh,’ and a white-sperm botanical-infused shampoo I was thinking about calling ‘Ges-STOP-o Dandruff.’ I’ve been truly delighted with all the cosmetic and pun possibilities!”
Bannon’s semen business marks a dramatic reversal from his previous political efforts canvassing across Europe to gin up support for various racist, nationalist movements in conservative, Eastern European countries.
“I got a little burned out on all that,” said Bannon. “It’s just such an uphill battle to convince people that destitute Muslim refugees are going to plot the overthrow of governments and put all the Christian whites into slavery. I realized I was being too divisive, and I decided I wanted to shift my focus. Instead of focusing on so much negativity, I found I could have a bigger impact, and make more money, focusing on some of the more positive aspects of white pride. I thought to myself, what Ku Klux Klansman, neo-Nazi, or involuntary celibate doesn’t want smoother, clearer skin? And what better way to get that clearer skin than by liberally applying God’s purest substance on Earth all over their faces? White sperm is a miracle medicine for acne and dozens of other common ailments!”
More from The Halfway Post vault:
Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here!