Little Rock, AR—
Today at approximately 1:15pm, local Republican Voter Floyd Williams looked up Sharia law on a lunch break Google search and came to the startling realization that it actually seemed a lot like the Republican Party’s political platform.
“Well, I had just finished my tuna sandwich and I was letting my mind wander a bit when it suddenly hit me that for all my fears of Muslims installing Sharia law in America, I didn’t actually know the first thing about what Sharia law was or what it dictated,” said Williams, in a phone interview with The Halfway Post this evening.
“So I did a quick google search and examined several sources, and I have to admit that what I read about Sharia law sounded an awful lot like some of the things Vice President Mike Pence or Ted Cruz believe.”
When Williams got home from work he did a little more research, but the renewed study only intensified his worry that, by voting Republican for the last twenty years, he may have been already and unwittingly voting for Sharia law.
“From the GOP’s religious-based opposition to gay marriage, gay and lesbian adoption, the teaching of evolution in schools, sex education in schools, abortion, birth control, Planned Parenthood, Muslim refugees, atheists holding public office, the recognition of transgender identities, the separation of church and state, taxing churches and faith organizations, and so on, it just seemed like Sharia Law might have already been installed here in my beloved Arkansas right under my nose,” he said.
Williams shared his startling discovery with his wife, and though his wife Anne was skeptical at first, she too was quickly troubled by the Republican Party’s seeming theocratic approach to political issues. She even came up with some Sharia-esque Republican policies that Floyd hadn’t considered.
“My wife is as sharp as a tack,” said Floyd, followed by a long list of more suspicious GOP ideas that his wife had added to his growing list. “The GOP is also against equal pay for women… many Republicans in our state legislatures want women to be forced to birth babies after being raped or even if the pregnancy threatens their lives… the Republican men in this town at least are all really fond of purity balls and pretending they own the keys to their daughters’ virginities… Pence supported abusive gay therapy programs… Our other Republican friends are convinced we shouldn’t worry about climate change because God will solve it if it’s really a problem… Republicans support Israel regardless of humanity crimes against Palestine over orthodox, apocalyptic hopes that Jesus will come back and all nonbelievers will burn in Hell… I mean the list of Sharia-sounding Republican issues just goes on and on!”
Asked if he still considered himself a Republican after his existential epiphany, Williams was unsure.
“Honestly, I don’t know what I am anymore,” he said. “But I’ll tell you what, I’m gonna start pointing this stuff out to my friends because I feel like all of us have been duped!”
(Photo courtesy of Michael Vadon.)