- Local Republican voters are reportedly beginning to wonder why the impeachment of Joe Biden and prosecution of Hunter Biden both fizzled out, and Republicans aren’t talking about them at all anymore.
- Donald Trump’s lawyers say it’s increasingly difficult to get him to court on time, “like getting a 6-year-old out of bed for school.”
- Donald Trump is reportedly interested in Kristi Noem’s Obamacare replacement plan that involves shooting patients with pre-existing conditions and burying them in gravel pits.
- Lauren Boebert, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Matt Gaetz, Vivek Ramaswamy, Tim Scott, and J.D. Vance were seen pushing each other prior to Donald Trump’s post-trial press conference to get the best front-row positions for the cameras.
- Donald Trump reportedly yelled at his lawyers tonight because they let Michael Cohen make him look like a lying criminal.
- Pro-life Republicans say they can’t explain the paradox of why God would view life as sacred but also cause so many life-threatening pregnancies each year.
- Donald Trump is reportedly angry that Republican members of Congress are only visiting him in the courtroom to take photos and fundraise rather than actually help argue he’s innocent.
- RFK Jr. has been talking about digging tunnels a lot throughout his presidential campaign, which makes more sense now that he has admitted worms have burrowed into his brain.
- Donald Trump claims it’s unfair to hold it against him that he lied to Stormy Daniels promising her a spot on The Apprentice, because he lied “to lots of people” about the same thing.
- When Donald Trump’s briefcase was checked at the security desk of the courthouse this morning it was reportedly found to be full of anti-farting medicine.
- Six months after launching, the conservative dating site for gun-owning Republicans called “Red Flags” still has no women signed up.
- Donald Trump is reportedly asking his lawyers if they think the jury is noticing the fact that he hasn’t made eye contact with any of the witnesses testifying against him, and whether that makes him look guilty.
- Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Taylor Greene are reportedly going to challenge each other to an IQ test tomorrow at 4pm to see who is smarter.
- The RNC reportedly lost a dozen multi-million dollar donors after Lara Trump made them all listen to her new cover of “Bohemian Rhapsody” on a conference call today.
- A new TikTok-based trend among Gen Z girls is to mail their used tampons to the offices of their Republican members of Congress to help them better track the periods the GOP is so obsessed with.
- Donald Trump’s judge has denied Trump’s 10th demand to strike Michael Cohen’s tweet calling Trump “Von ShitzInPants” from the record.
- The Florida state senator who is trying to outlaw pictures of nude statues like Michelangelo’s David from school textbooks has a pair of “truck nuts” hanging from his truck’s trailer hitch.
- Along with “VonShitzenpants,” Donald Trump had to listen to the following insults included as evidence in his trial: “Diaper Don,” “Donny Sausage Fingers,” “Mr. Blue Sniffles,” “The Senile Penile,” “Mushroom Man,” and “Toupee Trump.”
- The security guards in the courtroom of Donald Trump’s trial have given him the Roman-inspired codename of “Fartacus.”
- Donald Trump claims his gag order in his NY trial means he can’t share his “big, beautiful Obamacare replacement plan.”
- Samuel Alito claims his wife gave him his “MAGA 4EVR” chest tattoo while he was asleep, and he wasn’t involved in any way.
- Samuel Alito claims it was his wife who threw human feces at his liberal neighbor’s house, and wrote “You just got Supremed!” in smeared poop on the neighbor’s garage.
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