Trump Wants To Host (And Win) A “Dictators Only” Golf Tournament

Donald Trump says he will end the Ukraine War and convince China not to invade Taiwan by beating Putin and Xi in a “Dictators Only” themed golf tournament he’ll host at his NJ Bedminster golf course next year.
Arizona women are protesting their legislature’s reversion to an 1864 abortion law by mailing used tampons to their state legislators with signed certificates that say, “Proof of no abortion, April 2024.”
Donald Trump is reportedly furious with his lawyers for misleadingly telling him the judge’s gag order meant he couldn’t testify in his defense, and, after shouting, “What, you think I’ll incriminate myself?” the lawyers just stared at him silently for several seconds.
Donald Trump claims that while sitting in court for three weeks he actually thought up an Obamacare replacement plan.
Ted Cruz reportedly wants to be seen on television outside Trump’s courtroom, but Trump won’t let him come.
Donald Trump reportedly asked his lawyers somberly during a meeting this weekend, “I’m gonna go to jail, aren’t I?”
Donald Trump claims his gag order in his NY trial means he can’t reveal his tax returns this election either.
Jerry Falwell Jr.’s Liberty University reportedly just hired Donald Trump to record online courses on the history of Christianity, ethics in government, marital monogamy, and physical fitness.
OPINION: Republicans should try out not baselessly pandering to an ever increasingly misinformed voter base that would rather end democracy than grapple mentally with facts they don’t want to believe… you know, for a change.
Donald Trump is reportedly trying to hire a hot lawyer who will “show some skin and distract the jury.”
Donald Trump claims he pardoned his penis while president so it can’t be indicted for any crimes it may have committed in the past.
Donald Trump says, “I don’t read, and I’m way too hands-off on policy writing and legislation strategizing for it to be a bribe when I demand oil companies give me a billion dollars!”
RFK Jr. says he will take the brain worm’s opinions into consideration, but he will make all his decisions as president himself.
Donald Trump has reportedly decided on his VP choice, but can’t make up his mind on the runner-up in case the first one needs to be hung.
Donald Trump reportedly can’t make up his mind on who to nominate as VP because he feels he politically needs either an ethnic minority or a woman, but his most hardcore MAGA fans hate both minorities and women.
Donald Trump reportedly wore his “lucky diapers” for Michael Cohen’s testimony.
At Trump’s rally in New Jersey, event cleanup crews had numerous staffing problems after the stench of so many used diapers Trump’s fans wore to support him made dozens of employees quit rather than get anywhere near the trash bins.
Local MAGA fan Ralph Morgan just had an epiphany that all of Michael Cohen’s lies were told to help Donald Trump break the law.
Lauren Boebert is demanding someone explain to her what Trump is being prosecuted for because she refuses to read anything about the trial on her own.
A GOP fundraising group is reportedly trying to cash in on the growing public feud between Marjorie Taylor Greene and Lauren Boebert by organizing a wrestling match between them to raise money for Donald Trump’s legal fees.
New poll finds that 76% of Gen Z think Josh Hawley is “suspiciously obsessed” with LGBTQ people.
Donald Trump claims no one has ever beaten him at chess, not even his MIT uncle.
Donald Trump reportedly asked his lawyers if there’s any way they could secretly suggest to one of the jurors that, if they hang the jury, Trump will “make them very happy financially in two weeks.”
A group of college protesters say Biden hasn’t earned their vote, so helping allow a future 9–0 conservative majority on the Supreme Court by sitting out the election in November will teach Democrats a lesson to be more liberal.
A GOP House candidate from Florida says all his female constituents should, if they can’t donate money to his campaign, mail him their underwear.
Donald Trump says he’s “nowhere near better off” than he was four years ago.

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