Today at approximately 1:15pm, local Republican voter Floyd Williams, 51, looked up Sharia law online and came to the startling realization that it actually sounded a lot like the Republican Party’s political platform.
“Well, I had just finished my tuna sandwich for lunch, and I was letting my mind wander a bit when it suddenly hit me that, for all my fears of Muslims installing Sharia law in America, I didn’t actually know the first thing about what Sharia law was, or what it dictated,” said Williams, in a phone interview with The Halfway Post this evening. “So I started reading around on Google, and I have to admit that what I read about Sharia law seemed quite a bit reminiscent of some of the things people like Mike Pence and Ted Cruz believe.”
When Williams got home from work, he did a little more research, but the renewed study only intensified his worry that, by voting Republican for the last 20 years, he may have been unwittingly voting for Sharia law all along.
“From the GOP’s religious-based opposition to gay marriage, gay and lesbian adoption, the teaching of evolution in schools, sex education in schools, abortion access, birth control access, Planned Parenthood, pornography, religiously foreign refugees, atheists holding public office, the tolerance of transgender identities, the separation of church and state, and many others subjects, it just seemed like Sharia law might have already been installed here in my beloved Texas right under my nose!” Williams said.
Williams shared his startling discovery with his wife, Anne, and, though she was skeptical at first, she too grew troubled by the GOP’s theocratic ideologies and policies. She even came up with some Sharia-esque Republican policies that Floyd hadn’t considered himself.
“My wife is as sharp as a tack,” Williams continued, “and she pointed out how many Republicans are also against equal pay for women, and want women to be forced to birth babies after being raped or even if the pregnancy threatens their lives, and how people in our town are all really fond of purity balls and obsessed with their daughters’ virginities. I mean, the more you look at it, it’s much harder to find differences between Republicans and extremist Muslims than similarities!”
Asked if he still considered himself a Republican after this existential epiphany, Williams said he and his wife had torn up their Republican Party membership cards and become independents.
More from The Halfway Post vault:
Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Twitter here, Facebook here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here and subscribe to our Substack newsletter The Halfway Café here.