Little Rock, AR—
Today at approximately 1:15pm, local Republican voter Floyd Williams, 51, looked up Sharia law on a lunch break Google search and came to the startling realization that it actually seemed a lot like the Republican Party’s political platform.
“Well, I had just finished my tuna sandwich, and I was letting my mind wander a bit, when it suddenly hit me that for all my fears of Muslims installing Sharia law in America, I didn’t actually know the first thing about what Sharia law was or what it dictated,” said Williams, in a phone interview with The Halfway Post this evening. “So I started examining several sources, and I have to admit that what I read about Sharia law sounded an awful lot like some of the things Vice President Mike Pence or Senator Ted Cruz believe.”
When Williams got home from work he did a little more research, but the renewed study only intensified his worry that, by voting Republican for the last twenty years, he may have been already and unwittingly voting for Sharia law.
“From the GOP’s religious-based opposition to gay marriage, gay and lesbian adoption, the teaching of evolution in schools, sex education in schools, abortion access, birth control access, the existence of Planned Parenthood, religiously foreign refugees, atheists holding public office, the recognition of transgender identities, the separation of church and state, and many others, it just seemed like Sharia law might have already been installed here in my beloved Arkansas right under my nose!” Williams said.
Williams shared his startling discovery with his wife, and though his wife Anne was skeptical at first, she too was quickly troubled by the Republican Party’s seeming theocratic approach to political issues. She even came up with some Sharia-esque Republican policies that Floyd hadn’t considered himself.
“My wife is as sharp as a tack,” Williams continued, “And she mentioned how many Republicans are also against equal pay for women, and want women to be forced to birth babies after being raped or even if the pregnancy threatens their lives, and how people in our town are all really fond of purity balls and acting like they own the keys to their daughters’ virginities. I mean, the list of Sharia-sounding Republican issues just goes on and on!”
Asked if he still considered himself a Republican after his existential epiphany, Williams was unsure and said he needed a few days to think things over.
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(Photo courtesy of Michael Vadon.)